Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feel let down by my friend

(11 Posts)
PamelaFlitton31 Fri 09-Sep-16 15:21:41

I have recently (very recently - moved out a week ago) split up with my partner of 4 years. There were difficulties on both sides but the final straw for me was finding out about the OW. (Described in another thread).
It's all still very new and raw - I'm trying to settle in to my new place as well as processing what has happened in the relationship - I didn't want it to end & probably stayed longer than I should have done.

I have known my BF for over 30 years. We don't live near each other but try to meet up at least once a year. We stay in touch in a variety of ways - at the moment it tends to be by FB messenger with the odd phone call when we can.

She has been married over 20 years and as far as I know they are very happy and both lovely people. I'm close to their children.
As we've known each other for so long inevitably she has been with me through a number of ups and downs in my various relationships.
She (they) liked my recent ex a lot and we went on holiday together last year.

The reason I'm feeling a bit let down (& don't know if I'm being over sensitive given my current fragile emotional state) is because since I told her about the split (about 4 weeks ago I think) she has barely been in touch with me. A few (2?) messages and that's it.

I'm wondering if she thinks this is just another relationship disaster of which there have been several over the last 30 years. And in some ways it is - except I actually thought this one was going to last. I'm very sad and could do with people to talk to but she doesn't seem to be offering an ear or a shoulder.

She could have her own stuff going on - I know that. Perhaps the answer is to ask her but I suppose I'm a bit worried about what she'll say.
I think this has also made me realise that I don't have lots of friends these days - my life has been about my partner & family on the whole for 4 years.

CalmYaTits Fri 09-Sep-16 15:30:35

I think your being overly sensitive sorry! Unless she's actually ignoring your messages she hadn't really done anything wrong. How would you like her to react regarding your break up?

PamelaFlitton31 Fri 09-Sep-16 15:34:14

No that's fine Calm - that's what I want to know!

I suppose I'd like a bit more opportunity to chat to her about it - she doesn't seem particularly interested. But maybe I should just suggest we have a chat on the phone - rather than just worrying and being upset about it.

AnnaMarlowe Fri 09-Sep-16 15:36:17

How much would she normally be in touch if everything was going well?

It may just be that she has her own stuff going on. Even people in happy marriages with lovely children can't always be relied on to have the emotional bandwidth to cope with other people's stuff as well as their own.

If you need support/what a chat you have to ask. She isn't a mind reader, as much as I'm sure she cares anout you.

PamelaFlitton31 Fri 09-Sep-16 15:41:46

I agree Anna about her not being a mind reader - perhaps I am expecting too much - I think that might be a theme for me.

Under 'normal' circumstances we'd probably have a bit less contact than now.

I'm willing to accept I'm being ridiculous. I'm finding it difficult to think straight at the moment. My anxiety levels are sky high and I'm probably reading too much in to everything.

tigermoll Fri 09-Sep-16 16:04:38

Are you contacting her and being rebuffed? Or is it that she's sent a few messages, and you haven't taken your cue to confide in her so she thinks you don't want to discuss it?

It sounds like you think that she ought to be chasing after you and trying to draw out your emotional state (which is a tiny bit teenage, I reckon). Whereas she may feel that if you wanted to have a heart-to-heart, you would.

When she sent the (2) messages, presumably she asked how you were. Did you say 'oh fine, I guess', or did you say 'I'm feeling really down about my relationship ending and being cheated on'? If you don't show her that you want to talk about it, she might be just respecting your signals and not bringing it up.

SunsetOnTheHorizon Fri 09-Sep-16 16:08:50

Sorry to hear about your breakup. Seems like you are going through a range of emotions.

Spend some time alone perhaps and do things make you happy, and rather than waiting for your friend to ask you to open up... why dont you suggest a coffee or something. Give you a chance to chat to her.

At shitty times like these the more we offload the better we feel.

Time is great healer. U deserve loads better. Not a two timer.

PamelaFlitton31 Fri 09-Sep-16 16:15:21

Thanks for replies - am suddenly tied up with work shock but will reply later / tomorrow.

Mummydummy Fri 09-Sep-16 18:22:40

I'm so sorry Pamela. Unfortunately when splits happen you really do find out who your true friends are, and some people tied up for good reason I'm sure with their busy domestic lives, just don't realise how much their support means to you at such a terrible time. I was so astonished by the kindness of some of my friends, however busy they were they really found time to look out for me. Some called me or came round late at night as I fell into despair. and some people who were just acquaintances became really good friends as a result of their depth of kindness. I think you could expect more from your BF personally.

Sadly, some people don't realise if they've not been in those shoes themselves. One friend I did think I was close to heard the news and didn't contact me at all for more than a month. Then when she found herself in the same circumstances moaned to me about how unsupportive people were.... Hmmm.

MatildaTheCat Fri 09-Sep-16 18:32:36

This almost exact thing happened to a good friend of mine except she lived near to her friend. She was even godmother to the friends's daughter. When she broke up with her partner the friend didn't call for ages. When she queried this and said she felt hurt the friend said she couldn't stand going through yet another breaking up saga confused. So she told her she wished very much that she had had the food fortune to meet and marry Mr Right and have DC and a lovely home but sadly it just never happened for her.

That was it. They've never spoken again. Really sad.

YANBU, she is being very unkind. How bloody hard is it to send a few supportive messages or a couple of calls even?

PamelaFlitton31 Fri 09-Sep-16 22:17:30

Thanks everyone.

I do think I'm being over sensitive. But I also think that's possibly understandable under the circumstances.

I've sent her some longish messages about what's happening & have got some fairly perfunctory replies.
I'm worried that either she's sick of my relationship disasters or there's something going on in her life that I don't know about.

I'm going to send her a message tonight asking how she is and not focusing on my own troubles & see how that goes.

I have wondered if she has forgotten the painful nature of these sort of situations. I guess you do forget after a while. I think I had until 6 weeks ago sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now