Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He hasn't come home

(1000 Posts)
NoCapes Sun 11-Sep-16 07:27:20

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

EarthboundMisfit Sun 11-Sep-16 07:28:42

Well the makeup isn't easy to explain.
Why are you putting up with this? Not being snarky...genuine question.

NoCapes Sun 11-Sep-16 07:31:05

I had a thread on here about the make up, he said he'd been to a strip club and it was from a stripper (I know!!)

There's just always an explanation at the time
But when you put it all together I can see I'm being an absolute mug

We've got 3 kids and I lost our 4th last week, it's not just as simple as 'you're taking the piss get out' is it

PirateFairy45 Sun 11-Sep-16 07:32:45

You had a miscarriage last week and that dipshit is out on the piss?

You know you're being taken for a mug love sad

Idrinkandiknowstuff Sun 11-Sep-16 07:32:48

He's taking you for an absolute mug. If he's out that often then it really won't make any difference to you if you chuck him out.

hesterton Sun 11-Sep-16 07:33:26

So sorry for your loss. flowers

It's not that simple, no, but it may be worth building towards more independence with a view to breaking away when you can; he's making you so unhappy and treating you so badly.

StealthPolarBear Sun 11-Sep-16 07:34:28

Well presumably it's another "fight" and he'll be in hospital with his friend.
are you able to get out of this?

FruitCider Sun 11-Sep-16 07:34:42

He goes out 4/5 times a week? And his friends get into fights, whilst he turns up with make up on his top?

You deserve far better. My dp would be out on his arse if he behaved like that even if for 1 week!

NoCapes Sun 11-Sep-16 07:35:13

Pirate it was a late miscarriage, I went in and delivered
But it's ok because he stayed in for 3 whole days afterwards hmm !

Idrink that is a good point, it wouldn't make much difference

StealthPolarBear Sun 11-Sep-16 07:35:28

Sorry just read your last post. I did intend my comment as supportive flowers

NoCapes Sun 11-Sep-16 07:36:14

Yep Stealth there will be another "reasonable" explanation when he finally rocks up I'm sure

stateofpay Sun 11-Sep-16 07:36:19

Wow he's not very respectful is he. ''Yea make ups off that stripper, remember I've been their before' i can actually imagine him saying this to you shock you need a long chat with him flowers

IzzyIsBusy Sun 11-Sep-16 07:37:50

I am sorry you lost your baby flowers

I am also sorry you partner is a twat.

A week after losing your child hes out on the piss hmm

I know its easy for us to say LTB but you know that is the only answer.
Starting thread after thread about him wont help you. You will not get 1 poster saying stay with him.
You need to start planning as LTB is not straight forward.
Also please please use contraception from now on because as vulneranle you are now it will be even harder for you pregnant or just after having child number 4.

He wont change OP. You cannot change him.
It is up to you to change your life nobody can do it for you.
Do you want to be with a man who does not love or care for his children and their mother?

TreeBird16 Sun 11-Sep-16 07:38:08

So I presume if he goes out 4-5 nights a week that he is permanently hung over and does nothing with your kids? And you are alone 4-5 nights a week. And I presume he works so isn't around 5 days?

So what exactly would you lose by booting him out on his arse? Imagine waking up and going about your day not having his lazy arse in bed?

Tellitstraight387 Sun 11-Sep-16 07:39:08

It's not simple when you have no self esteem and I'm guessing you don't have much living with him.

Men like this never change and you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery with him.

I'm sorry for your loss but please don't have any more children with this man. He is not a good role model for your kids and there will come a time when he stops explaining at all.

You have one life and you are wasting it with this loser

LIZS Sun 11-Sep-16 07:40:40

Sadly you know what needs to happen , but only you can decide if and when. He has no respect or concern for you, or the dc. Most men would not behave this way and take you for granted. Is there anyone you can speak to ?

NoCapes Sun 11-Sep-16 07:41:51

Izzy I know
In my head I say all of that to myself constantly
Why would he change when I allow him to act single and have the perks of a relationship?

I just don't know where to start
I don't work, we spend more than we have coming on every single month so I couldn't even start squirrelling money away there is none spare, if I went onto benefits of have to wait a good 6 weeks for it all to go through with no money atall
Even the car is his

Iamdobby63 Sun 11-Sep-16 07:42:25

Well it seems like he wants it all, the family and the single life. He can't.

How do you feel about him? And more importantly how does he make you feel about yourself?

I'm sorry but he is really selfish and is taking the piss.

AyeAmarok Sun 11-Sep-16 07:42:47

You sound like you value yourself so little. And you shouldn't. You should expect to be treated kindly by someone who is supposed to love you.

Would you like to leave, if circumstances allowed?

WordGetsAround Sun 11-Sep-16 07:43:30

How on earth does your family afford this? I couldn't get over the waste of money on top of everything else.

pallasathena Sun 11-Sep-16 07:44:41

Could your parents help out temporarily?

NoCapes Sun 11-Sep-16 07:44:55

Telitstraight no I think you're right I haven't got any self esteem
Every time he does somethings or says something (like how all the women at work fancy him and this ones asked him out and someone in the barbers was hitting on him blablabla) I always say to myself that it's not me, it's him being a dick and I won't become one of those women who start to be grateful for any crumbs of attention from their partner
But I fear I'm getting there
It's fucking pathetic

NoCapes Sun 11-Sep-16 07:46:46

Word he doesn't always spend money, he doesn't drink often so it's not like he's going out pissing loads of money up the wall
Last night and all day yesterday I had the bank card so I don't know where he got his money from, I'm starting to think he's squirrelling money away somewhere

somekindofmother Sun 11-Sep-16 07:47:23

I think you need to leave.

what is he bringing to the relationship? he can't be doing much or spending much time with you or the kids if he's out every other night? what does he do to make u happy?

it doesn't sound like he's particularly caring or supportive if u lost a baby recently and he's adding to your hurt and stress by behaving this way.

leaving isn't simple. but u can make it simple. pack him a bag, leave it outside with a note 'you chose not to come home, so don't bother come home ever again' lock the doors and call the police if he doesn't just leave.

be strong. u don't deserve to be treated this way.

IzzyIsBusy Sun 11-Sep-16 07:50:50

You need to start planning.

Is the house bought/private rent/council?
Whos names on the mortgage tennacy?

This thread is not accepting new messages.