Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I too old to feel excited?

(48 Posts)
toots321 Thu 08-Sep-16 09:31:29

I'm 39 single 6 years. Awful dating experience. I met a guy a year ago he has 3 children and lives at home. Has his children every weekend. (Wrote a post last week about that little dilemma ) I am a nursing student and life is quite full on (wrote a post about that too 🙈) mumsnet has been like my best friend lately smile
I have absolutely no time to shave my legs let alone anything exciting.
My question is should I miss this guy? Should I want to make time to see him? My life is so busy. I have uni deadlines so have told him I need to stop weekends as it's always at mine 6 kids (his 3 and my 3) and a mountain of housework.
I can't see him every night anymore (he would come her before a night shift and have teams nights) so yes he probably is feeling a little insecure with all these changes but I have too much else to think about with my daughter find ding it difficult to settle into comprehensive school and uni/work myself. I have tried to explain how busy I am. He popped in for a coffee the other morning and asked if he was going to get rewarded for being understanding and did I want to pop upstairs for a shag! (Sorry his words) Nice! He knew I was stressed. He knew I couldn't do homework over the summer with kids home. He knew I was upset over my daughter. Anyway no more coffees either now! So now I feel guilty as he keeps asking to pop in. Then I'm thinking shouldn't I want him to? I said we will have a date night but he has his kids every weekend so he asked if I wanted free fish and chips for tea.
I'm sorry it's long.....The only question I wanted to ask was shouldn't I feel excited about him calling? Texting? Wanting to go out with him? Miss him? Feel like as a partner he makes my life easier? Less pressure?
I want to feel mum says at this age apparently not!

TrippyMcTrapFace Thu 08-Sep-16 09:38:12

I disagree with your mum.

It sounds as if you and him are just casual though - this 'popping in' business and him turning up at yours before night shifts etc.
Do you ever go out and do something together? Are you exclusive? Making future plans like holidays/weekends away?

I'm reading this like you're fuck buddies more than anything else. If that's what you want that's fine, but after a year of that I'm not surprised you don't feel particularly 'excited' about him.

By the way, have you ever been to his home?

Backtoschoolyay Thu 08-Sep-16 09:43:18

It's ok to not want to be with someone any more. It's ok to end a relationship. When you get to the stage where you don't actually want to see someone, it's time to call it a day.

I went out with someone for a year and I started to feel relieved when he didn't come round in the evenings. I knew it was truly over when I was relieved I was ill in bed and couldn't see him at all. Then I wanted to do things on the weekend without him hanging around.

I think you have reached that stage and it would be kinder to let him go,

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 08-Sep-16 09:44:26

You've had to write two separate threads about two separate issues or concerns with this guy.

That to my mind tells you all you need to know.

I'd move on, actually. I don't think you have the time for a relationship with anyone, that's putting any actual issue aside. You should very definitely still be excited. You're not, it's added pressure that you don't need.

TrippyMcTrapFace Thu 08-Sep-16 09:45:18

OP I've just read your about thread that you mentioned.
Please read it again, you had some great replies.
It's not surprising you dont' feel excited about this. He's using you and part of you knows it.

I'd dump, concentrate on my study and future career, build a life for me and the DC. But that's just me.
You don't need men like this in your life.


toots321 Thu 08-Sep-16 09:52:53

I want to disagree with my mum too! I met a guy in between being single and I felt that excitement. I wanted to 'be' with him. He didnt want that! I remember feeling like i wanted to look nice. I had a bit of a sparckle. That was when i was newly single and naive. Athough it did work out. I remember that feeling. I never feel this with him. I thought maybe because my awful dating history has killed every bit of sparkle left in me?!
I have been to his house. He lives with his parents. We have been out a handful of times. I don't have spare cash so wait for him to offer which isn't alot. He has cooked also a few times. Only if he has a Friday off as he has his kids sat and sun sleeping. Fridays are rare. He pops in because this is the only time. I can't afford weekends away or holidays. Poor student at the moment. I priced something up in the summer but with my 3 and his 3 it's was a ridiculous amount. Definitely definitely not just someone to sleep with as we hardly ever have sex. I don't get excited and our schedules make it difficult. I definitely don't want to move in with him.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 08-Sep-16 09:53:59

Then END IT. Simple. No need for more navel gazing.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 09:57:24

I met my dh 4 years ago. He worked full time (no kids) I worked full time and juggled 10 kids. We made it work. Married with a toddler now. I was 41 and it has been the best 4 years of my adult life. Don't give up so easily on the chance of a proper future together.

AstrantiaMallow Thu 08-Sep-16 09:57:29

He sounds more of a pesky needy nuisance than anything else. He doesn't really respect you if he knows you're stressed and never stops asking to pop over. His comment about being rewarded for being understanding would be a complete turn off.

What does he bring to your life that's positive?

I saw your other thread about single motherhood. You're amazing, he's not worth all the extra hassle.

toots321 Thu 08-Sep-16 10:00:36

Thankyou all for your messages smile
I will break his heart. All my family love him and think he's right for me.
I wonder if I'm feeling this way because I'm so stressed. I questioned it because I should have someone there to make me feel better when I have so much going on. Something to look forward to away from everything else. I love my evenings with my children when I can shut off from everything g for a couple of hours before they go to bed. I just feel so anxious that I can't give anymore of my time.
Thankyou for reading. You are all so kind. Whatever did I do before discoverin mumsnet smile

TrippyMcTrapFace Thu 08-Sep-16 10:03:21

Ok, it's clear that it's not working for you. His working hours and childcare arrangements mean that he's not actually available for a proper relationship.
I don't see how he could make it work with anyone, let alone someone like yourself who is studying and has 3 kids of their own.

The 'sparkle' you're wanting will come back but only when you're with the right guy who values your time as much as he values his own, wants to do stuff together (even going out for a walk together - costs nothing), makes plans to see you, doesn't just pop in for a shag. Basically, you've been together a year but you're like an old married couple that's in a complete rut and trying to manage 6 kids every weekend.

TrippyMcTrapFace Thu 08-Sep-16 10:06:31

Actually, I don't think you'll break his heart that badly. He'll be gutted about losing his cosy little setup but he'll soon get over it.
Anyway,even if he does end up heartbroken, sadly that's life. He's bringing nothing to the relationship, you want different things, he's not right for you.

And yy to everything that Astrantia wrote above.

pasic Thu 08-Sep-16 10:07:12

He's surplus to requirements. No sparkle, don't waste your time.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 08-Sep-16 10:07:50

Bearded you need to read the OP's other thread. You would probably advise differently.

OP, you will NOT break his heart, honestly. You can only break someone's heart if they love you. He doesn't.

toots321 Thu 08-Sep-16 10:14:03

Thankyou smile
It was a turn off! True about him not being available for a relationship. He won't change anything though.
I feel so guilty about not offering for him to pop in before work. I make excuses like I'm doing uni work when I'm not I'm spending time with my children. Every little gap I've got he wants a coffee. I want to scream. I just want a coffee alone. I should want a coffee though shouldn't I? If I truly wanted to see him I would? Also I would want to meet him on weekends with his children and go for a walk as it's free?

toots321 Thu 08-Sep-16 10:20:16

Cross posting.....
He says he loves me and would do anything for me.
His last relationship broke down because he's not willing to change anything on weekends and no intention of getting his own place.
What does he bring that's positive? He doesn't offer but if I ask he would help out with picking the kids up or maybe cut my grass. That means him coming over so I don't ask. It's not always cos I don't want to see him it's just he hangs around. That sounds awful I know. It's hard to explain. He needs my attention then and I have too much to do!
The more I post the more I sound mean!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 08-Sep-16 10:21:01

I tell you what, the day I stop feeling excited about stuff is the day they can do away with me.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 08-Sep-16 10:23:12

No, the more you sound like you're waking up and smelling the coffee about this guy. He loves you but won't do anything for you or show that he does.

Seriously, don't analyse this any more. Just put an end to it.

AstrantiaMallow Thu 08-Sep-16 10:36:54

You've known him a year but it's very full-on, him and his 3 kids at the weekend. I'm not surprised you're overwhelmed and not excited. I can only see you getting more stressed with this set-up.

Single mother of two here. The simple thought of imagining having a boyfriend bringing his 3 children almost every weekend to my house makes me want to climb the walls!! And I'm not even studying.

Single mum of two here. I look forward to seeing my boyfriend. About twice a week. He isn't an added pressure. I've had times when I couldn't see him and all he did was back off or look if he could find a way in his own schedule to work with mine. He didn't keep suggesting more dates or popping over asking for a reward. He's quite mature about things.

I've had to think a lot on my boundaries (because of past relationship) and your guy sounds like he isn't respecting yours.

AstrantiaMallow Thu 08-Sep-16 10:39:54

Oops repetition blush.

Anyhow, maybe your family like him but they don't have to put up with him, and it sounds that's what you're doing here.

toots321 Thu 08-Sep-16 10:44:49

Thanks for messages smile
Yes it's all been too full on. Too much expected of me. It's like I'm the one with the house so let's go to mine. I'm cooking tea anyway and as he shows up at tea time I feed him. I can't get on with things because he's there.
I've stopped it now and that's probably why he is wanting my every spare moment.
Do you see a future of moving in with your new guy? I know it's early days but surely I should want to thinking that I would like to one day. I most definitely don't! Does he have children?

TrippyMcTrapFace Thu 08-Sep-16 10:47:21

"His last relationship broke down because he's not willing to change anything on weekends and no intention of getting his own place. "

There's your answer OP.
He doesn't love you enough to want to change. He's very happy with not having to make much effort and not being fully committed. he's making it quite clear by his actions that you're not actually that important to him.

AstrantiaMallow Thu 08-Sep-16 11:03:07

I missed the bit about having no intention of getting his own house. Really? angry How does he explain that one?
The more you write (using your house, eating your food and taking your time) the more irritating and lazy he sounds. Sorry!

You ask about my boyfriend. He's lovely and seems ok with the slowness of it all. I've just moved to a new place after a nasty marriage and divorce. I'm not going anywhere for now. His child's flown the nest and he hasn't met mine.

TheNaze73 Thu 08-Sep-16 11:08:35

Think you're giving yourself a heap of self inflicted ball ache here OP.

As I see it, he doesn't want or have the time for a relationship that you want. Bin him off. Two posts in a week about a year long relationship isn't right

category12 Thu 08-Sep-16 11:11:20

You don't want him around - that's fair enough. You aren't into him - that's OK. You need to ditch him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now