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I'm not sure my boyfriend likes my children.

(73 Posts)
MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 11-Sep-16 14:32:11

I've been seeing someone for a while, he's got 2 children aged 19 and 15 whereas move are 6 and 3. He's only met my children twice and they don't know he's my boyfriend. They're typical boisterous young children.

But I get the impression he's not keen on them. I've caught him pulling faces a couple of times, he's said he was a stricter parent than I am, and he's oddly bothered if my children are naked (he covers his eyes and can't look at them).

Is this something likely to change with time or am I fighting a losing battle? Someone who can't get on with my kids is an absolute dealbreaker so am I wasting my time continuing to date him?

ElspethFlashman Sun 11-Sep-16 14:35:32

Probably a waste of time tbh. Certainly doesn't sound like he'd fancy ever living with them down the road, does it?

I wouldn't mind the not looking at them naked thing - it makes some people uncomfortable when the kids aren't their own.

Fairylea Sun 11-Sep-16 14:39:07

Absolute dealbreaker for me. No way I could be with someone who wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about my children as I am. In the early stages of meeting them he should be bending over backwards to make them like him!

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 11-Sep-16 14:41:14

If he's only seen them twice and he's seeing them naked that sounds really inappropriate. I'm not a pride, don't see a paedophile round every corner, but that's just really odd. Maybe he does think your parenting is off if he's uncomfortable with basically strange (as in strangers) children being naked around him. Especially at 3 and 6.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 11-Sep-16 14:42:28

I think the question that needs answering is does he show resentment towards them? Difference between not keen and actually resenting them /the time you spend doing normal stuff with them /the money you are spending on them. My ex made effort with my kids but I could sense resentment and 5 years down the line and married that got worse not better. I filed for divorce when he said the fact we were always skint was due to me spending on my kids when in actual fact he was on a good wage he just hadn't told me and spent it on himself in secret! I found out and threw him out!

AnyFucker Sun 11-Sep-16 14:46:10

He's only met them twice and you imply he has seen them naked at least once ?

I don't understand confused

Shockers Sun 11-Sep-16 14:46:52

I'd be inclined to cut your losses now. It's an horrible feeling when a partner doesn't like your child/ren.

I found having a child weeded out the unsuitables very effectively.

andintothefire Sun 11-Sep-16 14:49:35

I think it really depends what you want from him. If you want a father figure for your children then it sounds as though he might not be the right person. There is nothing wrong in itself with him not wanting to take on that role however - there are many different types of stepparent relationship, and it may just be that he could envisage being friends with them and looking after them (especially as they get older) but isn't very interested in them or taking on a pseudo-parental role right now. Lots of people are just not very interested in young children, especially if they are particularly boisterous!

I also sympathise with him being awkward about seeing them naked. They are not his children and he doesn't really know them. Again, you need to decide what you want from him and whether what he can offer is enough.

Personally I am not interested in being a mother to my DP's children. They already have a mother who they love very much and live with most of the time. However I am more than happy to spend time with them and to support them in whatever ways I can. Of course it might be very different in a situation where I was in a relationship with somebody who was sole carer all the time and wanted a relationship with somebody who could take on a mother-type role. In that situation, we would both have to think very hard about whether I wanted to take that role with all the time and caring obligations it entails.

Somerville Sun 11-Sep-16 14:50:20

My DS stripped off his clothes off at every opportunity at that kind of age, so I guess I can understand that there might have been some accidental nakedness.

But I don't think it's odd for your boyfriend to feel uncomfortable about it.

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 11-Sep-16 14:50:55

My sons are very comfortable naked, my youngest has only just mastered potty training and quite often refuses to put his pants back on once he's been to the toilet. I'm very uncomfortable with my own nudity and maybe I've gone to far trying to ensure they don't have my hang ups.

I will talk to him about it. I'm sure part of it is that he's forgotten what it's like to be around young children, I just wondered if anyone else had started off like this and whether it had a good outcome.

andintothefire Sun 11-Sep-16 14:54:45

The only thing I would say is that I wouldn't underestimate how awkward and difficult your boyfriend might be finding it. It can be difficult to get on with young children, and he may even be feeling a bit intimidated at the prospect. I would take it slowly and give it a bit of time, as long as he reassures you when you speak to him!

VioletBam Sun 11-Sep-16 14:54:47

At 6 your older son at least needs now to learn about boundaries and when nakedness is appropriate. A time when a visitor is there is not appropriate.

He doesn't know your partner is your partner....so you need to ensure they're dressed really when people other than immediate family are present.

I don't think this is a good sign OP. You need to use your instinct...and yours, whether you like it or not, is telling you that this man does not like your children.

You must put them first.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 11-Sep-16 14:54:57

Maybe it's not your children he doesn't like per se but your parenting. Still, parents with older children can have some kind of amnesia when it comes to being around much younger more boisterous kids.

I'm absolutely SHOCKED that although he's only met your children a couple of times, they don't know that he's your boyfriend yet he has seen them naked. I really, really don't think that's appropriate at all.

PirateFairy45 Sun 11-Sep-16 14:54:59

Yea you're wasting your time.

Somerville Sun 11-Sep-16 14:55:09

Okay then, nakedness aside, I think honestly it's hard to tell from having a boyfriend meet your kids twice.

But some things that helped me ascertain that my chap was a keeper was that he phoned me after meeting them the first time to rave about how great they were. I wouldn't have liked it if he only said something negative/noncommittal.

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 11-Sep-16 14:55:15

And no I definitely don't want someone to be a father figure to them, the boys see their dad regularly.

ElspethFlashman Sun 11-Sep-16 14:55:49

I'm not sure it should be obligatory to be around naked children you don't know though just because you haven't been around young children in a while!

Put it this way, if I went around to my mates house and her son's were wondering around naked I would be pretty embarrassed (although I wouldn't make a dramatic production of shielding my eyes to shame her).

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 11-Sep-16 14:58:49

It's only the 3 year old who's been naked, and only once but I take your points and will work on it. Can we not just focus on that aspect of it?

ElspethFlashman Sun 11-Sep-16 15:00:29

Well in fairness that was a third of your original complaint about him.....

andintothefire Sun 11-Sep-16 15:01:32

And no I definitely don't want someone to be a father figure to them, the boys see their dad regularly.

I think that probably makes things easier, for him as well as you. It sounds to me as though - as long as he is genuinely open to dating somebody with children - he may just need some time to get used to having them around again. Maybe talking to him about what you need or expect might help him too.

I was very nervous about my DP's children. It takes time to get to know them and to really start caring about them when they are not your own. I don't think too much can be expected of somebody on the first couple of meetings - to be honest, I would probably be a bit wary of somebody who seemed too enthusiastic at an early stage!

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 11-Sep-16 15:03:23

Elsbeth yes I realise that, and I'm saying I take all your points about it being inappropriate so please can I not have any more posts about it being inappropriate.

KateInKorea Sun 11-Sep-16 15:05:19

I'm also in the 'this only gets worse" camp. The pulled faces would be enough for me to relegate him right back to acquaintance.

When he said he was stricter was the tone one of "and I would not put up with any shit from your kids if I wouldn't take it from my own" or was it "and now I can see what I've missed out on"?

Trifleorbust Sun 11-Sep-16 15:08:52

I'm not posting about it being inappropriate, but maybe the reason he seems uncomfortable is related to this.

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 11-Sep-16 15:10:59

Definitely said in a 'I wouldn't put up with this from my own kids' kind of way. But he's said he doesn't want to start disciplining my boys.

And to be fair he was trying to find things on his phone to interest them in and sometimes they didn't reply so I can see why he stopped trying.

It's difficult though, he knows not getting on with my kids is a dealbreaker, so if I ask him he's not going to say he doesn't like them is he?

Arfarfanarf Sun 11-Sep-16 15:15:48

I wouldn't waste my time on someone who pulled faces at my kids.

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