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Trust, and Rebuilding it after Infidelity?

(13 Posts)
Spiralizer Sun 11-Sep-16 00:39:22

A year or so ago, I found out my husband had been using online sites to find casual sex. He admitted to a ons while he was on a work trip abroad.

Obviously I was distraught, and the problem was compounded by the fact he minimised, denied and outright lied about the facts over the following few months. I did feel (rightly or wrongly) that I wanted to hear every (unpleasant) detail - I was shocked that he would do that to me despite the fact we had been through a rough time.

Forward almost a year, and we've had counselling, done a lot of talking and a lot of rebuilding. I'm feeling better than I was before this happened, he says he is too, and I feel we've solved a lot of our problems. I'm also pregnant, due in a few weeks.

The problem is that recently, he has started really upsetting me. Things like a work (day) trip with just him and a younger, student employee where they would be having meals alone together. Then a female friend of his visiting from abroad and wanting to have dinner together (I can't go as will be due date and have been pretty much housebound with back pain).

I know people will say this is why not to forgive a cheat, but things were much better after counselling and I don't even want to feel like this but the lies have made me feel so insecure. We've had a blazing row tonight and I'm in bed feeling so sad and depressed, wondering whether I should actually just give up and divorce him, or if I'm being unreasonable not to just trust him again. It's exhausting and I'd really appreciate some unbiased insight.

ExpatTrailingSpouse Sun 11-Sep-16 00:46:56

Why have you had a blazing row? Is it because he thinks his wanting to have dinner/trips with these women is more important than regaining, or keeping your regained trust? Because that's not the attitude of someone who is sorry about what they did. (Speaking from personal experience). If he cannot put himself in your shoes and see why this is all upsetting then he doesn't get it and unfortunately I don't think you've made the gains you think you have. A year is nothing to recover from what he did - I've read two years at least on average if not longer.

Also if this friend of his from overboard wants to see him that badly why can he not order some takeout and you all have dinner at home together?

In my experience, children will not make this any better...

Best of luck and try not to stress.

SandyY2K Sun 11-Sep-16 00:54:36

I think you should have put some rules/boundaries in place concerning him and other females following his infidelity.

Apart from the counselling what has he done to make you feel safe?

How does he reassure you it won't happen again?

What consequences did he face after the affair?

The dating sites for local sex? Was that in the UK or abroad?

Why do you believe it was a one off? Somehow I think you don't know the half of it.

I would suggest you feel this way because he thinks the cheating is history and you should just get over it.

You feel unsafe because he's become complacent and doesn't think you're going to leave now that your pregnant. He's gotten comfortable again.

Spiralizer Sun 11-Sep-16 00:57:56

Thank you for answering.

Well, I am quite hormonal, so I did get rather more upset than I usually do. I felt he was being disrespectful even raising the issue with me. He asked if
I minded, and before all this was discovered, no, I never minded. My trust was absolute.

I suppose the crux of it is that I would like to feel better about it, but I don't, and however irrational it might be of me, I don't want to have to feel like a bitch for saying 'no' to this stuff. He accepts me saying no, but I feel he resents it.

Spiralizer Sun 11-Sep-16 01:03:57

Sandy - the ons took place abroad, but he was flirting on the site, which is international, as I understand, here in the UK as well.

I don't know if he is telling the whole truth. Trouble is, I have no way of knowing. I've asked a lot of questions and from what I can tell, it was flirting and then taking it 'further'. I'm fairly sure he'd have admitted to anything else by now, but I don't have any realistic way of knowing for sure.

SandyY2K Sun 11-Sep-16 01:04:05

He accepts me saying no, but I feel he resents it.

That's a consequence of cheating on your wife.

If he really wants to get an insight of how you feel and how he can help, I suggest he (and you) look at

www.survivinginfidelity.com

There are several threads on there and simply by reading in the wayward forum .. he can learn a lot and realise you're acting normal for a BW.

SandyY2K Sun 11-Sep-16 01:07:24

I was just wondering that if he was looking for casual sex on the site in the UK, but confessed to cheating abroad .... then I'd think I wasn't getting the truth.

Spiralizer Sun 11-Sep-16 01:12:15

Can I ask why? I'm not sure, as I said. How would I find out, though?

He travels abroad for work, or he did, until I found out this. If he had cheated in the UK, he would have needed to make an excuse to me. I figured he did it abroad because alone in a hotel would probably be an easier way to cheat - what do I know, though? I never did it.

Timeforamiracle Sun 11-Sep-16 01:56:37

Sorry OP that you're feeling so crap - I know that feeling only too well. It's easy to get our values mixed up after infidelity. You say you don't want to feel like a bitch for saying No, but he's forfeited his right to female "friendships" hasn't he and as somebody else said why can the female friend come to yours and get a take away, or you could go along even if it is your due date and if you go into labour then he takes you home or to hospital and friend buggers off.......you aren't being irrational - you would be if he hadn't cheated but he has so it's rational to be suspicious.

You say you're hormonal well yes cus you're near your due date but by setting up meetings with the student (and why does he have to do that) and the female friend "from abroad" (really - are you sure?) he's not on - not at all. I'm not surprised you're upset.

When you say he accepts NO does that mean he won't be having the day with the student on his own and no dinner with the female friend? And yes I'm sure he does resent him because like many men he wants to do his own thing, having his cake and eating it kind of thing.

Don't beat yourself up about being irrational and hormonal. You gave him a second chance and now just a year on he's upsetting you about these arrangements with other women.

WombOfOnesOwn Sun 11-Sep-16 03:38:30

My H, when we were first getting together, was not faithful to me. I found out, very nearly left him, and decided I'd give him another chance. It has been nearly four years since that time. About once a year or so, I'll find that a friendship or acquaintanceship of his is setting off my infidelity alarm bells.

So I usually try to calm myself down for a little bit, then get angry about it anyway. Do you know what he does?

We don't have a blazing row. He deeply regrets that time in our relationship. He cuts contact with anyone I'm even slightly uncomfortable with, even when I tell him he doesn't have to, because he values our relationship and connection more than he values random women who could provide a transient ego boost. His phone and computer and so on are an open book to me, and we borrow each other's electronics regularly enough that if he was hiding something, it'd become obvious quickly.

There's a difference between how a genuinely regretful man who values your partnership acts and how a likely repeat cheater acts. Trust your gut -- which says don't trust him.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Sun 11-Sep-16 05:16:27

You're not upset because you're pregnant and hormonal.

You're upset because your husband is a cheat and you've bought into the idea that the best thing to do with a cheating husband is to forgive and move on.

Why?

Why would having a cheating husband be better than having no husband at all?

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 11-Sep-16 10:20:42

I'm wondering If he's feeling much more comfortable and confident to cheat again, as you got pregnant (it seems) fairly quickly after you found out he'd cheated. He must feel you're a sure thing and he didn't have to put much work on to regain your trust and get you to stay. He's taking the mickey to be frank. He wants to have his cake and eat it. He hasn't agreed wholeheartedly to make changes and work on the relationship so you giving him an inch means he's taking a mile. Sorry OP sounds like there's still alot of work to be done

SandyY2K Sun 11-Sep-16 13:57:12

The reason I asked is that if he was searching for a local hook up in the UK, but only admitted to cheating abroad it doesn't add up.

If he searched UK local, then it's more likely that he was looking for local sex and not just sex when he was away.

Please don't think he'd need to give you an excuse to have sex locally. He could say he was off to the gym, working late, out with friends or even hook up during the daytime while you think he's at work. Annual leave has been used before now for cheaters to get together.

I also asked because you may not know the extent of his cheating back then. You probably will never know, but if you knew it wasn't just a one time thing, you may not have reconciled.

What's the chances that the first time he did it you caught him.

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