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If you had suspicions your DH was cheating

(30 Posts)
StillAgainstTheWind Sun 11-Sep-16 10:06:02

If you had suspicions your DH was cheating and he denied it and you had no proof what was the outcome?

Did you get your marriage back on track or did it permanently change it. Did you believe your DH when he denied it or did you know deep down he was lying but just didn't have proof.

When you confronted him and he denied did you consider it the end of the matter or did you try and get proof.

How did it affect you mentally?

The reason I'm asking is because a colleague and friend told me the other day his wife had suspicions he was cheating.

He'd been friendly with me - nothing more - and had stopped chatting to me so I eventually asked him if I'd upset him. He told me he'd been having an affair and his wife had got suspicious. He ended it with the OW but lied to his wife and said he hadn't been cheating.

I have met his wife a number of times and see her around every so often and I feel bloody awkward. I keep thinking how tormented she must be and I wish he hadn't told me.

This all happened a good few months ago and he says it's settled down now. But I'm wondering if it's settled down for her hence my post. Thanks.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Sun 11-Sep-16 10:07:47

Didn't you do this last night?

WindInThePussyWillows Sun 11-Sep-16 10:08:10


StillAgainstTheWind Sun 11-Sep-16 10:40:12

Yesterday yes but I didn't get many replies so I thought it might be better in Relationships.

Why the face? I feel awful for his wife having read plenty of threads on here where the wife has suspicions and it torments her because the DH won't admit it. As my colleague's wife had suspicions months ago I'm wondering if it's settled down for her now or whether she's still going through hell. I see her around and hate knowing and wanted to know if it would get better for her or not.

I feel I'd be breaching a confidence if I said anything to her and want to know I'm doing the right thing.

Jaysundaruler89 Sun 11-Sep-16 10:53:34

That's a big secret to dump you with OP!

Do you know her better than him? Would you be sad to lose her friendship if she found out you've kept it from her?

I'd be tempted to talk to him again and tell him that you can't keep his dirty little secret and that if he hasn't confessed all to her by the end if the week that you will tell her what he told you.

She doesn't deserve to unknowingly be with with someone who has done this to her and could have possibly taken home an STI to her. He might do this again with someone else and she is wasting her life with him living a lie. What she does once she knows is up to her but at least she would know the truth to make an informed decision whatever it may be. Good luck.

Jaysundaruler89 Sun 11-Sep-16 10:54:09

of not if. Sorry.

jeaux90 Sun 11-Sep-16 11:41:52

Hey OP. Stay out of it if I was you. Issuing ultimatums to a colleague is completely unprofessional when it's something to do their personal life.

StillAgainstTheWind Sun 11-Sep-16 14:36:20

I know Jay I wish he hadn't told me.

I know him a lot better than her. He's a friend who I have known for years whereas I only know her through him. She's not a friend as such but we normally stop and chat if we see each other out and about.

He would not respond well to an ultimatum and he could very easily tell me he has told her and I probably would not know if he was being truthful.

It is not really my business but I just feel awful knowing. The affair was going on for a few years so it's not like it was just a very brief fling. She deserves so much better.

I just want to know if this will settle down for her or not.

pocketsaviour Sun 11-Sep-16 15:09:34

From my experience, no it won't settle down.

Not least because now he's managed to get away with it once, he'll do it again, and again.

She may act in different ways. She could choose to pretend she believes him and bury her feelings. This will lead to internalised anger and insecurity. She could know that she doesn't believe him but choose to stay for the sake of the DC, while hardening her heart towards him. Or she could try to stick it out for now, but eventually decide to leave.

TBH for me the worst part was knowing they they thought I was thick enough to believe them. And going along with that pretence, in order not to blow the relationship to bits, did terrible things to my sense of self.

LoveRosie2008 Sun 11-Sep-16 16:04:25

I would tell her, I think if we all did this the world might be a bit easier. But it's up to you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 11-Sep-16 16:18:29

From your OP: But I'm wondering if it's settled down for her...

Are you the other woman, OP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 11-Sep-16 16:21:44

There just wouldn't be this level of interest in his wife without a very good reason. You don't have one, you don't know her, you met her only a few times. Why the interest, hmm

You've posted the thread twice and are labouring the point about "it all settling down now".

I was an OW when I was much younger. Your posts are odd.

StillAgainstTheWind Sun 11-Sep-16 21:06:05

Lying no I'm not the OW. A friend of mine is in the middle of a divorce due to her DH cheating. My friend had her suspicions confirmed straightaway so not relevant to this situation but I've seen what it has done to my friend. So it's something I feel strongly about.

Morally I feel his wife has a right to know especially as she has had suspicions but it would cause me problems if I said anything and I don't have any actual proof for his wife so I hadn't intended saying anything but it doesn't sit right.

The purpose of my post was to know if the suspicions settle down. If they do then I can convince myself I'm doing the right thing. If it doesn't go away then I have a really hard decision to make.

Not sure why my posts are odd.

AnyFucker Sun 11-Sep-16 21:13:26

You sound like you had/are having an emotional affair with this bloke so are overly invested in the fact he shagged someone else.

His marriage is none of your business.

Mamaka Sun 11-Sep-16 21:20:24

I'm not sure why your posts are odd either. If some fucker dumped this on me at work I'd be seriously angry. What was your response to him after he told you?
I'd be very torn. If you did tell her you wouldn't need proof you could just say "your skanky dh told me he had an affair" it's not up to you to provide proof.

Mamaka Sun 11-Sep-16 21:21:05

Anyfucker - he made it her business when he told her he was having an affair!

StillAgainstTheWind Sun 11-Sep-16 21:24:28

Not at all AF. From my point of view I couldn't care less if he's shagged someone else. I'm quite happy in my own relationship. His marriage is none of my business but having seen the fallout of an affair at close hand with a friend's marriage I feel for his wife. Especially because I will bump into her at some point and I know her husband had an affair whereas she had suspicions and was lied to. I hate that thought.

SandyY2K Sun 11-Sep-16 21:29:52

I think it depends on what made her suspicious and how things are now in their marriage.

Without proof many people feel unable to walk away, but deep down they just know something is going on. This is why you never show your hand if you suspect.

If they reach a good place in their marriage, she might think she was imagining it all but there's no set way a suspicious wife behaves.

I've had suspicions myself before, but nothing strong enough. That was quite some time ago now and things are different now.

My DH has also asked and seriously suspected that I've cheated on him, in a very big way. Can't say on here as it's quite specific and I could be outed.

PurpleElsa Sun 11-Sep-16 21:31:22

I think it's nice that you are so concerned about his wife op, but I would be a bit careful.

On one hand, if someone knew my DH had cheated I would want them to tell me. But on the other, he is your friend, and his wife may well shoot the messenger so to speak.

You have to work with him at the end of the day. But he doesn't sound like a nice bloke.

FritzDonovan Sun 11-Sep-16 21:32:16

Please, please tell her. You do have proof- he told you he was having an affair. You could have written this post about me (the wife) and it's seriously screwing me up more as time goes on. I identify with everything pocket posted above, it's surely better to know, even if just to save your sanity. A marriage can recover from infidelity, but this uncertainty just goes on and on. Please tell her and prove there are still some honest, trustworthy people out there.

FritzDonovan Sun 11-Sep-16 21:39:49

Just to add, we've moved a long way from where we lived before, so chances are that if anything was happening it's over, but the constant mental stress of not having satisfactory answers to lots of 'red flags ' seriously screws with your mental health. The feeling that they must think you are completely stupid (for so long) is horribly damaging to self esteem in the long-term.

FritzDonovan Sun 11-Sep-16 22:00:16

...and the thought that they'll do it again and you'll miss the warning signs never goes away if you don't get honest answers and closure....please tell her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 11-Sep-16 22:07:01

I'm completely unconvinced by your motives, OP. This is how it reads to me:

You keep on about wanting to know if things have settled down. Why? What is it to you? I'm reading your words and they sound insincere to me. In fact, you could be any 'other woman', not part of this arrangement at all, just wanting to hear about what a wife is possibly 'going through'.

I really winced when I read pocketsaviour's post because she's openly described her feelings on this and I know that she's been through the mill. I hope nobody else posts their heartbreak on this thread.

Your post at 14.36 confirmed what I thought. I think you're disingenuous in your posts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 11-Sep-16 22:25:16

To clarify what I meant; there is 'benefit' to an OW who isn't coping well with her situation to canvas (obscurely) for posters' experiences of being cheated on.

That is how your posts are coming across to me. I'm not suggesting that you're anything other than a regular poster but I am saying that I think your request for views on whether somebody's emotions at having been cheated on 'will have settled down' are jarring; to me anyway.

PurpleElsa Sun 11-Sep-16 22:56:22

I've thought about this more since I last posted.

I would definitely want to know. I suffer badly from anxiety and the thought of what it would do to me if I suspected and was lied to etc....

Tell her.

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