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How do I tell my Mum?

(56 Posts)
pullingmyhairout1 Sat 10-Sep-16 08:15:29

My Mum is a narcissist. She also emotionally manipulates until she gets what she wants. I am an only child, and whilst she has helped me over the years emotionally and financially (multiple redundancies in short space of time) this help has always come with strings such as she expects me to 'toe the line' and for the most part I have for a quiet life.

This time I can't though. My eldest has been bullied horrifically the last year, and my ex has started damaging my vehicle amongst other things. Both are at the point where we can no longer live where we do so I have agreed a let on a property 25 miles away which gets my son out of this cesspit of a place. I have broached the subject of moving with my Mum and she is adamant my son should not run away from his problems. Given that the Police have advised us that they won't go and see the parents because it will escalate the problem and my son's school are powerless I disagree with my Mum so I am going. I have to tell her though. Can anyone give me an idea of how. I am ultra stressed by this. I know writing to her will piss her off more than face to face but face to face is going to be mega nightmare and she will go nuclear.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 10-Sep-16 08:22:40

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist and I would not tell her that you are moving. Infact I would further lower the level of contact with her so that it eventually goes down to zero.

I also doubt very much that her "help" has actually come without any sense of obligation and guilt attached to it.

DownTownAbbey Sat 10-Sep-16 08:24:02

From the outside looking in this is not your mums decision and is actually none of her business so it's easy to see how she's worn you down over the years. Just go. How often are you in contact with her? If its weekly or so she won't have to know until it's a fait accompli. You and your son are being sensible, she's enjoying your misery as when you're down she has more control. Good luck flowers

pullingmyhairout1 Sat 10-Sep-16 08:35:13

Plenty of obligation and guilt without doubt Attila. If I'm not doing what she expects I get anxiety.

I do see her a couple of times per week. I know this has to stop. Grrr I'm such an idiot. I know this is far from healthy.

crayfish Sat 10-Sep-16 08:41:42

God why do you see her so often?! My mother is an abusive (emotionally), controlling narc and I haven't seen her for three years. I highly recommend it.

Aussiebean Sat 10-Sep-16 09:17:49

Don't tell until it is done and then present it as such.

'Oh well, it is done now. We will just see how it goes. '

If she threatens not to see you ' well that is entirely up to you. Do what you think is best. '

Aussiebean Sat 10-Sep-16 09:19:04

Oh and don't waste your breath trying to justify anything. You made the decision and it is done. End of discussion.

LozzaChops Sat 10-Sep-16 09:43:48

Just go. Tell her afterwards if you really feel you have to (although perfect opportunity to go NC).

It will be a good reminder for both of you that she has absolutely no right to control over your life decisions. Don't rise to any fall-out. You don't need to justify any decisions you make for your family.

I know it's born of a shitty situation, but I hope you find it empowering smile

0dfod Sat 10-Sep-16 09:52:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pullingmyhairout1 Sat 10-Sep-16 09:57:36

Ironically when I was younger I did just go and not give a monkeys about the consequences but as I've got older I've got more afraid. Flaming ridiculous. I feel anxious about telling her but not telling her feels alien. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh. Why do I feel like this?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 10-Sep-16 10:03:52

She has likely trained you to serve her and put your own needs and self last. Your boundaries with her are pretty much non existent because she sees you as an extension of her. You've also never been at all encouraged to have any boundaries.

Do read the stately homes thread and the website entitled daughters of narcissistic mothers.

(BTW you do not mention your dad; is he in your life at all now?).

Luvjubs Sat 10-Sep-16 10:38:25

FWIW I believe you are 100% doing the right thing for your son. There's playground picking and then there's the need to involve the police. I hope she doesn't try and convince you to stick around sad
I'd sort the new place out and sign contracts before I told her if it were me. A narc will of course try and get you to do what they want, by any means necessary. If she doesn't accept you doing what's best for you and your son, I would be going no contact. Goo luck, you're doing the right thing.

CodyKing Sat 10-Sep-16 10:43:29

I'm sorry you're son is having to deal with this - he's not running away!

We all leave bad situations - bad marriages - bad jobs - bad what ever

That doesn't make up failures - nor does it mean we are running away

You are moving on for a better life.

New area new friends new school or jobs - a fresh happy start

You are being brave.

I would stick it out - not would I look back

As an adult what your mom thinks is irrelevant - so ignore. You live your life - she doesn't have to.

CodyKing Sat 10-Sep-16 10:44:26

I wouldn't stick it out - nor look back

pullingmyhairout1 Sat 10-Sep-16 11:01:55

Atilla my Dad is around but he serves her because otherwise his life is not worth living otherwise. We have a mutual joke of 'it's only the depth that varies' as in how much trouble we get in with Mum. Only it's not really funny and I need to break the cycle for me and my kids.

Ironically Mum complains about her Mum being the same....

pullingmyhairout1 Fri 16-Sep-16 16:46:50

I did something stupid. I wrote to the woman. Now she has put a shitty statement on Facebook about deceipt and lies (forwarded by my friend) and gone NC with me. Now I almost feel cheated because I wasn't the one that went NC.

I feel sick though, and stressed. I feel very alone too. Why do I allow that woman so much damn control over me. I am 40 soon fgs.

I hate my life sometimes.

diddl Fri 16-Sep-16 17:12:04

You might not have been the one who went NC, but you can be the one who ensures that it continues that way.

So, you didn't do what she said & she cuts you off -who treats a daughter like that?

She doesn't deserve you or your children in her life.

pullingmyhairout1 Fri 16-Sep-16 18:29:08

Thank you diddl I feel scared.

Ratbagcatbag Fri 16-Sep-16 18:36:40

Honestly, keep up the NC. Move and take your life forwards positively.

My dad is a narc (a Nasty violent one at that) not seen him in 15 years. My life is richer for it.
Don't panic, they want that. She wants you to feel you cannot do this without her, everything I achieved my dad took credit for, every time I let him down (in his opinion) it was because I tried to think for myself rather than agreeing with what he'd decided for me. Honestly, Being free to make my own decisions (and mistakes) is so bloody liberating. You can do this.

mylaptopismylapdog Fri 16-Sep-16 18:55:39

You are not an idiot, you a mother doing what is best for you and your son. You will be happier without her and he will be happier because you are happier and he has a chance or a new start..

mylaptopismylapdog Fri 16-Sep-16 18:57:15


Aussiebean Fri 16-Sep-16 19:04:09

Give it time for the dust to settle and you will find life becomes calmer.

It is good that she has done it because she is not pressuring you to break the nc.

Sit back, relax look after your family and enjoy not having to talk to her

MatildaTheCat Fri 16-Sep-16 19:23:54

She'll be in touch by tomorrow unfortunately. I would bet on it.

Just repeat, 'I listened to you and others and decided on what was best for me and the DC.'

And then go very LC.

pullingmyhairout1 Sat 17-Sep-16 06:41:14

This morning although I am very anxious still I am not sure I can be arsed to answer the phone to her or Dad if they do decide to contact me. If I'm honest I cba

pullingmyhairout1 Sat 17-Sep-16 07:07:21

If anyone phones it will be Dad. She'll make him do it and hide behind her stress and illness (she's not that ill).

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