Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Completely and utterly stuck

10 replies

slightlyinsane · 08/09/2016 09:30

Been with h for nearly 13 years, married nearly 10, we have dc's (not going to say how many as potentially very outing) eldest's in secondary school, youngest are still at home.
Things have not been right for years, any conversation about it has ended up in him stomping and shouting, nothing changing and plod on until the next time.
Over the past year I've gradually become detached from the marriage, just couldn't be bothered to listen to it again, sick of the nasty comments and shouting.
It's finally come to a stand off.
For once the conversation was initiated by him and for the first time ever he sat and listened, no shouting very few snide comments.
He then very calmly told me all about how he was feeling had been for years.
The conversation ended up with him saying we either live in misery or I leave.
I'm not leaving the kids but he won't either, it's all such a fucking mess, I'm a fucking mess.

OP posts:

Report

idontlikealdi · 08/09/2016 09:36

That sounds awful. Why should you be the one to leave though? Who is the main carer of the children?

Report

slightlyinsane · 08/09/2016 09:42

I'm a sahm have been for a few years.
He can't/won't look at things objectively and see what the most sensible options are.
He needs some counselling, has done for years but I just don't give a shit anymore, I'm not wasting time trying to make him see how far from right he is.
Complete and utter fucktard

OP posts:

Report

idontlikealdi · 08/09/2016 09:47

Fucktard indeed.

If you are the main carere he surely has to leave - how can it make any sense otherwise. You can't take the children out of their home!

Hopefullyuu someone will come aling with some proper advice.

Report

slightlyinsane · 08/09/2016 11:23

In his eyes I wouldn't be taking the kids out of their home, it would just be me leaving.
Stupid fucking twatface

OP posts:

Report

Resilience16 · 08/09/2016 16:49

Get some good legal advice.
Speak to CAB.
This man is emotionally abusive and manipulative. Don't let him back you into a corner.
Keep your cool,get advice and plan the best exit strategy for you and your kids.
You deserve better.Hug of support for you.

Report

Cary2012 · 08/09/2016 17:49

The man's deluded.

Don't bother trying to talk sense to him, you've had enough, I understand that.

CAB office as suggested, local family lawyer.

Don't leave the family home (I know you won't).

A solicitor can then give him the reality check he's long overdue.

This can't go on, so legal advice pronto.

Good luck

Report

Cary2012 · 08/09/2016 17:52

And you are not stuck OP, you always have choices and options. Remember that. A good solicitor will explain them.

Report

crossroads3 · 08/09/2016 18:34

In his eyes I wouldn't be taking the kids out of their home, it would just be me leaving.
Stupid fucking twatface

I am pretty sure h thinks the same. Has been known to tell me to "get out" in some past arguments .

I am stuck for very similar reasons to you OP.

Report

Resilience16 · 08/09/2016 19:52

The "choices" your partner has given you (live in misery/you leave the kids) arent choices at all, they are just ways to try to continue to manipulate and control you. He can see you have become impervious to his previous methods of verbal abuse, stomping and shouting, hence he has changed tack.
Call his bluff and get legal advice pronto.
You aren't permanently stuck, you just need direction to get unstuck.

Report

slightlyinsane · 08/09/2016 19:52

Yep I've been told in not so pleasant words to leave.
I don't think there is much to learn from legal advice.
We rent with both names on it, no assets etc. I can't for various reasons take the kids away from here to another house out of school catchment area, I have no car to enable me to move and ferry them here everyday.
Completely buggering stuck