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Hate my life but cannot seem to make any changes

(84 Posts)
TicketOutOfHere Fri 09-Sep-16 22:40:43

NC'ed for obvious reasons.

Been together with my DP for 16 years. About 13 years too long. It is a boring relationship and I feel like I am in prison! I so want to make the change and leave, but I feel guilty and scared and worried about the future for myself and my DP.

DP earns far, far less than I do. If I leave him, he will definitely be far worse off than me. He keeps mentioning this and so instead of seeing him suffer I have ended up suffering myself in this tedious relationship. I feel angry that I am in this situation. It is not my fault that DP did not finish school and now has no ambition to go any further in his career and therefore earn the money that would allow him the live the lifestyle he wants. I feel like his mother, his maid, his keeper. I hate it! sad We also have a dog which he loves to death. I feel like we are only together because of the dog. I feel incredibly guilty for even considering breaking up his cosy little lifestyle here. Unfortunately I promised him a few years ago that we’d move to a bigger house and I’d give him a better life, but I just can’t honour that promise because I do not want him! I’ve tried to break it off with him several times, as gently as I can, but he immediately brings up how much his lifestyle will change and how he is not prepared to give up the dog (and yet he says he cannot take the dog with him either as he says he’ll have to move so far out of town as he cannot afford anything nearby and therefore it isn’t fair on dog as he'll have to do lots of commuting which means dog will never see him!). Whenever we have these arguments about breaking up, he brings all these things up which means I then back down (because I just don't want to hurt him) and so we go back to Square One. He keeps saying I promised him a bigger house and now he wants me to deliver.

We have not had sex in several years - at least 6. Our sex life has never been great - mainly because I am not attracted to him. I think I can count the number of times we’ve DTD in all the years we’ve been together on my fingers and toes. He has some weird fetishes which actually put me off him years ago (and as I say, I should have broken this off when I had the chance back in 2003). Don’t get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but I do not believe he is with me because he loves me so much. He is here because it is financially beneficial for him. I have spoilt him by allowing him to live with me for free. Now I cannot get rid of him! angry

I met someone else at work about 8 years ago. I felt an immediate attraction towards him. I don’t know why as he is not my type physically at all. It was such a shock to feel such excitement around another man. I go weak at the knees just thinking about him! blush Anyway, I left that job 3 years later - nothing happened. I think Mr X knew may have had a vague idea about how I felt about him though - I was smitten! blush We’ve kept vaguely in touch over the years and earlier this year we met up a few times after work as he happened to be working very close my office. Those meetings conjured up all my old feelings for him and I really so so so want to take things further. I am so friggen horny and I keep fantasising about just ripping this man’s clothes off and giving him a right old seeing to right there and then! blush grin I cannot help myself. I have really found my MOJO in a very big way. This guy really does not know how much I want him to just fuck me again and again and again and again and I feel so utterly trapped in this godawful situation where I feel I cannot go out and have fun with anyone new. My life is passing me by!!!

What can I do to remove myself from this situation with DP? My best friend, who is a solicitor says I should not under any circumstances move out of my house as DP could just end up squatting in my house and it could take years to remove him. I don’t want too hurt DP. I just wish he’d meet someone else! I have even considered giving DP some money to just move on. But why should I? My money is hard earned, I made many sacrifices to get where I am and I now want to meet someone who is a bit more ambitious and like-minded. Giving DP any money will create serious setbacks for me and my plans. I do not want dependent. I am tired of being the golden goose. This relationship has no affection, no romance or fire. Its just limp and I am here out of duty. If I came home tomorrow and he was just gone I would feel so relieved and so goddamn happy that I had my life back. God I sound awful but I really am not - I just want out of this but I don’t know how without causing a massive upheaval for DP!!!

ImperialBlether Fri 09-Sep-16 22:47:49

What a horrible situation.

I think I would tell him that the relationship's over and he's free to have a relationship with someone else. I'd give him a month's rent and a deposit for a new flat and that would be it.

He's using you financially and you have put your life on hold while he does it. Time to get rid.

ImperialBlether Fri 09-Sep-16 22:48:22

You don't sound awful at all! Just because you start a relationship with someone it doesn't mean you're tied to them for life.

BeMorePanda Fri 09-Sep-16 22:58:15

Op what you want for your own life is absolutely 100% OK and understandable.
Please don't waste any more of your life with this man. His life really isn't your responsibility forever. You can let him go.

Imperials advice is spot on. Do that.

Just imagine, in a few weeks your life can change dramatically for the better.

BeMorePanda Fri 09-Sep-16 22:59:40

Do you feel anyone else is more responsible for your life and happiness? Of course not. Your P is in his own life.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Fri 09-Sep-16 23:01:27

Now I get that you love your dog... I have 3 and love them to bits but I wouldn't sacrifice my sanity and sex life for them!
You owe it to YOURSELF to get out ASAP and have the life YOU deserve. Its not about the fancy bloody house that twat wants!!

Happybunny19 Fri 09-Sep-16 23:01:44

Agree totally with Imperial here, this situation sounds awful and I don't think you should feel guilty at all ending with your DP. I also thought give him just enough to move out and he'll have to pay for himself after that. I really hope your dreams come true with the other guy too, you must be gagging for it after long lol. Good luck x

GoldFishFingerz Fri 09-Sep-16 23:19:26

Just tell him it's over and he needs to leave by the end of the month. You have made up your mind and won't change it.

TicketOutOfHere Fri 09-Sep-16 23:28:48

I am weak and a coward. It sounds so easy when people say "Just tell him it's over". I have tried breaking up with him countless times. But then the argument that ensues makes me feel so guilty and bad for him - as he will be the one that loses the most - that I end up giving in. This has happened so many times over the years that now DP thinks I am just 'crying wolf' when I say i want to break up. I don't want to make him out to be an arsehole because he is not, but he certainly knows how to play on my feelings. He gets upset and starts crying and carrying on about how much a breakup will affect his lifestyle that it does genuinely upset me to see him upset so I end up giving in. And so the vicious circle starts again... This is such an awful situation to be in, I really do not want to hurt DP as I do love him in a way, but I feel his happiness is at my expense. sad

ImperialBlether Fri 09-Sep-16 23:38:56

I think it's time to get angry. He wants you to provide him with a better house? That's appalling. He doesn't do his best to earn more but wants you to? You are really willing to put up with that?

He is a classic cocklodger. Actually he's not classic because a cocklodger usually provides sex.

Honestly, just tell him that you want to end the relationship and he has to leave at the end of September. You might want to make sure you go out a lot so you don't have to look at his sad face. grin

Think of a figure that will enable him to leave. Think what he can afford for his rent. I'd tell him I'd pay double that but be prepared for tripling it. He will take as much money as he can off you, so do limit what you plan to give him.

Shiningexample Fri 09-Sep-16 23:44:21

he's defo not a cocklodger
he's just a common or garden parasite/leech, and he knows just how to play you

Shiningexample Fri 09-Sep-16 23:48:19

could you sell the house and move into a place of your own?

It would be much easier to get out from under his spell if you werent living with him

living with someone means that they have the opportunity to control you by keeping up a constant low level pressure that makes it hard for you to think rationally because you are always upset or angry

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Sep-16 00:12:48

Good idea to sell. Fresh start for everyone. Give him £3K to put towards a deposit and a month's rental, and move away and start again.

WombOfOnesOwn Sat 10-Sep-16 00:22:53

This entire post reads a little oddly to me.

If this was gender swapped, it'd be the script every cheating man has.

"My wife is unambitious and boring, I'm not attracted to her, we haven't had sex for years because I don't find her attractive, I've tried to break things off with her but she's sad and would miss our dog, so I've just stayed. Now I've met some hot sexy thing and want to get it on with them, and until now I've just been surviving but now with this OW I'm really living again!"

So often, these things about partners are lies people tell themselves so they can feel justified in cheating. They concoct a worst-version story of their relationship, all the downs and none of the ups, and use it to get permission to cheat from friends that feel sorry for them. Now, instead of a cheater, they're the hero of their own wonderful romance story.

Me, personally, I think you just want permission for the thing you want to do anyway. Leave him, since that's what you want, but don't pretend it's about your relationship and not about things heating up with a man you've had a crush on for years.

dontwannapullahammie Sat 10-Sep-16 00:24:05

You're going tk have to break up with him because your alternative is to waste the rest of your life with him

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Sep-16 00:28:04

They're not married, Womb. Swings and roundabouts.

Isetan Sat 10-Sep-16 01:07:55

Your inability 'to be the bad guy' stand up for yourself has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you and is something you probably learned before your relationship with your partner.

So how do you get out of this situation, well first you need to understand where you learnt that you weren't worth more. Get your arse to a counsellor (solo) and begin that process.

MarchelineWhatNot Sat 10-Sep-16 01:18:33

I do not believe this thread. I think you are a man. Either way, you can't just dump your partner on the street because you don't want them anymore.

I think you should dip into your savings/take a loan to help them get established.

BlueFolly Sat 10-Sep-16 01:51:28

It's like you're waiting for his permission to be able to split up.

You only get one life.

WombOfOnesOwn Sat 10-Sep-16 04:11:28

Marcheline: Yes, exactly, to me this poster sounds like a man deliberately gender swapping a story to be able to say "well, women said it was fine when I told it this way, permission to cheat and kick out my partner granted!"

TicketOutOfHere Sat 10-Sep-16 09:16:06

Hello everyone,

Thanks to some for all the helpful messages.

Just a few things I’d like to pick up on.

WombOfOnesOwn / MarchelineWhatNot - It appears you cannot comprehend what you’re reading so let me break it down for you.

1. I am a WOMAN
2. My DP is a MAN
3. Alien concept in your world it seems, but yes, I am the breadwinner in my household - by far! I earn substantially more then my DP. That is the truth, like it or lump it.
4. I am NOT asking for anyone’s ‘permission’ to cheat. Where the hell did you get that idea from? I certainly do not need YOUR approval.
5. The other man in the picture is simply a distraction. My issue with DP started long before man number 2 even happened on the scene.
6. I have a genuine agonising problem, as stated above. I feel like I am living life in a ground-hog day scenario, I try to move things forward, but then break down and ‘accept’ the status quo for a little longer… just until the next time I feel I cannot stand the situation any longer and I try to tell DP how I feel.
7. At the risk of drip feeding - and I apologise if I am - but having throught about it a little more now that I’ve seen my words written down, I believe another pertinent point to mention is that sadly DP suffers from severe depression. This has had a devastating effect on us as a couple and on him, of course. I care very deeply for him. There is no disputing that. But I do not want to be his partner. At the same time I am worried about how this break up will affect him (he has been suicidal in the past) and I would absolutely never forgive myself if anything happened to him as a result of my ‘rejecting’ him.
8. Quite frankly, I do not give a shit what you believe. But this thread is a genuine and honest request for help. If you are going to come up with your own little ‘theories’ then I’d ask you to please remove yourself from this discussion, your input is not welcome and not needed.

Isetan - Your post was difficult to read, but I think you are right. Why can I not extract myself from a situation I don’t like? It is all about me and my attitude toward myself and not him. I have thought about trying therapy, just been too apprehensive to give it a go. There are things in my childhood which are likely to have caused this behaviour and TBH I’d never thought about it until you raised it. Thank you.

ImperialBlether, Shiningexample and others, thank you so much for your input. Moving house has been one option I’ve thought about. That solution would just feel like I am running away. It’s a drastic step. I think the underlying issue, as Shining mentions, is that this situation seems to have some control over me and I cannot bring myself to break my recurring breakup-makeup behaviour. I really, really do feel trapped.

Msqueen33 Sat 10-Sep-16 09:25:47

Do you have children? If not I wouldn't stay in this situation. You don't love him and it's not working. Why would you stay? Depression is obviously horrible but if you're not happy and not in love with him I don't think I'd feel guilty or want to sacrifice myself and my life by staying. Eventually it'll end up destroying you.

doji Sat 10-Sep-16 09:30:37

I think the gender issue is a complete red herring. She isn't cheating, they have no dependents (ignoring the dog), and aren't married. Why would anyone give a man shit for ending a relationship this crap?

OP - go see a solicitor and get advice about getting him to leave. If he's been contributing to the mortgage etc, he may have an interest in your house and you'll need to buy him out. They can also advise on legally evicting him giving notice in writing etc. If he doesn't leave on the date, you'll then have legal recourse to get him out. In the meantime you'll have a month of sad face to deal with, but that short term pain is worth your freedom, honest. Just repeat "I'm sorry this isn't working for me you need to leave" until he gets it.

PuffPastry314 Sat 10-Sep-16 09:30:47

You poor thing. This will be a short post, but I left my x with nothing, no savings, no qualifications, nothing just a ruck sack, and £30 ykwim. He had everything. So Freedom is priceless and your life is not a sacrifice to this guy's convenience. He may not be all bad but doesn't make you obligated to see the good never mind stay with him for decades.

Yayme Sat 10-Sep-16 09:36:11

I think you need to decide precisely what you want to do (ie end the relationship?) and then make a firm plan about how you are going to do it.

Plan strategies for what you are going to do when he cries/begs/
threatens and stick to them.

Have a timescale for when he has to move out. You have no obligation to set him up in a new place and I personally wouldn't but being generous might take some of the guilt away.

Can you talk to a counsellor/therapist about how you might do this?

If you are determined to finish it and are absolutely sure, then ending a relationship when you are not married, with no children and no joint mortgage is quite straight forward.

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