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do I give up for my sanity?

(21 Posts)
camichung Thu 08-Sep-16 16:03:35

Been with my partner 3 years, have a 2 year old. And I'm currently stuck on weather to walk away from our relationship, or to keep trying to make it work, at the moment I feel like I'm the only person trying and the thought of being without him absolutely devastates me, we split for nearly 3 months due to silly bickering and he hasn't officially moved back in yet. I just don't know what to do, it's a person I want to spend the rest of my life with, he says he wants to be together ect but puts absolutely no effort in. I find myself crying about not knowing what's going on with us, I feel he doesn't love me and it's making me ill! Any advice? 

0dfod Thu 08-Sep-16 16:06:05

You can't make someone love you.

Why would you want to be with someone whom is not that into you?

eatsleephockeyrepeat Thu 08-Sep-16 16:11:02

Imagine one of your babies was in exactly this position and you were watching them try to hold on to something that was failing to give them what they needed. Imagine they weren't happy. With all the love of a parent for their child, what would you want for them? Now want that for yourself.

By all means stand up for what you want - this relationship to work - but if you've spoken out and you aren't being listened to don't beg and beg and beg. You wouldn't want that for the ones you love, so don't settle for it yourself.

Joysmum Thu 08-Sep-16 16:19:45

You can't try enough for two people in the hope it makes up for lack of investment from the other person.

camichung Thu 08-Sep-16 16:26:00

Thanks so much eatsleep makes sense and I know deep down but I just find it so hard to let go when he's the father of my child and I just can't imagine myself with anyone else or even happy again. Just wish I could completely go Nc, just don't understand why he's saying he wants to be together but I can tell things have changed!

eatsleephockeyrepeat Thu 08-Sep-16 16:40:58

It's so hard to imagine yourself happy when you're in the middle of an emotional time cami, but don't let your crystal ball stop you from doing the right thing. Putting your foot down and saying "I can't go on like this" may not give you back your happiness - perhaps not for a while - but it will give you back your self-respect, and that's worth so much. And eventually you will see light at the end of that tunnel, and happiness will be waiting for you.

Who knows what's going on in his head, but I'll tell you one thing, all the hours in the day you could waste wondering and still you will never know. If you feel you need to have one more roll of the dice; if you feel perhaps there's something you've been holding back, that perhaps you haven't said; now's the time to say it. But it sounds like you feel you've given your all - like there is nothing you can do that wouldn't just be rehashing old ground. And if you've given your all, stop. Walk away. Perhaps it'll all come out in the wash, or perhaps you'll never understand why he said one thing and did another, but either way - whatever happens - one day it won't matter. You can't go round and round in circles.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 08-Sep-16 16:46:47

I don't think you want to be with him. I don't think he wants to be with you.

I think you want to be in a relationship with a person who loves you and puts effort into your relationship. You once thought he was that person. You were wrong.

He wants a relationship where he puts in no effort and yet has all his needs met. He though you would do that for him. He was wrong.

You are in a relationship that has lasted a while, you have a child and a home together. Admitting that you made a mistake is hard in this situation. You want to believe that the other person is your fantasy partner after all. You want them to see what you need them to be and change to be that person so you don't have the hardship of separation and co-parenting.

He wants you. He would love you to change into being a submissive servant so you can be together without bickering. he says he wants to be together ect but puts absolutely no effort in

You want him to step up to being part of a partnership of equals but he doesn't want that. he says he wants to be together ect but puts absolutely no effort in

I find myself crying about not knowing what's going on with us, I feel he doesn't love me and it's making me ill! Any advice? He loves you but he needs you to be a totally submissive wife to be in a relationship with you.

What's going on with you is the slow realisation that love is not enough. Not anywhere near enough. For either of you. End it as fast as possible now. It is already over.

camichung Thu 08-Sep-16 17:13:46

Over the last couple of months I have told him the whys we should try he knows how I feel! I think he probably has heard enough. He works away during the week and is home on the weekends, I text him this morning saying "I feel like you don't care about me".. I've had no reply of him all day.. Tried ringing him twice.. He does work non stop and I can see he hasn't read it, but I mean it takes 3 seconds to send a text? 
If he didn't feel the same way about me or didn't want to be together I just wish he would be honest if that was the case. 
I do want someone to love me and at times I felt really unloved by him, he never compliments and I think I am the type of person that needs that. Thank you so much both of you for taking the time to reply you have helped me so much x 

0dfod Thu 08-Sep-16 17:21:38

He is a coward Op, that is why he won't end it. He wants to be seen as Mr nice guy.

camichung Thu 08-Sep-16 22:18:46

I think your right, he's text me briefly tonight but is keeping it blunt and short, just does not care! How can people (men) start being like this, I've done nothing wrong. Wish I could just forget everything about us and switch of my feelings sad

KylieJo Fri 09-Sep-16 07:33:59

Have you attempted a conversation in which you state that things were different and why they have changed? Because it sounds like they have changed a lot!

eatsleephockeyrepeat Fri 09-Sep-16 08:12:44

Do you know what cami, from what you're saying you are absolutely right, something has changed. And whether or not your partner is ready or willing to admit that to you or not - for whatever reason - actions speak louder than words.

I'm afraid it seems you already know what you need to; don't wait to hear the words; don't be a passenger in your own life. My honest feeling is you need to tell him you're not going to accept this miserable half-life whilst you wait around for his behaviour to match what he's telling you, or the other way round. Trust your instincts on this one. If you think something's changed... it has.

Humblebee1 Fri 09-Sep-16 09:57:27

I feel so sorry for you. You must be emotionally exhausted. Your other half seems like mine, and I'm having a tough time accepting I've been sucked in just because I wanted to believe he was better than he was. It turned out he was cheating. I'm not saying yours is but I wish I had courage to put my own happiness first before I let mine get the chance. You deserve better and you know that.

RawPrawn Fri 09-Sep-16 09:58:32

The answer to your question is 'yes'.

SandyY2K Fri 09-Sep-16 10:28:50

Let it go. He's not putting in the effort or giving him what you need from the relationship. You've been clear about what you want and he's not stepped up.

Just work as coparents for the benefit of your child and be done.

You deserve better and you know it.

Don't listen to his words. Listen to his actions.

Say that to yourself 1,000 times a day.

camichung Mon 12-Sep-16 00:17:00

Thank you all again for the replies.
He was supposed to be working all this weekend but turns out he's not and instead of spending time with me and our Dc he decided to go out on the piss in Manchester. Thought I'd see him today (Sunday) but no he's at his mates house where he's living in bed hungover! Should be seeing him tomorrow so I'll be telling him how I feel then. I know I deserve better it's every time I think of finishing things I think of when we first moved into together, and just memories of when I was pregnant, labour all sorts of things and I just think how on earth am I going to able to forget about these things now? I just think wow he must be so bloody unhappy to be willing to potentially lose his family over nothing or of course there's another woman which you can never rule out really can you.    

camichung Mon 12-Sep-16 00:21:54

Humble, I really am sad. What an arse, sorry to hear that, I don't understand why people bother to cheat just leave. And in my case if he doesn't want to be with me just say and let me move on! It's honestly so stressful! I just want to get over it all and move on now and either be happy and with him which tbh I feel like like I've almost detached myself from him these last couple of weeks, or just get over all the memories off him, just wish I could go completely no contact!

BeMorePanda Mon 12-Sep-16 00:32:14

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life bickering with your P, crying, and putting all the effort in?

Isetan Mon 12-Sep-16 06:12:32

me or didn't want to be together I just wish he would be honest if that was the case.*

But he is telling you this, actions speak louder words and his actions scream, 'a relationship with you isn't a priority'. You have choices and waiting for him to prioritise you is a choice, it's just a humiliating one.

Isetan Mon 12-Sep-16 06:15:33

if he didn't feel the same way about me or didn't want to be together I just wish he would be honest if that was the case.

But he is telling you this, actions speak louder words and his actions scream, 'a relationship with you isn't a priority'. You have choices and waiting for him to prioritise you is a choice, it's just a humiliating one.

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