I can't stand my DSis - how do I stop it from consuming me?

[TruffleHeart]

I strongly dislike my Sister and it's becoming all consuming.

We fell out last year after she behaved in an appalling way. It was then that I realized that she's just a deeply unpleasant person. She's shallow, controlling, manipulative and nasty. I have nothing in common with her. To add to that, she puts me down and belittles me whenever she gets the opportunity, constantly rolling her eyes and making jibes about me under her breath when we're in company.

Trouble is, she has a DD who I adore. I have to stay in touch with her to be able to spend time with DN. She is a lazy parent, and I worry about DNs upbringing, but I daren't say anything to her or she will bite my head off.

My parents are deeply worried about her, but they support and enable her bad behaviour because they love her. They parent DN more than she does. Occasionally they will admit to me that they disapprove of her behaviour, but other times they will refuse to hear a bad word against her.

I find myself constantly comparing myself to her, and seething silently. Occasionally I rant to my DM, but it always ends in an argument. I know that it's the wrong thing to do.

Last week I achieved something big in work, and really made a difference. I posted about it on FB with some pictures, and told my friends about it in the pub because I was so chuffed. Later on, I asked my DN whether her Mum had told her what I'd done (it's to do with something that interests DN), and she said "Oh yeah Mum said Aunty Truffle was going on about it". That was it - she fucking disparaged me to my DN.

DN has recently developed an attitude problem. She answers back to me and calls me names (she's 8). I won't stand for it, but I recognize all of the disparaging things that she says to me as stuff that she has heard her mother say. She knows me and her mother don't like each other, and this is how she is expressing it.

Meanwhile today, I've opened my Facebook to see yet another attention seeking selfie from her, with the obligatory 'You look lovely hun' comments. She's so fucking narcissistic it drives me nuts.

How do I let go, step back, and stop caring about the fucking car crash that is her life. It's eating away at me and I know it's not healthy.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Can you not just see dn when she is with your dm?

[Amandahugandkisses]

You need to accept the situation. We can't all like our siblings but you need to stop obsessing.
See your DN on your own.

[springydaffs]

Your extreme reaction to her could be mixed up with your fear for her daughter?

Would you feel it appropriate to contact SS about her? I'm not joking.

I no longer see my sister who bears a striking resemblance to your sister. She is so nasty she is like a pantomime dame - I can honestly not remember one kind or ordinary comment that has come out of her mouth towards me. My whole life!

Her stuff, of course. Entirely. Some people just don't like to carry their own weight and have to splurge it all over other people they are jealous of

But separate out your feelings about her 1. towards you, and 2. towards your niece in order to get some clarity around this.

[CodyKing]

If she's does X in company then that is entirely a reflection of her and not you!! People will judge her - and not you.

DM will love her mother unconditionally - there's not much you can do about it - she will always think badly jog you

Block or hide her FB page

[sleepachu]

the selfie bit makes me think maybe you're angry and blowing it out of proportion. posting selfies isn't narcissistic, it isn't even irritating unless you let it be. and if your niece is 8, maybe she's just not as interested in your work thing as you'd hoped she'd be. she should be allowed to parent her wee girl how she wants unless there are legitimate safety concerns.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

This must be very difficult for your DN, of course she will feel protective/defensive of her mother if she is aware of your dislike, how could it be other wise? Bit naive to call it an attitude problem when you're modelling such inappropriate behaviour to her (as is her mother but she is not going to blame her own DM!)

[TruffleHeart]

I can, yes. But over the summer hols, we've been doing stuff together - Me, DSis and DN. I realize now that my DSis is probably just using me to help out and do the organizing - because she can't be arsed. And I go along with it because I know that if I don't do it, DN will miss out on a day out.

And to be honest, when we do have days out together, she's fine - because she is humbled and has to be nice to me. But when we're in company, she turns into a bitch again.

I think I'm struggling because our relationship dynamic has changed so much. We used to be incredibly close. But when we fell out last year, that opened up a distance between us that has never fixed, and I don't want it fixed because I've realized how I don't like her.

So I'm just getting used to this new relationship with her. Distant but trying to be polite for the sake of DN.

But then she sparks me off. She borrowed money off me a few weeks ago - well sort of conned me into paying for something then announced she couldn't afford to pay me back. At the same time, my DM owed me some money for something I'd bought on her behalf, and she had given that money to DSIs to give to me, which of course she failed to do. Then we were having a family meal together, and DSis starts calling me tight fisted and makes fun of me with my DF, both laughing at me calling me stingy. I lost my cool, told my parents that DSis in fact owed me several hundred pounds, including the money that DM thought she'd paid me, and it turned into a nasty argument in public. My DM was mortified, but did later admit that it wasn't fair that DSis and DF were making fun of me like that.

Reading this, I sound about 14. I'm not, I'm actually 34, and my DSiS is 37!

[TruffleHeart]

SOrry huge X post - the "I can yes" was in response to beardeds question about whether I can see DN when she's with my DM

[Amandahugandkisses]

Also why did you ask your DN about your work achievements and put her in that position? She will pick up on your tone little ones are so astute like this. This is why she is changing towards you. She can sense you hate her mother. She won't be happy with this.

[springydaffs]

My pantomime dame sister is in her 60s!

[TruffleHeart]

Bit naive to call it an attitude problem sorry yes that sounded like I was blaming DN for being cheeky with me. I'm not, I can understand why she does it. It's her DM that has labelled her as having an attitude problem (as well as frequently calling her a little shit).

She's not harming her DN, there is no SS issue, but she's just not parenting her how I would. DN will come to no harm but I just feel sad for times when her DM does nothing with her, or drags her to the pub.

[TruffleHeart]

Also why did you ask your DN about your work achievements and put her in that position It was to do with a subject that DN is really into, and I visited a famous location connected to that subject, so I asked DN "OOh did Mummy tell you about me visiting X last week?" to which she replied "Not really, she just said you were going on about it".

[georgethecat]

Mmmmmm I have a similar thing with my sister so I sympathise I really do.

However, she is very eye rolling about my parenting which makes my skin itch as she isn't a parent.

Ultimately I had to grow the fuck up stop engaging with her drama, not involve others (mum) in petty squabbles.

You don't get on - disengage, don't borrow, don't lend, don't spread negativity, cut down the opportunity for arguments. Rise above & Keep things civil as possible - it will improve things

[brightspark2]

You quizzed DN about her mother - a bit like ex partners are always advised not to do. Emotional abuse by your sister can be reported it is still harming your DN. Personally I think you need to mentally step back from your sister entirely, go NC and only see your DN with your Mum and deliberately not discuss your sister with anyone - let the distance settle in so you obsess less over her behaviour before it becomes even more detrimental to your DN.

[TruffleHeart]

However, she is very eye rolling about my parenting which makes my skin itch as she isn't a parent. Yeah I am very aware that I might come across like that, I'm sure she sees me like that. And I'm sure that pisses her off. I do try not to do it in front of her, I usually rant to DM.

[TruffleHeart]

I'm infertile, which is why I'm so sensitive about how DN is being brought up I suppose.

You're right about going NC or at least cutting back on contact. It actually makes me feel more relaxed just thinking about it. Trouble is, we mix in the same circles so I can't avoid seeing her at times. And when we do, I just go from feeling disgust at her behaviour (drinking, sleeping around and bragging about it) to feeling like an outcast 13 year old when she's giggling with her friends behind my back.

As for not lending her anything - no I won't. But she tricked me into it this time around by letting me pay for everything then 'forgetting' to pay me back. I won't be doing that again.

I need to start taking DN out without DSis, so that she doesn't get to sponge off me and I get time away from her. And I'll try to ignore her narcissistic attention seeking facebook shite. I don't want to hide her because I like to see pics of DN.

[TruffleHeart]

I think at the heart of the issue is that when she monumentally fucked her life up last year, my parents were hysterical and told me I HAD to stand by her. They believed I should stop speaking to all of the people that DSis had stopped speaking to, and I shouldn't socialise with them any more. I refused to do so, particularly when she was a bitch to me and told me she didn't need me. My parents told me I was a bad person for not taking her side. DSiS has never forgiven me.

Since then, I've been desperately hoping that they will see that she is the bad person, and I suppose I've been trying to show them that, but it comes across as moaning to them about her behaviour. It gets nowhere - they defend her, criticize me, and I get more pissed off.

Add to that, DSiS will still occasionally tell me she has never forgiven me for something - then refuse to actually tell me what that is. Incredibly passive aggressive and manipulative. It has impacted on me hugely.

[georgethecat]

Yes I get it - it isn't that easy.

Yes the parenting thing could inflame her and obviously is a trigger for you, so inflames you too!

It's just getting into the habit of not fanning the flames (believe me I fail at this sometimes)

Even though I desperately want to moan about her to family at times - I try not to.

I even have the tendency of being a wind up merchant too - I make concerted effort not to press certain buttons even though tempting.

With your niece she may be caught a little in the middle of your relationship. Maybe others are too?

I work at same place as my sister so also get that same circles thing. But honestly sticking to same rules & rising above really does take the wind out of someone's sails.

It is really hard though!

[TruffleHeart]

Sounds like you've got a good handle on it george - I honestly don't know how I'd cope working in the same place as her!

I think I can manage not to bicker with her most of the time, but I do judge her all of the time and silently seethe at her behaviour. I know this is my problem, not hers, and I really need to get a handle on it. Hiding FB would almost certainly help, but I just can't.

I recently caught her with a man, a stranger who she told me she had only just met, in her home whilst she blocked her DD from entering the house and finding him. I was so fucking furious with her for being so irresponsible, and I was torn between needing to tell my DM so that she could see how irresponsibly she was behaving, and staying out of it. In the end, I waited a few days and it came out in conversation with my DM, which sounded worse because DM just said she wanted to stay out of it and I got frustrated that she wasn't as angry with her as I was.

She regularly drinks and drives - with DN in the car. I really hope that she gets breathalyzed - it would be the shock that she needs.

[georgethecat]

I think you need some distance from family as a whole as your parents are engaged with the drama.

You need a few zen stock phrases to fend off the drama.

'Your sister has stopped speaking to X, you should support her by not speaking to X to'

• 'sorry she has fallen out with X , it's seems as though it's a problem between her & X. I'd prefer to stay out of it - least said soonest mended and all that'
  

Have your responses ready. Don't 'react'

[georgethecat]

Yea in fairness if the kid's at risk I'd find it hard to keep my cool

[georgethecat]

Think you'd be best focussing energy on your relationship with your niece - keep talk about her mum minimal.
She'll have an open door if she needs someone to trust & talk to - sounds as though she definitely will in the coming years.
Drink driving- anonymously alert police.
Niece at risk - anonymously alert SS

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Honestly? You sound very very jealous of your sister. Your neice is her daughter, not yours. You seem to be trying to steal her affections or something. She is always going to love your sister more you know, regardless of her failings as a parent.

[TruffleHeart]

Worrying about her mother drink driving, or her walking in on strange men in her house, or spending too much time in the pub really isn't me trying to steal her affections. It really isn't. And jealous I most certainly am not.

But I know I come across as petty and obsessive - I'm aware of that, hence this thread. Just trying to work through my feelings and understand them so that I can feel better.

[Isetan]

It's like you get a perverse satisfaction from her behaviour and in my opinion, you deliberately involve yourself in situations where you know her behaviour will rile, so you can get off on being riled. The whole dialogue about your employment achievement was an example of an exchange with a tenuous 'reason' at best, you went fishing for a compliment from someone you knew where it wouldn't be forthcoming and shock horror, it wasn't. You shouldn't of put your DN in that position.

At present you've identified your sister as the 'problem' but from what you've written, your whole family sounds dysfunctional and it doesn't appear that you're ready to acknowledge that and your role in that dynamic.

The enabling of your sister by your parents isn't done out of love as you describe, it's done out of fear. Your father's collusion in your sister's mealtime poor treatment of you, was many things but loving wasn't one of them.

I believe you can have a relationship with your DN whilst maintaining limited exposure to your sister but before that can happen, you first have to acknowledge and break the distructive cycle of your engagement with her.

You cannot change your sister or your parents but you are responsible for your role in your family dynamic. It appears you've had a poor education in the importance of boundaries but if you don't learn about them now, your dysfunctional family dynamic will continue to damage you.