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(21 Posts)
nueday8 Sun 11-Sep-16 10:44:44

Dh has been telling me lies about working with a female colleague, speaks about every one else at the office lots but her, untill yesterday when he mentioned her, fist time in 3 years! so I asked why he didn't speak about her much, it would be impossible for him not to work with her because of the job dh does.

My gut feeling is that at worse, I think that he has been flattered by a younger colleague being in awe of him, he has mentored her so it is possible.

He cant afford to let this happen as he has lied an cheated once before an is on last chance. If I had known what I know now I would not of given him that chance to put things right, he has made little effort to make me feel secure an because of his crappy boundaries has messed up several times an hurt me so much in the process.

I have had my suspicions for some time, then earlier this year had my suspicions verified that he had been lying to me, didn't tell him just sat on it. Got accused of being like my mother for stewing that one.hmm

There was a social function where he took photos of her and no one else, photo then deleted when I questioned him. Again all incredible hurtful to me.

Also a incident where she put down phone twice when I answered his phone.

He raged at me last week as he was talking about a job at work, I couldn't remember it, wasn't a job that stood out an in my defence have had a lots of stuff to with deal with this year, which he knows.

His rage and irritation was completely unwarranted an I was really hurt as I do go out of my way to be interested in his work, I have even helped him with jobs.
Have now confronted him, initially he tried to turn it on me an say that he dare not mention any female as I'm such a jealous cow😁 it was really difficult for him poor lamb. hmm

Eventually he admitted to lying as I make such fuss about females he comes into contact with! but could not understand why I was so upset.

He Cant understand why another lie on top of all his others has tipped me over the edge. Or why I feel like I have been treated like a child.

Not sure why I'm posting think I just need some support and a hand hold.

This leaves me unable to hold a normal conversation with him at the end of the work day now as I wont know if he telling the truth, as he proved once again that he still able to Lie to me. confused leaves me feeling so sad.

aLeopardanditsSpots Sun 11-Sep-16 11:53:42

A liar is a liar is a liar. He's proved lying is easier for him than telling the truth.
Sorry you're going through this op. I've been there. My ex had an affair with a 21 year old girl from his work. Like yours he never ever mentioned her til she rang him one night. 2 months later I discovered it was a full blown affair that had been going on 6 months.
Pretty much every word that came out of his mouth was a lie from day one. The lies after he was found out were just fantastical.
I can't abide liars and any sniff of a fib would be a deal breaker for me now.
Turning it onto you and blaming you is nasty but classic lying cheating shit behaviour.

gildedcage Sun 11-Sep-16 12:09:14

You categorically cannot trust a liar. That's just a point of fact. He betrayed your trust only a year ago. As things go that isn't a very long time.

Unfortunately one of the things about choosing to stay with someone after infidelity is that this will always be with you in one way or another. It's a battle scar of your history together, and while you may forgive will never forget.

If your dh truly wants to continue with you he has to realise how his actions affect you and how you feel.

As pp said it may become worse after you have your baby.

gildedcage Sun 11-Sep-16 12:10:12

As an aside what's he doing going out if you're due...he may be needed. Very irresponsible.

gildedcage Sun 11-Sep-16 12:17:10

So sorry wrong threadblush...sadly though it's also true in your case that you cannot trust a liar flowers

Resilience16 Sun 11-Sep-16 12:18:00

Go with your gut feeling, it's usually right.

nueday8 Sun 11-Sep-16 13:26:03

Cannot trust him at all now again.

SandyY2K Sun 11-Sep-16 13:44:07

Why did he take photos of her?

What kind of pics were they? Her alone? Were they taken with his phone or sent to him?

I'm struggling to understand why in a professional working environment he would have pictures solely of her ... as in not a group photo.

The problem is many cheaters have poor boundaries and you live your life with trust issues and feeling insecure because of their poor boundaries.

How does he make you feel safe since he cheated ?

How long ago was the affair and how long did it last?

nueday8 Sun 11-Sep-16 14:19:54

I asked him that several times sandy, why did you take photos of her an no one else. He has never answered me.

Photos just of her doing a activity, lots of his colleagues there and his own children doing the same the activity, that's how I came to find the photo as I thought that he had taken pictures of our children as was going to print them. Sadly no pics of kids just her!

He does nothing to make me feel secure, that could be a whole post on its own. I was trying to keep post simple.😊 I dont know how long affair lasted, he refused to give me details up untill last year, but it was limited info. Twatt😞 Affair was 8 years ago. I cant go on with not being able to trust him, its making me ill and miserable.

PotatoBread Sun 11-Sep-16 15:19:09

You don't have to stay with him you know flowers

nueday8 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:53:23

Yes I know, its never that simple though is it? Just being able to walk away.

nueday8 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:56:37

A leapard hard to believe that they think they can get away with it. I don't know how they live with themselves I really don't. So many lies.

FritzDonovan Mon 12-Sep-16 00:48:12

So sorry Op. Sadly I'm also struggling to live with someone who lied to me a good many years ago. I've thought I've dealt with it in the past, yet here we are again and he can't see why it should bother me after such a long time. No advice unfortunately, but I do hope someone can help you because this is no way to live. flowers

nueday8 Mon 12-Sep-16 12:16:36

Its horrible Fritz it bothers us so much because, we cant ever trust the one person who we should be able too. It kinda messes with your head an leaves you unable to trust anyone ever again.

All the books I have read seem to concentrate on the immediate time after the affair, I haven't found anything yet which tells you how to manage the feelings we are getting years later.

DH does not understand, how can he, he has not had his heart broken several times over, I have had melt downs over stupid things a photo and a diary from the time of the affair, dh can not understand how after such a long time it can hurt so much, it feels like I am having the rug pulled out from under my feet all over again, the feelings are so intense, I know myself its mad.

I do wonder if I had walked away whether this would be happening, I suspect it wouldn't. I did try counselling but she was rubbish and as well as parrot phrasing everything back to me she told me that it was my fault that he had a affairconfused I did not go back. I should of left long ago, I know that now.

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 13:42:22

So he has an affair, does nothing much to say sorry and make it up to you and is back up to his old tricks, oh and he's a liar too.

I have no idea why you even want to be with someone who continually hurts you, this is not a loving relationship, sorry.

nueday8 Mon 12-Sep-16 16:47:43

Easy to say when you not in the middle of it adora, as it is never just one person being affected by a break up. There are numerous reasons why people stay after a affair, sometimes it works. Sadly for me it hasn't.

nueday8 Mon 12-Sep-16 16:49:35

I hope you manage to work things out Fritz.

adora1 Mon 12-Sep-16 17:07:41

Well yes it's as easy to say to you as I would my daughter, my advice still stands.

FritzDonovan Mon 12-Sep-16 21:40:07

Thanks nueday. I really feel for you over the recent lies. Do you think if you bide your time there would be more to uncover? I know I find it so difficult because I never found concrete proof of the details and of course only the minimum which I know was ever admitted. My H has suggested counselling to focus on the future, and doesn't see that his actions in the past messed up trust and how I perceive things, I don't see how counselling can change this. I suspect your mindset is pretty similar to mine.
What do you think you will do from here?

nueday8 Tue 13-Sep-16 12:00:15

Unfortunately I feel the same about the counselling, not knowing the details fritz does not allow you to heal. Took me 7 years to get the details I needed.

nueday8 Tue 13-Sep-16 13:47:19

No idea where I go from here in.

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