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OH never initiates- advice please

(12 Posts)
MidnightStars Thu 08-Sep-16 05:26:00

Been together with OH for 2 years. We have a 11 week old baby.

When we first got together we would have a lot of sex like any couple. He would initiate it as well as me and would seem really up for it.

He went on holiday a few weeks after we had got together, come back and he would initiate now and then but he said he felt depressed living with his cousin so didn't feel like it, so I backed off being thoughtful of his feelings.

He moved out of there and lived with a friend. And we now live together. He was a million times happier not living with his cousin but the sex never picked up again. I always initiate sex now, he mocks saying I always bug him for it. He never says anything sexual.

When I became pregnant we stopped having sex when I was around 4 months. He said he found it odd which I understand some men do. We had sex for the first time again last night which I initiated again even though I made it clear I was ready. He just doesn't seem bothered.

There are other issues too and I have a feeling he is messaging another girl atm. What would your opinions be? I'm just so tired of being the one to try and most of the time be rejected

arekid Thu 08-Sep-16 08:17:49

Hi, I am in a similar boat atm. I'm 31 weeks pregnant & my partner has stopped initiating & rejects me when I try. It's soul destroying for a woman. It's not even about the sex for me, more the intimacy & feeling loved. I know some blokes go off sex with a pregnant woman, which is fair enough, so I'm just waiting to see if normal service will resume in the next year or so (but not holding my breath).

I was married & this happened with my ex husband too. We hadn't had sex in 18mth by the time I called it a day (when I used to try to initiate anything with exH he used to say "I'm not a machine" what a useless tosser) . I felt too young to live a life of celibacy. It did destroy my confidence at the time though, I thought it was my fault I must have been so unattractive that my husband went off me. Took a long time to rebuild that confidence & now it's happening all over again! I'm not under any illusions things will get better for me, but I'm not making any big decisions at this late stage of my pregnancy. Plenty of time for that after baby is born & I'm back on my feet more. But I don't think our relationship will last. From experience I will get pissed off and call it a day.

I don't have any advice for you really except to say it's not your fault & don't let it affect your confidence.

Have you spoken to him about why he seems to have lost his libido?

PurpleWithRed Thu 08-Sep-16 08:25:49

He isn't interested in sex and "there are other issues too". Or "there are issues in our relationship; as a result he isn't interested in me".

MidnightStars Thu 08-Sep-16 08:30:18

It's nice to hear from someone in a similar position arekid it's not nice is it. I let it go the sex while pregnant even though it was hurtful because I get the reason. But mostly through our relationship it's been me who has to try and then he makes out I ask for it all the time (which I really don't)! I know he has body confidence issues but he hasn't always been like this. I know way before me he had a lot of sexual partners. Like you say it's about intimacy as well, which I don't really get either. I feel like I'm turned into a cold person because of all of this rejection now sad

MidnightStars Thu 08-Sep-16 08:31:58

The sex problems started close to the beginning of our relationship before the issues started. But the issues have probably not helped. The issues being him messaging other girls

smilingeyes11 Thu 08-Sep-16 08:36:07

Him messaging other girls is the issue here - why are you staying with someone who does that. If he is messaging others I would think there is other contact with women too - which is why he won't have sex with you I bet. Find your self esteem and get rid of him - you don't seem to have much of a relationship with him moving in and out anyway?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 08-Sep-16 08:50:33

Arekid It's just as soul destroying for a man who is constantly rejected and whose OH never initiates either. Been there, got the t-shirt. I didn't even hassle at any point, I simply stopped, tried to talk about it, and waited to see when she would initiate. She never did. In four years. I never bothered initiating either, what would be the point. So I left.

MatildaTheCat Thu 08-Sep-16 08:50:46

It sounds as if he is more comfortable in a virtual relationship without the tiresome need to have sex. Sorry but I could not live with a man who rejects me let alone one who is being unfaithful, which this is.

What is your housing situation?

MidnightStars Thu 08-Sep-16 09:09:52

We manage to sort the message thing out and I thought I'd give him a second chance. We went on holiday and moved in together and then I was pregnant. I thought I'd try considering I was pregnant and things between us seemed good apart from the lack of sex.
Now I'm 11 weeks postpartum and I think he is messaging a women again, although this time he has seen her face to face as she's a client of his. I know I'm stupid and shouldn't of accepted it in the first place but he is very convincing. We have had sex once which I initiated again! We had an opportunity to have it last night since LO was at his nans but he was saying how ill he felt.
I feel in such a mess, low self esteem, I live with him but he supports us financially as I'm on maternity pay. Don't know what to do really

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 09:12:53

You need to pack his stuff and send him on his way to the ow. He isn't committed to you at all. And dont have sex with him if he is effectively cheating on you!

arekid Thu 08-Sep-16 10:16:33

DrSeth sorry wasn't trying to say it's worse for a woman, was just speaking from personal experience. Soul destroying for anyone to be with a partner that is unresponsive. 4 years though!! You deserve the George cross

StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 08-Sep-16 10:21:48

Are The previous two years had been very sporadic too. Been single over 6 years no, haven't dated in 5. So I can quite accurately say that I have had sex twice in the last 10 years. I'm 42. Where's my life gone? smile

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