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I am obsessed with ex and it's ruining my life

(19 Posts)
Therealbridgetjones Sat 10-Sep-16 15:37:33

This will make me sound crazy but I am honestly not.

I can’t stop obsessing about my ex. I hope that recognising this is a problem is a good start, but I don’t know where to go for help.

We split about a month ago because he is moving and doesn’t want to do long distance. We have sporadically been in touch but I this is pointless I know so I stopped.

I feel like I spend my whole day thinking about him. My thoughts go from regretting breaking up, to worrying I won’t meet anyone else, to wondering if he is with someone else, to replaying moments from our relationship. I have blocked him on fb but I constantly check his friends profiles for info and other social networking sites.

We only dated for 6 months but in a way I feel like this is worse, because we were very much in the honeymoon period and I probably didn’t spend enough time with him to see any of his faults.

The only time I get a break from it is when I’m super busy at work, but the weekends and evenings just hit me 10 times harder. I’m not really upset or sad as I’ve accepted the end but the obsessing is driving me insane. I feel out of control and its damaging my self-esteem comparing myself to girls on his social media that might be better than me.

I was driving through the city centre today and caught a glimpse of a car that was similar to his; I’ve no idea if it was him driving it or even if it was the same car but now my mind is making up all kinds of scenarios like him having another girl with him or dating someone else - wondering what he was doing or where he was going -I don't even know if it was him!

On the outside I have a good job, a good life and I know I am not hideously unattractive. I know this is irrational and insane and I want to stop it but I just don’t know how.

SandyY2K Sat 10-Sep-16 15:42:37

As he moved and doesn't or didn't want to do long, you don't have many options but to accept it. I think you were a lot more invested in the relationship than he was.

He's not going to be the only fella for you out there.

Therealbridgetjones Sat 10-Sep-16 15:45:44

Yes I know all of this and I have accepted it. I'm not trying to get him back, yes I probably was more invested, blah blah.

But, I still need practical help on how to stop the obsessing. It has obviously become a habit that I can't get out of.

croon979 Sat 10-Sep-16 15:58:25

It hasn't been that long and it will get better, I promise. keep busy and be kind to yourself. I split up with someone a long time ago in very similar circumstances and, I agree, it makes it so much more difficult when there isn't a bad reason for the split, no one cheated, there are stil feelings there. So I sympathize and, being real with you, it will take time. You will meet someone else in the right circumstances and at the right time though. In the meantime, work hard, play hard and live your life to the full.

ivykaty44 Sat 10-Sep-16 15:58:33

It's a chemical reaction of withdrawal symptoms, rather than a habit.

It will fad but you need to give it time.

You don't think about him when your busy

So keep busy at the weekends and evenings for two to three weeks, as this will stop you mithering about him

do things that are not your usual routine and change your habits, this will also help as you wont have memories with a newish routine

cheezy Sat 10-Sep-16 15:59:22

could you dedicate half an hour 'obsessing time' per day - save up all the obsessing for then?
keep really really busy in the evenings and at weekends?
immediately switch your thoughts from ex to something you are excited about/ looking forward to?
try mindfulness (I know everyone bangs on about it but it might help you accept those thoughts and allow them to pass, rather than trying to suppress them)

It's early days - it will pass! flowers

Therealbridgetjones Sat 10-Sep-16 16:10:52

I'm also moving to a new city soon which will help I hope, as there will then be practically no change of seeing him and no memories.

I have a tendency to overthink and at times like this I find it hard to suppress.

thestamp Sat 10-Sep-16 16:12:55

Agree with ivy, it's withdrawal symptoms. OP you hit the nail on the head by saying breaking up during the honeymoon period had made it hit you harder. The "high" of being with someone during that intense phase will be very difficult to kick BUT it is temporary and you absolutely will feel better in time.

Can you put a block on your PC and phone to prevent checking social media? I say this because each time you check and find something via his friends you're getting a mini "hit" of that high and that's going to draw out the withdrawal symptoms. Cold turkey will get you out of this stage more quickly.

There's an opening up for happiness thread on here for people who are going no contact... that might be a good accountability thread for you to chat to others and get support for breaking the habit of checking friends social media?

You are going to be fine. I'm just sorry it's so hard right now. Xx

ivykaty44 Sat 10-Sep-16 16:30:21

Sorry cheesy but I think setting aside time to obsess is not going to be helpful, as this will then become a habit and then op has to try and break that habit.

Distraction with being busy and focusing on alternatives will prevent a habit forming that then also has to be broken.

Therealbridgetjones Sat 10-Sep-16 16:38:56

I'm not sure the obsession time would really work. It seems to be more of a constant thought stream in my head which I think I need to turn off rather than focus on one time frame.

UnicornPee Sat 10-Sep-16 16:41:56

You'll find you slowly forget about him with time and especially when you meet someone else

Squeegle Sat 10-Sep-16 16:45:16

Oh, I guess we have all been there! And it does get better I promise. Keep as busy as you can. It will fade. Ideally force yourself to do stuff at weekends - ie do courses etc . It won't erase him but it will give you some distance at this time .

WavingNotDrowning Sat 10-Sep-16 17:11:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sillyoldwoman30 Sat 10-Sep-16 17:28:41

I could of actually wrote this.
Accept we have been split a year.
I spent months thinking (obsessing ) about it.
Reliving conversations and thinking about him non stop,he was even in my dreams.
Wondering what he was doing,did he still think of me,how to get him back etc.
It took a while but I've snapped out of it,I'm not sure how..I think I bored myself.
I'm dating someone else,which does help.
You think il never meet someone else and then you do and you realise how stupid you were.
I don't mean your stupid I just mean for all the time you've spent obsessing

Sillyoldwoman30 Sat 10-Sep-16 17:28:53

Except not accept

Therealbridgetjones Sat 10-Sep-16 17:43:29

A little part of me DOES think I won't meet anyone else; we had a great connection and chemistry. But I'm trying not to dwell on that and hoping it's just because I'm not ready - I've been on tinder etc but I just compare which isn't healthy.

He was supposed to be a bit of a rebound after a previous relationship ended at Christmas last year but it turned into a lot more. So I kind of want to get out of the habit of using one man to get over another...

JustSpeakSense Sat 10-Sep-16 17:50:41

What you feel is quite normal, don't be too hard on yourself. You need to start 'starving' your obsession with your ex (and stop feeding it by checking social media etc.) the thoughts you have of him will slowly start to diminish. Try to keep busy, change your routines a bit, be kind to yourself.

You will meet someone again, but only when you are ready, you are not ready at the moment. Right now you need time to yourself to heal.

Good luck

WavingNotDrowning Sat 10-Sep-16 17:53:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Therealbridgetjones Sat 10-Sep-16 18:57:08

Well the first guy I didn't really like in hindsight but it was a messy breakup (cheating) and I had low self esteem so the new guy has been helpful in restoring some of that - and I now remember what it's like to be with someone where there is good chemistry!

Just need to find it again. I have deleted fb and Instagram from my phone which I hope will remove some temptation. Also going to try and stop mentioning him in conversation.

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