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Can someone please hold my hand?

(46 Posts)
fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 17:24:35

Married for 12 years in a relationship full of emotional abuse, sometimes physical, a constant feeling of never being good enough, OH out constantly and I never did anything to keep him home because I will sick of walking on eggshells.

I told him over a week ago I wanted out. He moved his things out. We have been civil since. We knew this was a long time coming.

The problem is, other than our three DCs, I have nobody. My parents have both died and I have no siblings. There are relatives but family issues in the past meant that I haven't had contact in years. His parents are overseas but he has a huge network of friends.

I was very much dependent upon him for everything. Now it's my turn to rule the roost, I'm scared. More than anything though, I feel alone. I have a small handful of friends who are aware of the situation, but whilst I put my whole life into looking after the children, I no longer have anybody to look after me sad

He told me last week to look at this as a fresh start in life, that I should embrace it and be happy. He told me that he wouldn't leave me high and dry, that as long as I needed support, he would be there. I can't go to him though every time I feel lonely or need a shoulder to cry on. We lead separate lives now.

Whilst I've spent today trying to keep three children entertained and my head out of my ass, he seems to have his whole life sorted and prioritised.

I want to be someone and do something with my life, but if I go back to work, I would be much worse off financially. My friends have told me to take some time out for myself for a while and just get through things day by day, but I'm my own worse enemy and do far too much dwelling in my head.

Please tell me it will be ok. That even if I have nobody, that I can do this. I have to do this for my kids, but at the moment I'm struggling to get through the day without thinking I'm setting myself up for failure sad

fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 19:05:07

Anyone? sad

Gowgirl Sun 11-Sep-16 19:07:44

You will be fine, give yourself time to adjust.

Bagina Sun 11-Sep-16 19:12:34

You are in a great position. You will start to find a routine, and you will develop and form new friendships. There will be plenty of women in your situation. A plan will emerge in time. How old are you and your dc? Everything will be OK flowers

ButEmilylovedhim Sun 11-Sep-16 19:14:15

Sending a hug til someone else gets here smile

You've done so well and been so strong, ending it when you've been so beaten down. Give yourself loads of credit! cake and brew and wine and chocolate for you.

ButEmilylovedhim Sun 11-Sep-16 19:17:46

Things will become clear in time. Let some time pass, let what to do come to you if you see what I mean. Think, but no adverse judgements of yourself allowed!

fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 19:25:35

I am so thankful for the replies. I'm still unsure how to tag users so please forgive me.

I am very soon to be 32 with DCs 9, 7 and 6. My eldest has CP so that can sometimes be a bit of a struggle too.

I know I have done the right thing. I had it set up in my mind for a while before I took the plunge and so now I'm actually living it out, it's a tad overwhelming.

I lost my Mum almost 9 years ago, just 3 months after DS was born 11 weeks prematurely. I've never really gotten over the loss to be honest. She was my world.

I always said that I'd probably gone through every bad thing possible except separation- I obviously spoke far too soon confused

hollyisalovelyname Sun 11-Sep-16 19:27:25

Wishing you strength and optimism.

DraughtyWindow Sun 11-Sep-16 19:28:50

Didn't want to read and run... I'm 50 tomorrow and feeling very down too so not sure what words of wisdom I have that might make you feel a little better. I have no family either. It's so very hard (ex DP doesn't support financially, but I do work full-time). I rent, so am now wondering what on earth will happen when I retire!
I think it's just a case of taking each day. If you can't take each day, take each hour. Write a bucket list. Give yourself some goals to work towards. Do things for you! Do things that make you happy. It's so very hard, there aren't many people I know who have literally no one that will truly 'have your back'. My life wasn't meant to be like this! So it's up to me to do something about it I guess! (And that doesn't mean finding another man!!)

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 11-Sep-16 19:34:01

Just wanted to give you some proof that life gets better. And can be great even!! I was single after marrying a man - child. No kids together but I had some already when I met him. I met my now dh when I was 42 and we are now married with a toddler. He truly loves my kids like he had made them! Its tough thinking you future is uncertain emotionally and financially but you have a blank page to start again. Good luck.

fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 19:39:57

I like bucket lists and blank pages- thank you smile

I have so many dreams and hopefully a lot of time in which to prepare for them. It's a little bit daunting that I am now in charge of my own destiny. I need to try and embrace that fact!

allnewredfairy Sun 11-Sep-16 19:42:41

You will get through this OP. Your friends are giving you sensible advice.
It is hard when you are in that initial tailspin after a breakup. I remember pitifully calling back my EX and him finding me crying in a pool of paper bills. I was overwhelmed.
Take things one at a time and focus on that task. Treat yourself kindly and the kids. Don't be afraid to bend your friends' ears, good friends want to be there for you.
I hope you feel stronger soon OP flowers

chitofftheshovel Sun 11-Sep-16 19:44:46

Here's my hand.

Tbh it sounds like he is still trying to control you by dictating just how you respond to being a single mum of three. That he'll be there for you, yada yada. He hasn't been for the past 12 years, and won't be now.

It's tough on your own, I understand, I'm in the same boat. BUT it's easier on your own than treading on eggshells around a dick. And it is sooooo much less lonely to be on your own than to be lonely in a bad relationship.

How though are you better off financially if you don't work? Dependent on your kids' age it might be a godsend to you, socially.

Have you discussed his access to the DC?

Be strong, it's early days but you can do it.

nicenewdusters Sun 11-Sep-16 19:45:27

I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed OP.

You want your new life to begin, look forward to it, but then when it does it's scary.

I'm over a year into my new life with my dc. I have family, some close friends and other lose groups of friends. Ultimately though I still feel that as regards my future I'm on my own. What happens next will only happen if I make it so. I don't want to meet another man in the near (or distant!) future, so I'm wondering how to shape my life. I'm concentrating on my dc, my work, my home, and doing voluntary stuff (small scale) that I wouldn't have done before.

Ultimately you can discuss things with people, but in my experience most people are too busy with their own lives. I've become very self-reliant, which I like, but I know I have to let people in a bit.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. I'm sure she would be very proud and pleased to see that you have taken such a courageous step forward. Live the life you know she would have wanted for you.

Gradually things will change. You already are someone, and you have your precious children so you'll never be alone.

fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 19:55:06

Yes I agree too- I don't want to burden people with my troubles, everyone has their own luggage to carry.

The DC will be staying with him two nights a week which works really well. It means I have the time to think/cry/dance/have a sherry or two smile

I may be wrong regarding finances if I go back to work- I receive carers allowance which would be cut if I earned more than £100 a week. Maybe I should visit CAB just to be sure.

I certainly don't want another man any time soon at all. I am just getting over the headache that has been the past 12 years smile I think just someone telling me that I'm going good and am on the right path would more than suffice smile

nicenewdusters Sun 11-Sep-16 20:07:02

Two nights a week to yourself sounds good. Once you get used to it it'll hopefully mean a couple of really good nights sleep. Also, the chance to do all the things you say - dancing around my kitchen is a personal favourite!

A visit to the CAB also sounds sensible.


DraughtyWindow Sun 11-Sep-16 20:09:39

Love, you have your whole life ahead of you. I still miss my Mum too! (20 years this October). As a PP alluded, live the life she's want for you. Be easy on yourself please - you sound like you're already doing a great job. You will find that although you are now 'in charge' per se, instead of being overwhelmed, in time you'll find it awesomely empowering. Apart from your children you don't have to ask anyone's permission to do anything! (Within reason of course!)
You have hope. That's a precious thing in itself. That's what makes us human.
What's the first item that comes to mind on your bucket list?!

fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 20:19:08

You have brought tears to my eyes- very good and happy tears though!

I would absolutely love a weeks holiday on my own- does that sound selfish? It's nothing doable just let until I get settled into a routine but it's nice to think and dream smile

Maybe a small tattoo to symbolise a new start.

I am loving the fact that I have nobody to answer to wink I do need to embrace this change. Thank you all for making me believe I can do it smile

DraughtyWindow Sun 11-Sep-16 20:47:54

Yes, you CAN. And no, you're not crazy for wanting a week on your own. I dream of going to a very remote place and staying in a cottage for a week to paint (not the walls!)!!
Tattoos are very personal. I think you're brave!
Also, if you want to eat an entire pack of biscuits, you can do that too! grin
And just think... no more treading on egg-shells. I always found that so very tiring. You can never relax. I remember my first night away. I could breathe, really breathe. TBH it's taken me a really long to time to accept I will never get an apology. I now know I never will. But that doesn't mean I imagined it all.
I hope you discover you over the coming months - I think you'll surprise yourself. It's an amazing journey, really it is.
Says she, wallowing in self-pity at the prospect of the big one tomorrow! hmm
Anyway, flowerscakewinefor you!

minmooch Sun 11-Sep-16 20:56:10

Well done. You can do this! Believe in yourself and the rest will fall into place.

fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 21:25:45

winecakeflowerschocolate for us all- we ALL deserve the happy little things in life smile

We are car sharing at the moment and the plan was he would drop off the car tonight and I would take the kids to school in the morning and use the car until I dropped it off tomorrow evening when the kids stay with him for their two nights.

He phoned half hour ago and asked to speak to DS to tell him he would be running too late to drop the car off tonight and he would pick them up and take them to school in the morning. He just didn't want to cut his social life short and go to the bother of coming here early, but why he couldn't tell me instead (when he insists that we be adult with each other) has annoyed the hell out of me.

He knows we need a second car and so I'm waiting for something suitable to come up, but in the meantime I absolutely despise having to rely on him. He needs the car more for work and whilst I appreciate that, is this going to be the start of a pattern of rearranging plans at the last minute angry

He won't grind me down. Even if I'm crumbling inside, he will never see me upset. I can and WILL do this.

GinBunny Sun 11-Sep-16 21:33:57

Hey Five, I'm here for a chat if you want. I'm a week into a breakup after finding out H cheated on me. I've been NC with him since Tuesday because being in contact was wrecking me. I want to speak to him but I know he is making a go of it with her and it's breaking my heart. I'm scared about the future and about how to cope financially. I have no DCs but dogs and at this point in time it looks like I am going to have to move into a flat (which we own and rent out) and there is a clause in the lease to say no pets, so I might have to give up my dogs too.
How your life can change in just a few days sad

fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 21:45:19

Oh GinBunny- I'm here to hold your hand.

Ours was on the cards for a while to be honest. I have my suspicions he may have cheated but no evidence. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

I'm not sure what is the right way for me to feel to be honest. I wanted out, so it should be relief and happiness, but 12 years of marriage is a big thing to let go of.

I am having to take it a day at a time. I have so many dreams for the future, but am scared to dream too much in case that gets taken away from me too.


Gracey1231 Sun 11-Sep-16 21:53:26

I'm here to hold your hand! You will be okay, you are so very strong raising your children as a single parent and that strength will get you through such hard times honey. You can do it! Just be patient, Rome wasn't built in a day, baby steps are key during sadness. But you can do it. I'm always here as a listening ear ❤️

fivetosix Sun 11-Sep-16 21:57:07

Patience- was never my strong point! However, the last few days I've been watching myself and I am becoming so much tolerant and relaxed at home because I'm not on edge. Everything is on my terms, or sometimes those of the kids when I let them grin

I feel like I can get to know myself again and lose the person I have been made into.

Three kids can sometimes be overwhelming, but it's at times like this when they're all in bed and I can't sit back and think 'girl, you've got yourself through another day' smile

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