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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

When is it over?

21 replies

Lemonwater · 08/09/2016 22:35

I'm pretty sure the death nail in my marriage has came this week. Been bickering non stop for months, probably resentment building on both sides. I know if we were just dating it would have been over by now but with a child and a marriage I wanted it to work. I don't know there is any way to go back from the point we are at now. I don't know if I want them to. I don't want my child to grow up with divorced parents but I hate the way my relationship is. How do you know it is time to end it?

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jeaux90 · 08/09/2016 22:52

When you are miserable. What is the point in being in a relationship that makes you sad if there is no going back to happy.

Myusernameismyusername · 08/09/2016 22:55

I knew like you did for ages but no one wanted to be the one to say anything.
Don't make the mistake I did which was to ignore it until one silly row over a household chore turned into WW3 with me leaving with the children. It was awful and DD1 still remembers it (she was 5) and it's my biggest regret - not doing it with maturity and dignity and protecting the kids.

Lemonwater · 08/09/2016 23:01

I think we can safely say maturity and dignity have not been present this week. Funnily enough it also started over some stupid household chore. I'm just tired of feeling taken for granted andways treading on egg shells. I also can't stand the person I am becoming. The nagging shrew. I'm not proud of how I've been behaving either. My head is in a mess.

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Myusernameismyusername · 08/09/2016 23:03

Think of how the kids will remember it. That's my only advice. DD does not remember the build up only the one giant event of me and him splitting in front of her face. I hate myself for it.

Get your finances together and sit him down and have a really honest chat about how this is affecting your child

Lemonwater · 08/09/2016 23:22

Yeah I don't want my kid growing up seeing us fighting. My parents did all the day and it used to make me ill.

It's hard to talk when I feel like he doesn't listen or take on board what I'm saying. I've just given up talking and instead just seem to nag nonstop. Can't imagine I'm fun to live with either.

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TheNaze73 · 09/09/2016 07:42

For me, it's when you stop caring, it sounds like you're at that point.
Things that would use to bother you or worry you about your partner don't feel like an issue any more as you don't give a shit any more.
That's when I knew

adora1 · 09/09/2016 16:14

Sometimes just living apart for a little while helps you both see things more clearly and with a better perspective, when you are in the middle of the mire it's very hard to make good judgements.

It would give everyone a break from the bickering.

And remember you are nagging for a reason, he's not making you happy, do not ignore and carry on at the expensive of your happiness.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/09/2016 16:17

We're in a very similar position op.

Lemonwater · 09/09/2016 19:33

Thank you ladies. It's been a shit day big I'm being honest. I'm not able to keep my head straight. I know I'm not happy. I also know I'm not making him happy. I still love him (I think) so maybe that makes me reluctant to think about making things definite. Being a grown up is too hard sometimes.

alis I'm sorry to hear that. It's a crap situation to be in.

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apintofharpandapacketofdates · 09/09/2016 20:03

Not helpful I know - but I thought I jnew it was over, was clear in my head etc.

Life has been tough since, for reasons not directly to do with separation per se and I am beginning to wonder if I did the right thing

He says I pushed him away - I never ever did that, the reverse actually applied. He's begged me to reconsider , that he will do anything to make things right again. I've told him no chance as there is too much water under the bridge.

Ive heard it all before though - and he's never tried to change/adapt before. I don't trust him to do it now to be honest. I worry that he sees me low at the minute, and views that as an opportunity to ingratiate himself again.

I'm nto remotely attracted to him, I find it difficult to be married to someone who cant empathise with me now and again, and doesn't view our marriage as a partnership. Maybe that makes me a selfish cow, I dunno.

BUT I am worn down, and don't trust myself to make clear decisions right now.

Listen to your gut and take good care of yourself either way - you'll need all the strength you can get

nicenewdusters · 09/09/2016 20:12

Ask yourself a couple of things; are you relieved when he leaves your home and tense when he returns?

Do you sometimes find yourself wishing that he would meet somebody else so that could be the end?

cushion53 · 09/09/2016 21:04

Sums up my life. Yes, it's over.

Joysmum · 09/09/2016 21:10

It's over when how things are isn't good enough and there's no hoping of things changing because either one, or both of you, doesn't want to put the effort in to change things.

troubleatmill2011 · 09/09/2016 21:15

Hi lemonwater, can totally relate as hubby and I in the same boat (but no children between us). It's so draining and we bicker over the smallest things and the egg shells comments - oh yes!

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/09/2016 23:07

It is. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

I'm floundering at the moment. We've had the discussion (as opposed to the argument), I'm viewing a place on Monday.

If you want to pm me, feel free.

confusionoftheillusion · 10/09/2016 07:27

When you stop caring

When your heart sinks when you hear their key in the door

When you're a better "you" when they're not around.

shandybass · 10/09/2016 07:39

Oh my goodness all this resonates with me. I'm miserable, we're living almost separately in our house totally avoiding each other. I have savings, but I just can't seem to make it final. He said he wanted to hang on in there however bad and can't imagine being without us.
I just need to end it, but children, family, friends, life, society all seem to be squashing me to maintain the status quo.

troubleatmill2011 · 10/09/2016 10:45

Shandy bass - again totally feels like your talking about my life, it's so tough

SleepingTiger · 10/09/2016 14:14

When you are treading on eggshells and are losing the person you are then physically separating in order to divorce is the best thing to do.

It's as easy as that because you have no time to waste.

SleepingTiger · 10/09/2016 14:17

The quicker you can get on and build the life you want, the quicker you can set a better example for your children.

Don't tell them that living in a mediocre relationship is ok.

This is your life you are talking about. It's a gift. Spend it wisely.

Lemonwater · 10/09/2016 15:14

sleeping what you said cuts close to the bone. You're right we do only have one life. I'm sorry for everyone else who is in a similar position. I'm sure there are better days ahead for us all!

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