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Petty gripes?

(16 Posts)
Neverbeenhere Fri 09-Sep-16 22:04:55

Bit of a long relationship post mortem. And maybe some regrets it's over. Heard something brought back good memories.

Some things are big but I'm wondering if they could be worked on ( posted at length, would rather not rehash).

And anyway I'm trying to gauge if we had more general problems. Examples

After a few years together, I one found some photos of his ex who he had lived with in his box of bits and pieces - he had it out as we had sentimental holiday things put away in it. It was just after a row over moving in together. He had changed his mind after several years of talking about it. So the photos upset me. I was young. I realised soon after I should respect his memories etc. But at the time he said he'd throw them away. Several years later, living together, I was searching for cigarettes (genuinely) while he was out. Found photos in his briefcase. I was really upset. No apology.

Another occasion several years on I looked through this email. A lot of his friends (30 somethings) were going to strip clubs at the time and while I trusted that he didn't I was curious about what these group lad emails planning night out out were like. Yep I was snooping. Didn't find much except an email to a friend - both senior management same organisation - my husband was talking about recruiting staff and how he was hoping to hire another good looking female. It was all a bit laddish. Friend warning him off at messing around in work. I was sickened but never mentioned it as I'd been snooping.

Another issue from that. i strongly disagree with strip clubs, lapdancing etc. As does he. He has only gone when he has felt he has to, like close friends stag dos. If you actually disagree you don't go at all do you?

These are all small incidents over years. Throw in a bit of flirting when drunk with other women. Very mild flirting.

Ignoring the obvious trust issues in my part, are these incidents which would bother you in a LTR?

Some a long time ago but still while we were in LTR or married.

In themselves - would these have been things that mattered to you. I think they did to me but had no self esteem. Which equally could mean I'm remembering feelings that were disproportionate.

If you have humoured me with reading this thank you. If your reaction is that it all sounds silly, I understand. I already feel silly posting trivial things.

ftmsoon Fri 09-Sep-16 22:13:01

I think you need to move on. I mean it nicely, but digging these memories over is painful and won't achieve anything.

Neverbeenhere Fri 09-Sep-16 22:19:25

I'm sure you are right. I'm trying to figure if what we had before recent years is worth trying to get back to. I'm not actually annoyed at these memories as in bearing grudges.
But maybe I need to give it up. Thanks.

ftmsoon Fri 09-Sep-16 22:22:32

You've broken up for a reason, hold on to that. Remembering the good is nice bit not a reason to get back together.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 09-Sep-16 22:26:21

Why look back? Start looking forward.......

Neverbeenhere Fri 09-Sep-16 22:34:15

In case it could be repaired?

MagicalHamSandwich Fri 09-Sep-16 22:45:21

What you're doing is normal to a degree. I've certainly been at the post-mortem stage with most of my exes - exH in particular.

At the end of the day, though, it doesn't really make a difference if these things would have mattered to me or anyone else on MN or not, though - they obviously did to you and that's that. As ftmsoon says, you broke up for a reason, and IME this 'reason' in many cases tends to be the culmination of many little annoyances rather than one huge deal-breaker.

I disagree that you should stubbornly look forward at any cost - indulging in what you're doing can be a part of your healing process and can be helpful in eventually getting to a point where you're emotionally ready to move on. That having been said, I totally do agree that moving on is the end goal here, and once your dissecting starts interfering with you getting there it's no longer helping.

Thinking that 'it could be repaired' is also completely normal, BTW. I seriously considered getting back together with exH, whom I had left because I no longer loved him, for heaven's sake! Breaking up is scary and exposes you to a type of uncertainty that you get completely unaccustomed to while in a long term relationship. And that's normal, too, I'm afraid.

FWIW, it really does get better!

GinBunny Fri 09-Sep-16 22:49:26

My marriage has just broken up and I've been having the same thoughts as you in terms of looking back over what I thought were petty niggles but turned out to be terminal niggles to him. Especially the flirting. But the flirting is just that until someone reciprocates, which is what ended my marriage. On that point alone I don't think you should go back.

Neverbeenhere Fri 09-Sep-16 22:57:16

Thank you. I don't feel so foolish.

it doesn't really make a difference if these things would have mattered to me or anyone else on MN or not, though - they obviously did to you and that's that

I have no idea how I feel but I know you are right, I need to work out my own feelings.

I think I am moving forward even though I have doubts. Difficult to stop thinking!

Neverbeenhere Sat 10-Sep-16 09:50:45

I'm embarrassed by the detail of the opening post now. I was trying to force myself to be realistic about what we had. Because it feels like it was happy for so many years. But it's impossible to analyse in hindsight.

I still wonder though, why is there no room for maybe having made a mistake. Seems like it's dismissed out of hand.

Is the assumption that when a relationship has ended it's always the right decision because you have got that far?

category12 Sat 10-Sep-16 10:02:23

Who would be doing the working on them?

Neverbeenhere Sat 10-Sep-16 10:23:44

Haven't got that far. Both would be both of us.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 10-Sep-16 10:32:01

No, sometimes it's a mistake and it's good to reevaluate. Some things can be saved.

It doesn't look like this was saveable.

Neverbeenhere Sat 10-Sep-16 10:55:37

Thanks for reading.
No, perhaps not.

category12 Sat 10-Sep-16 11:24:27

Tbh, it looks like there's a lot of dishonesty on his part - agreeing to things but not following through, 'humouring' you, that sort of thing - so I wouldn't have a lot of faith in his ability to work on things rather than simply talking a good game.

You say you have trust issues - personally I hate that expression, when it's coupled with the fact that he's let you down/been untrustworthy. You don't have trust issues, you had untrustworthy partner issues.

If you go on to never trust anyone again and to treat people who behave well with suspicion, then you have trust issues.

Neverbeenhere Sat 10-Sep-16 12:25:02

Thanks for your opinion. No it's not really a solid foundation to try and overcome bigger issues. Which is what I thought.

Just exhausting every aspect of can I fix it.

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