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MH affecting relationship - help pls

(9 Posts)
Pimfree Fri 09-Sep-16 08:50:17

Just that really. I've fairly recently experienced my second bout of pretty severe depression. The first was put down to work stress and this time I've also been under a lot of stress with work and other things but for some reason this time my negative chatter has focussed on my relationship and I've really withdrawn from my partner and feel so empty of feelings which makes me think I need to leave.

For background, we've been together for several years, engaged but due to this latest episode have had to postpone the wedding.

I am going round in circles trying to decide if the depression is an illness that's causing these negative thoughts or if there is a real problem and the depression is because deep down I'm deeply unhappy.

The thing is I wasn't unhappy before - or at least I don't think I was? I'm just so confused and hate how badly my thinking is impaired and how numb I feel. My poor partner told me he feels like I'm picking him apart and like he's now having to prove himself to be worthy. I'm so upset that I'm behaving this way.

I was on medication the last time but trying to avoid going back on it this time as I did gain a lot of weight when on it before so trying to look after myself but I'm so lost and worried I will always feel this way.

Is it even possible to become severely depressed because of a relationship? When there is nothing abusive or bad about the relationship, maybe just nice guy but not right for me? I can't trust my thinking because I'm so anxious an irrational just now.

Surely if I was not in the right relationship I wouldn't suffer so badly with this severe a case of depression and anxiety?

Any encouragement or experience would be so appreciated, I'm drowning in a sea of confused thoughts and so sad. I hate feeling like this, everything is empty and I wake early every day with that horrible anxiety and it feels like it's eating me up inside and I'll never get back to how I used to be

gamerchick Fri 09-Sep-16 09:01:15

Ah you poor thing your head is properly done in isn't it? flowers

Firstly I think you should see your doctor to get your anxiety under control. I just take beta blockers for mine and found I didn't need ADs would that be an option. I haven't gained weight on them.

Then once that is been handled you can address your relationship. If your not sure then maybe some time apart might help. You can't go on the way you are though it's not fair to both of you.

Pimfree Fri 09-Sep-16 19:06:14

Thanks gamer.

I'm just so confused - is it my MH making me feel like I'm not happy or am I unhappy and that's causing MH problems.

I think the idea of having a break is a good one - very scary when I'm concious that I could make poor choices while I'm feeling this overwhelmed.

Has anyone else experienced a loss of love and affectionate feelings towards OH while struggling with low mood and anxiety?

Morasssassafras Fri 09-Sep-16 19:16:57

I have indeed felt low and anxious as well as the sense of loss of love and affection towards him but for me it turned out he was abusive and at the root of it all.

Can you tell us some of your negative thoughts, it might help to clarify whether it's the relationship or mh problems at the root of your feelings.

Pimfree Fri 09-Sep-16 20:07:32

I get anxious when making decisions - so the marriage thing has been hard as it seems so big and forever.

I can't say I have any major anxieties about how we live - just a general anxiety about making the wrong choice and picking wrong husband.

I wasn't brought up with a great example of a happy marriage and as such I just feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to look for - and things might be good but what if that's not enough. I worry that we'll run out of conversation and also when I'm anxious I see all his faults and can't see the good bits anymore.

I also have attached some very negative feelings to our relationship - my first bought of depression came around the same time as we had made some changes to our relationship and not this second bought is around marriage talk so I worry that it's not MH problem but just a gut instinct telling me this is wrong and my body is reacting severely at the thought of making this mistake.

I sound like such a self pitying wanker but I promise I'm not - I'm usually a good coper but not right now - atm everything is overwhelming me and I can't get my mind in order. How do I know what's right for me?

Tarttlet Fri 09-Sep-16 21:06:12

This does sound like anxiety to me. I've had similar and it wasn't really about my relationship - it had just latched on to it. If you can, try and get CBT through your GP to help unpick/challenge negative thoughts. In the meantime, check out - I've found it really useful, and it should help you to stop obsessing over the accuracy of your thoughts/feelings. Sheryl also writes particularly about anxiety related to/brought on by engagement, which you might find useful.

Meloncoley2 Fri 09-Sep-16 21:13:18

Have you thought about counselling OP? it sounds as if these thoughts are going round and round in your head.

Morasssassafras Fri 09-Sep-16 21:15:11

One thing life, and therapy, has taught me is that I should listen to my gut. It's there for a reason.

You can say I'm not ready for marriage yet. It is allowed. If he can't accept that then I'd guess your gut was right.

You should go and have cbt though, you can often self refer and bypass your gp by web searching for your town cbt self refer.

Pimfree Sat 10-Sep-16 09:52:52

Tart - I feel very much that my anxiety has latched onto my relationship. Before the wedding talk I didn't really spend much time questioning my relationship - as an anxious person I have at times but I think this is normal enough to occasionally evaluate the direction of your relationship etc.

This time it's so different - I'm fighting thoughts everyday that my relationship is making me ill and looking at all the negative traits in my partner. It's so mean.

I am seeking therapy as I can't control these thoughts anymore. I wish I had someone I could speak honestly that knew me and my OH and get their reassurance but what would be the point? I need to find my own way and feel content in my relationship but the talk of marriage has made me face all this and I just don't think I can cope with that pressure. I sound like a silly teenager but I'm not - I'm very much an adult who should be more wise than this.

I just feel like a failure - everyone else is happy and seems to know the basics of making good choices and doesn't do this to themselves. If i can't break the destructive cycle and accept that sometimes we just don't know the outcome and have to take a leap of faith then I'll never recover from this.

It's not like there are major red flags in the relationship - but even writing this that little negative voice chimes in saying 'but what if you're settling' what if you end up really unhappy.

I'm clearly not happy in myself as I shouldn't place this much importance on my relationship. I used to be so content and not just happy with the big exciting times but all the time. You know that feeling of finishing work on a Friday and just looking forward to getting a takeaway and watching tv together - now I just feel flat all the time.

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