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Found him messaging other women again..... advice needed!

(41 Posts)
Hurtandconfused6537 Fri 09-Sep-16 18:40:17

I actually dont know where to start.

Been together 4 and a half years. At first it was truly amazing, he was the best partner and I actually felt like the luckiest person alive.
I discovered early on that he dabbled in cocaine when out with the lads and I didnt really like this, I admit I was full on at wanting him to stop and gave him a lot of aggro about it. He developed a cocaine addiction and started using daily and this continued for over a year (lies/arguements/money problems) and he decided to leave me fathers day 2015.

He had a crazy summer of sleeping around, doing drugs and general partying before he hit rock bottom and came of the drugs and I am so proud of him for doing so. We were in contact and I was heartbroken and eventually he came back.

Since we have been back together I have found out numerous times he has been joining tinder and messaging other girls or messaging girls on social media. He left me for one of the girls but came back 3 weeks later, Id love to go into full details but the post would be too long.

Everytime I find out I am in floods of tears and he says he does it because of many reasons.. he craves the excitement, I dont talk to him properly, I am not there emotionally and he is bored.

I really try to be there, we are both skint so cant get out much and I think this is a problem. Sex used to be great but he calls me fat in virtually every argument and now its affecting me, the other day I had to stop him after 5 minutes because I was so panicked about my belly being out. I do wonder if my weight is the reason why he cheats and texts these other girls but when we arent arguing he says its not and he loves and fancies me.

We had an amazing day last sunday and then I found out he that when i was asleep he was texting 2 girls at 3am, he will lay on all compliments to them and say hes single, it really makes me feel sick. He promised never again but then yesterday I came home and asked to use his phone to make a call and he started being all cagey with it. Obviously then I wanted to see it more and a hge row followed where he blamed me and said i never show no trust and I was like a smack head wanting his phone. I knew then he had messaged someone so I persisted and finally he admitted he had downloaded tinder while i was out and exchanged numbers with a girl. Apparently he needs someone to talk to and he wont
meet with them because he truly loves and want me.

I just wanted to see if there was anyone who had been through a similar situation with any advise? I know its hard for him at the minute, we are skint and living on my income only and hes very down because he is out of work, he had an interview the other day and was rejected which must be soul destroying but this is killing me too. I really love him and cling to those early first years.

I wish i could understand fully why he does this. He seems to blame me all the time although he admits what he does is wrong.

chipsandpeas Fri 09-Sep-16 18:42:21

ltb he wont ever change

debbs77 Fri 09-Sep-16 18:43:56

Have some self respect and leave him! Why on earth are you with him!!!!

MuttsNutts Fri 09-Sep-16 18:44:26

He won't ever change.

Either find the courage and self-worth to leave him or cling onto the dream of what you hoped the relationship would be and waste your life on this man.

Your choice.

Madbengalmum Fri 09-Sep-16 18:45:05

If it was me he wouldnt be getting any more chances. Sounds like he wont change.

ElspethFlashman Fri 09-Sep-16 18:45:50


All this guy has to do is treat you like shit, cheat on you and make you miserable.......and you'll love him forever.

Where did such unbelievably low standards for yourself come from??.

PlasticBagMillionaire Fri 09-Sep-16 18:54:16

Yes, my XH was a serial cheat and exhibited much of the behaviour you describe (cocaine habit, name calling, blaming me, etc.). I put up with it for 13 years before something inside me just snapped when yet another woman called me saying she had slept with him in a hotel the night previously.

I tried to leave a few times but he would lay it on thick about how much he loved me and our DC, how much we meant to him, promised he'd never do it again. And I so wanted to believe him because I totally loved him.

It's been three years since I left and honestly, genuinely, I have no idea why I stayed with him now. I think it's just that I couldn't stand the pain of separation but in the end, the relationship caused more heartache than a breakup did.

I met a new guy a year after our split and he treats me so well, he would literally do anything for me and whilst I know there's no way to be 100% sure that your partner won't cheat, I trust my BF implicitly, something I never thought possible after XH.

Op, you need to leave. It will be hard but it will be so worth it. Cheaters like my XH and your DP (that is the calculated type rather than the one off accidental type) never change. I took more heartache than was worth it for me to learn that lesson. The only thing worse than wasting 4 years on a man like this is wasting 4 years and a day. Don't let him take any more of your self respect away from you.

Cary2012 Fri 09-Sep-16 19:13:36

I read down to the repeatedly calls you fat bit, and had read enough OP.

Your self esteem is in your boots, haul it up and get out of this horrible abusive relationship.

Morasssassafras Fri 09-Sep-16 19:19:24

Why do you not think you are worth more than this?

Hurtandconfused6537 Fri 09-Sep-16 19:19:58

He never used to be such a womaniser though. Hes 30 and this started last year. I suppose I feel like he must be unhappy to keep doing it and I just dont know how I can make him happy.
We cant have a fresh start because whenever he feels down/bored or whatever he looks in other places. I really think my weight is also a issue, I have put a few stone on and Im not at all like the slim/heavily made up girls he seems to talk to and its a catch 22 situation because that makes me feel insecure and this shows when he tries to get close. Im only comfortable when its extremely dark.
I am dieting now and hopefully this will make an impact.

I desperately dont want to give up, I keep saying he must still love me otherwise why is he here

onecrazycook Fri 09-Sep-16 19:23:00

Every man who cheats never takes responsibility oldie it and tried to deflect the blame onto their wife or girlfriend. It's always your fault, never theirs.

I think by posting this you already know the answer. Kick him to the kerb before he destroys the little respect for yourself you do have and work on realising this is not your fault and that you deserve better. Best of luck and much love to you xxx

PepsiPenguin Fri 09-Sep-16 19:24:33

Your partner ( I refuse to call him DP because quite frankly there is nothing dear about him AT all) is a narcissist.

He will ALWAYS treat you like utter shit

-He was pretending to be nice in the beginning as if he showed his true colours early on - you wouldn't stay around
- he more than likely did cocaine a lot more than you realised and then you found out as it turned into full blown addiction, where his mask well and truly slipped and it treated you like shit for over a year
-since you have been back together, he's been sleeping around, talking to other woman putting you at risk of god knows what STD and treating you like shit
- you had a nice day, he still treated you like shit
- you support him fully financially and enable him to treat you like shit.

Many people loose their jobs and have to find other work and be rejected over and over again - it is hard, some may find it soul destroying they don't go onto tinder and fuck other woman because of it.

And then to top it all off, he blames YOU for his disgusting behaviour.

He doesn't love you, not even a little bit.


And Google: The Grey Rock method, read about how to leave a narcissist and what it is like to be in a relationship with a narcissist.

Sorry if that all sounds harsh but you need to wake up and accept NOBODY should be treated like this and you can do so so much better.

WorkingBling Fri 09-Sep-16 19:25:09

Mem don't cheat because their partners are doing something wrong. Your relationship is clearly not working. I'm sorry to say this but it's true. You seem to think it's your fault. And it's not. If he loves you, he wouldn't be accusing you of ridiculous things or cheating on you with other women.

usernoidea Fri 09-Sep-16 19:28:37

Have you re read your post op?! You're making so many excuses for him and you're doing all the changing to adapt to his arseholeness, it's like you're addicted to him
You can make him happy by getting the fuck out of there - he sounds like a nightmare who totally doesn't deserve you. Please don't put yourself through this X

MudCity Fri 09-Sep-16 19:31:01

This is really appalling.

Believe me, whatever you do he won't change. You are not doing anything wrong AT ALL so you don't need to change. He does.

Your self-esteem must be rock bottom. Please speak to your friends and family, listen to what they tell you and start a new life for yourself. You can do it.

You do not deserve this and he will never respect you while you sit there and take it. This will only drag you down and make you feel worthless. If you feel worthless now, how do you think you are going to feel in five years or ten years time?

It is very unlike me to encourage anyone to leave a relationship without advising them to try and work things out, but in this case, please respect yourself and find someone who values you. He doesn't and he never will.

Please listen to the advice you receive on here.

flumplet Fri 09-Sep-16 19:32:48

He's a waster and you get my first ever LTB. I think you know this is the answer.

bloodymaria Fri 09-Sep-16 19:35:06

why is he here

Because you're subsidising his lifestyle?

Cary2012 Fri 09-Sep-16 19:35:50

Don't diet to please him, if you diet do it for you.

Listen to the advice OP, he's a waster.

Hurtandconfused6537 Fri 09-Sep-16 19:36:32

Thank you for all your replies, i have no one to talk to in RL and all i do is cry
I suppose I was hoping for someone who had been through it to share a positive outcome.

Its so hard, always thought I was stronger than this

Cary2012 Fri 09-Sep-16 19:39:15

There is a positive outcome lovely, but it involves you leaving him. You can do it xx

GiddyOnZackHunt Fri 09-Sep-16 19:41:32

You've been 'together' on and off for 4 years. And during that time he has variously been addicted to cocaine, messaged (and probably shagged) other women, lived off you and slagged you off as not good enough.
This is not a relationship.
He's using you.
You need to accept this.

WellErrr Fri 09-Sep-16 19:46:44

I suppose I feel like he must be unhappy to keep doing it and I just dont know how I can make him happy.


He's not unhappy.

It's not your fault he's doing this.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing and he KNOWS that it will hurt you. He just doesn't care.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS NASTY FUCKER. That would be a REALLY positive outcome.

flowers for you lovely as it is so hard, I know. Especially when he's eroded your self esteem as much as he has. But you really need to drop this twat.

aliceinwanderland Fri 09-Sep-16 19:47:28

Sorry OP. He's not actually in this relationship with you at all. He's simply taking what he can from you and what he wants elsewhere.

Your weight has nothing to do with his playing away.

You're young and there are lots of men who wont take advantage of you like this.

Give him the boot.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 09-Sep-16 19:47:51

Hi OP, just wanted to say, that 'used to be's, don't count anymore.
We're talking about now, and all of your tomorrows.
You say you desperately, don't want to give up, and that is the reason that he is still there, being his very unpleasant self, because he can sense your desperation.
My words are harsh, because I don't want you to end up broken.
You cannot kiss if better OP, wake up, and value yourself.

Mummydummy Fri 09-Sep-16 19:54:39

Come on OP! Really, is this the life you dreamt of? Being blamed and shamed by someone who hasn't got an ounce of respect and worthiness. He's weak, unkind, cheap, nasty and faithless. And he is poisoning your mind by making you think its your fault. He will never change and every moment you stay is a moment you could have spent being happy.

Please, please get out now. Get support from friends and family and get out. You deserve much better.

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