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Gf moving in/not moving in and kids

(13 Posts)
Mysecretgarden Sat 10-Sep-16 17:32:18

I am female and I have been dating my gf for several years. I am very happy with her and it is a massive change from my emotionally abusive exh.
We would like to move in together but the holidays have cooled me off a lot.
Dd has called my gf names and kicked her. It seemed to come out of the blue because she didn't like the conversation topic.
Gf let it go and I had a good talk with Dd.
We had planned a lovely holiday but Dd didn't want to come because gf was there.
Gf tries her best with the Dc. I feel that no one will ever be good enough for them. So I have 2 life's, one with the kids, one with my Dp. I feel that the Dc want me to choose between them and her and i should not have to.

sunshineintheclouds Sat 10-Sep-16 17:36:30

How old are you dc?? Have you talked to them about relationships etc.
In the most polite way possible it could be a reaction to the fact you are dating another women especially if they are primary aged children

Mysecretgarden Sat 10-Sep-16 17:43:02

I have asked and they have said no but they seem to think that gay=uncool

sunshineintheclouds Sat 10-Sep-16 17:47:25

From that I expect they are teenage/preteen.
In that case a good sit down talk could be in order and a firm approach to what behaviour is expecting from them towards your dp.

Mysecretgarden Sat 10-Sep-16 17:54:11

Exactly sunshine

Cary2012 Sat 10-Sep-16 18:37:46

Your sexuality is irrelevant, they must be told that your partner and friends must be treated with respect.

You don't have two lives, you have one, and they and your partner are part of it.

I'd talk to them, set firm and fair boundaries.

If you 'choose' them, they will think they can influence all your future relationships. They need to know that you love them unconditionally, but can and will make your own choices.

There is absolutely room in your life, and love in your heart for your partner and your kids. Tell and show them that.

When they are older, they will realise that if you're happy, they're happy.

Right now, they are terribly influenced by peer pressure, so bear that in mind. But that will pass as they mature.
Good luck

Mysecretgarden Sun 11-Sep-16 15:42:25

Thanks Cary,

I am definitely shameful for them. Not allowed to pick up in front of friends.

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Sep-16 15:51:12

If they can't accept your sexuality and they're kicking your girlfriend then of course she can't move in with you. How old are the children?

Mysecretgarden Sun 11-Sep-16 16:06:47

9 to 13

Cabrinha Sun 11-Sep-16 16:12:38

The 9yo kicked an adult?! Must have been the youngest, surely? But kicking at 9? Fucking hell. Riot act over that.

I would say don't rush moving in together - kids have a right to struggle with that and need it to be slow. But what did you do about the kicking?

Re being ashamed of you in front of friends - is that typical we're too cool teenage stuff? I'd put my foot down and say you're not taking them / picking them up. If it's too embarrassing, they can walk / not go.

Cabrinha Sun 11-Sep-16 16:15:59

Just re-read you'd been together several years.
You have a daughter who kicks (?), who won't go on hols with your established partner, is coping with their mother coming out, divorce, probably witnessing and even being on the end of EA from her father...

What about family therapy? (without your GF at first)

PushingThru Sun 11-Sep-16 16:24:45

I think sometimes people rush in far too quickly to assume issues with children in same sex parenting scenarios all arise from that aspect alone. Look at all the different problematic dynamics that can occur in heterosexual-parented families.

Mysecretgarden Sun 11-Sep-16 17:54:51

That's right pushing. It is already not simple with heterosexual step parents. In fact is it not the same issue as with any new partner?

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