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Partner is a financial disaster

(19 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Asia88 Sun 11-Sep-16 10:08:45

I am sooooo mad at him now! My Italian fiance informed me a few days ago that the house in Italy his parents gave him years ago and that he invested 30k euros in renovating (!!!) is now to be shared 50-50 with his sister! That has happened because even though his family had other properties that were to be shared between him and his sister 50-50, she's been BULLYING them (a gentleman of 80 and a lady of 70) with daily rows, calling them names and all sorts of insults (simultaneously living with them of course) demanding she gets "her future secured" - LOL. As unthinkable as it is to me - someone who bought my own house that fiancé now lives in, and have not been getting a penny from parents since I moved out at 20 (she's 32 now) I can't believe they actually caved in in the end THANKS TO the super helpful suggestion from my fiancé - he actually wanted to transfer the whole house into his sister's name!

I'm not greedy or anything but he didn't even ask her to perhaps give him back half of what he invested in the property - which would really help us towards a deposit in the future (our house is a small terraced two bed at the moment) - he doesn't even think of things like that.

Also I've found out about it literally after he already voiced this suggestion to his parents - he said it was something he was to "sort out with his family" - I guess that I and our baby on the way are not a part of it then?

It is so annoying because like I said, I'm putting money aside so we can get a bigger house in the future, he now lives in my house that I bought, I try to ensure our financial management and think of the little one - in the meantime he goes off and gives away a PROPERTY. I feel a bit conned as well because now it's a bit like "what are you actually bringing to the table financially"? With my recent promotion I'm already on more than he is and now he gives away houses like they're skittles.

And that's not only that, he is always acting super generous with just about everyone as if we were millionaires. When I'm putting money aside and paying off any outstanding debts etc he happily gets into ridiculous financial obligations (like our super car insurance that covers us in case of just about everything inclusive of a bloody alien attack at the cost of £80 a month.) Or when buying a car recently I asked him to put down £1k deposit to lower the cost of instalments and overal credit, even offered to give him money for it - he in the end agreed and put the £1k ON HIS CREDIT CARD. I mean how stupid can you get?! Then next month he comes to me and asks if he can pay less towards housing expenses as he needs to start paying off the card.

He is 8 years older than me but I feel like I have to tell him simple things in life. He comes from a family that has once upon a time had a lot of money and I don't think he understands he is no longer well off and need to think a bit with his head and not just his emotions!

Haggisfish Sun 11-Sep-16 10:14:35

This isn't going to get better. What are the qualities that made you decide to have s baby with him?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 11-Sep-16 10:17:03

I have to ask this; why are you and he together at all now?.

What is he also bringing to the table emotionally?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, you are looking at more of the same financial crisis stuff from him and I daresay that soon you will commence maternity leave. What happens with money then?. Whose name is the debt in?. This man is also putting his own family of origin above you and your unborn child, that state will not change either.

GC79 Sun 11-Sep-16 10:20:53

You don't sound like you like him- why are you with the guy. Actually you sound like you despise him. I don't really think you can blame him for the Italian property stuff- maybe he was just trying to make life easier for his 80year old father who was being bullied. Plus you've already said he will be receiving 50% of other houses.

Asia88 Sun 11-Sep-16 10:35:33

Yes well I don't feel like I like him very much at this moment thank you!!! I'm sure when you get mad at someone only the kind loving words come to mind to describe their behaviours :-//

He is a loving and a kind man and I am normally very happy with him BUT as someone said the fact that he doesn't seem that concerned with our financial future and puts his family of origin above our family is something that irks me. Also the fact that he gets annoyed if I don't run stuff by him yet he happily gives away houses without any input from me.

I treat my house that I bought as a shared good, whereas for him what he has is "his and his family's business" it seems.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 11-Sep-16 10:44:37

"He is a loving and a kind man and I am normally very happy with him BUT as someone said the fact that he doesn't seem that concerned with our financial future and puts his family of origin above our family is something that irks me".

I think it should irk you as well as concern you; he is not going to change but you are doing your own bit here to finance all this by being super responsible yourself and picking up his slack. That has also maintained his illusion common in his family of origin; that they still have cash to burn. They have likely all been living beyond their means for many years.

Is he really all that loving and kind if he continues to put his own family of origin and friends above you and your as yet unborn child?. What is he going to be like when you are on maternity leave and with presumably not much money coming in?.

What do you

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 11-Sep-16 10:45:29

What do you get out of this relationship OP; what is in this for you? The fact that you have not answered that question is itself telling; you will not or equally cannot answer it.

GC79 Sun 11-Sep-16 13:36:34

When I get cross at my partner it's usually everyday niggles. We don't have fundamentally differing approaches to finances. How do you see this will improve when you have a baby and less money coming in?

Toffeelatteplease Sun 11-Sep-16 13:41:29

Have a relationship with him but for god sake don't marry him. He has all thevents hallmarks of screwing you financially.

nueday8 Sun 11-Sep-16 13:43:23

Does not sound good for your future plans.

nueday8 Sun 11-Sep-16 13:45:16

Sorry posted too soon, surely if he was legally given the house then he doesn't have to give his sister half?

ChicRock Sun 11-Sep-16 13:48:54

Do not have any more children with him.

Return to work asap after having your child.

Do not enter into any big purchases with him - house, car, etc.

Do not put his name on the deeds to your house or in any of the utility bills, etc.

Then when you wake up to what an absolute waster this guy is it'll be fairly easy to get rid and carry on as you were, having retained your financial independence, without this utter gobshite leeching off you.

Wallywobbles Sun 11-Sep-16 14:00:04

DO NOT MARRY HIM especially in the UK. Italian men are notoriously awful and all household stuff. You'll end up paying for him always. Bad bad bad news.

8FencingWire Sun 11-Sep-16 14:01:16

It's a matriarchal society, OP, the only one that will sort this out is your future mother in law. You have no say because it goes first to the children, then to grandchildren. Your fiance will do as his mother is telling him. It's the way these things work. Sorry.

In the meantime, do not add him to the house deeds, keep your finances to yourself, keep your name and expect to send your child to Italy for months smile
It's not that bad. But don't interfere in their finances.

DinosaursRoar Sun 11-Sep-16 14:03:05

Interesting that the other properties where to be shared 50/50 but for some reason the boy was to be gifted this one entirely, why was there a plan for this blatant favouritism of your dp? Why is it a bad thing she's pointed out that she should be equally provided for?

Yes, he should be compensated for the money he put into it - and is frankly foolish if he spent the money before having the property handed over to him, can it not be sold now with his investment being deducted from the profit before being split?

Italy is a much more sexist country, in many parts it is still frowned upon for single woman to move out of the family home unless they have to (with work/study taking them away from family) - your SIL is dealing with a very different culture so you can hardly expect her to conduct her life in the same way as you when she has different pressures.

I am genuinely agog you think your pil are out of line expecting your dp to spend money on family things, yet at the same time believing you should be gifted properties (plural!).

Here's an idea, ask for the 30k back and ask to not have any of their properties left to dp/signed over to him - or is actually 30k not a bad investment on the massive handout you are expecting long term from them?

SandyY2K Sun 11-Sep-16 14:20:51

So from what I deduce he was given more property/assets than his sister and she wants it to be a fairer split .... is that correct?

I think all children should get an equal share of the assets. Not more because he's male. I realise he's spent 30k on it and so he should have maybe proposed a 60/40 or 65/35 split in recognition of that, but otherwise I agree with her.

Would you like your DD to get less than a DS that you have? The cycle needs to be broken.

It does annoy me that even my own father (culture issues as well) talks about leaving my brother more than my sisters. I reminded him that should he die first it becomes my mum's, as those assets belong to the both of them jointly. In most cases it ends up being the daughter/s running round and helping their elderly parents, yet it doesn't seem to be appreciated.

VioletBam Sun 11-Sep-16 14:23:52

My DH had a spectacularly naive moment when he said "My Dad told me he's leaving his house to me and my sister to be split 50/50 but of course, I'd never ask her to move out to sell's her home"


She's 46 and lives there with FIL and her son...she's never left...never saved...we have two children and rent!

I knocked a bit of sense into him by asking him if she'd do the same were HE living in the house with FIL whilst she rented?

VestalVirgin Sun 11-Sep-16 15:59:50

I treat my house that I bought as a shared good, whereas for him what he has is "his and his family's business" it seems.

Well, don't. Treat that house as your house. Don't marry him. Treat him as a guest, and do your financial decisions without his input.

People mentioned that Italy has a "matriarchal" culture. (Which I would argue is not the case, but whatever). So, obviously, he needs you to take matters into your own hands.

Matrilocal cultures are made up in the way that people live in their mother's houses, and men only visit women for sex, never come to live with them.
That's apparently what he is used to. Give it to him. Give him no access to your finances. Let him do his own shit, and keep your money to yourself, only investing 50% into all things that you get 50% out of ... or do not invest those 50% if something is so pricey you wouldn't have bought it yourself.

If you want children, only have them if you can provide for them out of your own pocket.

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 11-Sep-16 20:36:36

Hi folks, and OP,

Just popping in to let you know that we've edited the title of this thread. We know you meant no offence whatsoever, OP, but the 'm' word does upset a few folk understandably so we've edited it out. Sorry for messing! As you were.

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