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Can you be truly happy in a relationship if you aren't happy in yourself?

(8 Posts)
Ellarose85 Fri 09-Sep-16 19:24:41

Just this really, my DH is wonderful and does so much for our family. We've had rough patches but always come out the other side.

My problem is that I have deep issues in myself, mainly being that I feel that people will always leave me and I make people/situations miserable. I'm sure this all stems back to childhood as my mum and dad have both left me at times for new partners.

I can't help but thinking my DP is only with me because of the DCs and that I make him miserable, no matter how much he reassures me, my gut tells me otherwise and I think he is going to leave me.

It's making me (and no doubt DH) miserable, does anyone have any advice if they have been in a similar situation?

pallasathena Fri 09-Sep-16 19:28:39

Look up imposter syndrome. Additionally, you need to practise self love and manage your anxiety through either counselling or self-help strategies and you need to do it now (before what you're going through becomes a self fulfilling prophecy).

Tarttlet Fri 09-Sep-16 23:15:48

Have you had any form of therapy at all, OP?

BadRespawn Sat 10-Sep-16 06:58:03

To be honest, I could have written your post myself OP. My situation is slightly different - for many years my mother was something of an emotional car-crash, lurching from one failed relationship to the next (eventually moving overseas) and this meant that I had to move back in with my fully-bachelor-mode father, who I couldn't help but feel (at the time) resented the burden of having to look after me again. The net result was the same; I now realise that basically I sat waiting to be abandoned in all of my adult relationships. I would act up through insecurity, or a desire to put distance between myself and those that I cared about before the 'inevitable' happened; it was almost a form of 'gaining the offensive' in my mind, or testing loyalty. I am ashamed to say that I probably made my DW very unhappy at points over the last ten years. I don't think she would say I was a monster, just standoffish and inflexible due to constant low-level background anxiety that I didn't acknowledge - somehow admitting to it gave it a substance that I couldn't face. The unfortunate thing for me is that I am reasonably emotionally perceptive in other ways, so I felt that I 'didn't have an issue' and would flatly refuse counselling as an admission of failure/weakness (bad idea, I know).

To this point, I still haven't had any professional help, although I've no doubt that it would help and would definitely seek it out in the future if I felt myself slipping again. It sounds trite, but two things have helped me to heal; forgiveness is the first, mostly to my mother who I was harbouring anger towards over being left. She has/had her own issues at the time, and her own reasons, and I know that she feels remorse over the decision. I have let it go, for my own sanity and our relationship has improved for it. The second thing has been starting my own family. Somehow this has forced me to confront the demons of my own unhappy upbringing. I could not bear to repeat the cycle of loss and dysfunction for my own children, it is not a fate that I would wish on my worst enemy. I don't know what practical advice I can offer, as all my realisations have been spontaneous and hard-won, and perhaps too long in arriving. There was no official structure, no 'moment of clarity' in a counselling session. I would say, however, that regardless of how sad and frightening it may seem, the only way forwards is backwards. You need to revisit your feelings of abandonment honestly and fully, perhaps with the assistance of a sympathetic therapist, in order to begin to process them. It has broken my heart sometimes to see how much I had closed myself off without intending to, but accepting it, and my past, has begun to give me the peace that I have spent my entire adult life searching for. My sincere best wishes to you, OP. If nothing else, I can honestly say that I understand how you are feeling.

IreallyKNOWiamright Sat 10-Sep-16 19:34:37

Op I've gone through similar. I have lots of friends and a lovely dh and dd but I just don't like myself. I think why do people want to hang out with me when I can be such a miserable cow sometimes (pain related). I've had counselling but in the end I know I have to accept what I cannot change.
The more I think about it though the worse it gets. It's taking me a long time to re wire my thinking to thinking good things about myself.
Perhaps you could start writing a journal each morning and write 5 things that are positive about 'you'. You might then realise after a few weeks you are thinking differently

maggiethemagpie Sat 10-Sep-16 23:49:46

Get some therapy. Better than counselling. Proper, deep, psychotherapy.

YetAnotherGuy Sun 11-Sep-16 00:23:59

Good advice here. I can recommend the self-help approach

Write down good things, however small - like a coffee, a robin singing, chat with a DC, a TV programme. Start with 5 things each day. Then build up to 10. Then 10 things - with 5 involving the family, 5 other stuff. And so on

In this book you could write down your rating of each day on a scale of 1 to 10. Write down what you expect (when you wake up), and what it was like (before you go go to bed). You may find that days turn out better than you expect

Try meditation

And just think - have you ever been wrong about anything? If so, perhaps you're wrong about your view of yourself. Your DH obviously thinks so. Perhaps he's right

BrieAndChilli Sun 11-Sep-16 00:29:22

I feel like this although I've recently had a break through and realised that DH is the only person my entire life who hasn't abandoned me
I was put into foster care age 5, then adopted into a different family age 6 so although wasn't abandoned still 'lost' my entire known world.
My adoptive mum then abandoned us for a year while she had an affair, we would see her once a week when she came home to get clean clothes etc.
My parents then split and my dad went to Germany to start a new life
Age 16 my mum then sent me to boarding school as she and I didn't get on. We are now NC
Everyone who was supposed to love me and always be there for me left so I think deep down I am terrified of being left again and being completely alone. Most people still have family to rely on when a relationship breaks up but I would have no one apart from the kids which makes the prospect terrifying!

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