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Sexless marriage

(25 Posts)
lifeonthemuvaside Wed 07-Sep-16 20:38:41

Husband and I have been together 10 years, married 6, have two DC, 3 and 9mths, but never have sex, in fact the last time we had sex was when we conceived last dc so you can do the math there!
We have had some troubles and have nearly split up a couple of times, and we have been to counselling but we end up staying together and just struggling on. I know DH would like sex frequently but for me I just feel like I can't give him that side of me as I find him so irritating and selfish that I don't think he deserves it as having sex means everything is ok which it isn't. I can't bring myself to leave because of DC. Obviously I know that this can't be normal but what should I do?

jimbob1 Wed 07-Sep-16 20:51:29

You should leave. Noone is benefitting here.
Parents are miserable and the children are going to grow up thinking that is whats normal.
IF your child approached you in 20 years and said this what would your advice be?

lifeonthemuvaside Wed 07-Sep-16 21:02:43

Just not sure I have courage to break up my family! It's not bad all the time, we laugh and joke and do everything that a normal functioning family do

jimbob1 Wed 07-Sep-16 21:23:49

I know DH would like sex frequently but for me I just feel like I can't give him that side of me as I find him so irritating and selfish that I don't think he deserves it as having sex means everything is ok which it isn't.

This doesn't sound like it is good.

ragdollymama Wed 07-Sep-16 21:47:29

Hi lotmas, did you have lots of sex when you were first together? If so, what's changed? I ask because my ex and I have recently split after 12 years and 3 kids together (he was cheating) and I've done a lot of self analysis about how our relationship changed. First off, my ex was always pretty selfish and needy but early on that felt like attention so I suppose the warning signs just didn't register. We had (good) sex all the time. On reflection as we had kids he became resentful - I think of sharing my time, he withdrew any emotional support (I may well have imagined it in the first place, mistaking his neediness for it). Yes, we always had sex but for me in later years I'll confess it became a chore. I put that down to being tired, needing sleep but actually I think it was because he had turned in to such a taker, expecting me to run the house, hold down a job, do everything for the kids etc I unconsciously just didn't really want to give. And it got to the point that whenever we had sex (still weekly-ish) there were always pointed comments from him - we need to do that more often, we don't do it as often as we used to etc etc. that were just even more off-putting. At the end of the day, I very rarely turned him down even when I really didn't feel like it, it wasn't enough. He cheated and we have split. I'm not suggesting that's what will happen to you but clearly something has changed in your relationship and you need to work out if you can repair it or if actually, you're just going to make each other miserable. I hope this helps. x

Cary2012 Wed 07-Sep-16 22:22:52

So you view sex as a 'prize' which he wins when he isn't selfish and irritating?

Not great is it?

So, why is he selfish and irritating?

MatildaTheCat Wed 07-Sep-16 22:32:21

This reads uncomfortably as if you wanted DC and allowed sex until you had achieved this...

You mention counselling and still letting this situation drift. Neither of you is happy yet you still have a laugh together? Ok, in very crude terms it's time to piss or get off the pot. Either you both decide to work on the issues and get this marriage on track or you split. You don't mention any health problems or lack of libido, just a method of punishing your dh for being annoying. So it sounds quite a done deal but still,mif you don't want to split you both need to act. If it's beyond repair, do the best thing for all of you and make it a clean and civilised split and move on.

S3pth0t Wed 07-Sep-16 23:29:59

I dont see a long term future together

You find DH irritating

DH wants more sex, which is not available

You both sound unhappy

I would push for a clean break and move on to better and happier lives

TheNaze73 Wed 07-Sep-16 23:41:46

One of you needs to make the move and end it

SandyY2K Wed 07-Sep-16 23:55:54

This marriage isn't going to last at this rate. If he's selfish and irritating to you, why be with him?

Perhaps you'll have the courage to leave or make him leave when either of you find someone else.

lifeonthemuvaside Thu 08-Sep-16 13:53:29

thanks for all your responses.
Its not that i view sex as a prize, its just more that i dont want to give that side of myself to him when im pissed off with him, which is a lot of the time! I totally agree that its resentment, and i guess i need to work on that, but not really sure where to begin.
I cant imagine breaking up our family, he is an amazing father, and the thought of sharing my babies weekly and especially at xmas's and birthdays is heart wrenching. I do spend some days wishing he would have the balls to leave so i didnt have to, then other days i cant imagine life without him. He always tells me that he loves me and that he doesnt want to lose the kids and i.

adora1 Thu 08-Sep-16 14:01:10

He's selfish and irritates you so yes you are not going to want to have sex with someone who you view this way.

He does sound selfish, all he is interested in is getting sex, what about making you happy?

It sounds doomed, in fact I think you are just staying cos it's easier but I don't see anything changing for you.

lifeonthemuvaside Thu 08-Sep-16 14:08:15

That's exactly my fear!

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 08-Sep-16 14:12:08

And he is not an amazing father either. Women tend to write such guff when they can themselves write nothing positive about their man.

If he really is an amazing father then he is perfectly capable of co-parenting his children.

What do you want to teach them about relationships; that a loveless marriage is their norm too?. What is in this relationship for you now, what do you get out of this?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 14:15:52

Surely a normal functioning family has 2 parents who love and respect each other in it. Doesn't sound like your family.

HermioneWeasley Thu 08-Sep-16 14:23:56

I've missed what he does that's so selfish and irritating?

ErnieAndBernie Thu 08-Sep-16 14:25:29

What is irritating and selfish about him?

lifeonthemuvaside Thu 08-Sep-16 14:27:44

Slightly harsh to make such snap judgements about this when you only know a very small part of the situation. However, i appreciate that i am open to this by making a post on MN.
Ive never said that he wouldn't be capable co-parenting, he would manage it perfectly well, as i said its more that i dont want to break up our family and share my children. Furthermore, i can assure you that he is an excellent father and this is by far not "guff" as you so eloquently phrased it.

Candlefairy101 Thu 08-Sep-16 14:32:30

2 years ago OP I was exactly like you! Even down to the 'prize sex' I know what you mean it's not prize but why should you hand your whole body over to him when it's the only thing your have to yourself at the moment?

So I started two years ago to write a secret list of the things I was angry about because some days we were Pete t then as soon as he upset me EVERYTHING he ever did or said would come flooding back to my brain all at the same time.

I was so lost and confused thinking that I was mean, an angry person and I convinced myself that he deserves someone better BUT I started to read my list back and after two years HE is an emotional abusive bastard! It has taken me since we were 12 years old for me to realise this. I split from him 5 weeks ago...

I never in my dreams would of thought I'd say that about him, we have three you children and everyone says 'oh what a good dad' but I started to realise it was a false image I watched in the distance

Hockeydude Thu 08-Sep-16 14:34:33

I don't think you should leave. I think you are at a very difficult stage in life with a baby and a toddler. Added together with general stresses in life, it's enough to push even a good marriage to breaking point.

Try and iron out what the problems are and what you can do about it.

I see your point about not wanting to have sex with him because "other stuff" is wrong, but I think probably from his perspective the barrier to sorting out the "other stuff" is the lack of sex. ie he does not want to bother sorting stuff that is making your feel unloved, when it's the sex stuff that's making him feel unloved. So it's like a vicious circle.

Too many times on MN, people just shout LTB when marriages could be saved and go on to prosper when the stress of small kids etc decreases.

lifeonthemuvaside Thu 08-Sep-16 14:38:48

Thanks Candle
i can definitely relate to the anger and flooding, maybe i should start to write a list too. I would never consider him emotionally abusive, he is a kind man, i just think maybe i have outgrown him, and because i dont have the courage to leave it has made me resentful which in turn makes me find fault in a lot of things that he does.

lifeonthemuvaside Thu 08-Sep-16 14:40:43

thanks Hockey
Definitely think there is some merit in your analysis and the vicious circle, i guess i dont know how to break that cycle!

user1471443066 Thu 08-Sep-16 14:44:15

I agree that you are at a stage in life, where life is really draining and hard and can be a little depressing.

I think you need to work out why you don't want to share your physical self with him. Then look at whether those reasons can be worked on and who if anyone is responsible. There might be room for improvement.

Having sex doesn't mean everything is ok...maybe closer to ..."I'm not repulsed by you"

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 08-Sep-16 15:03:26

You have stated he is selfish and irritating'; where are your positive points about him?. You also cannot answer what needs of yours are being met here by him. Maybe you have outgrown him after all.

Women do write such about their man when they can themselves think of nothing positive to write about him.

Candlefairy101 Thu 08-Sep-16 15:13:15

Oh by the way OP my youngest is 6months, then I have a just turned 2 yearly and 6 year old.

I didn't mean LBT sorry, I just wanted to say what I did.

I still can't say 'emotional abusive' out loud to anyone because it's too harsh for me to say it confused but on paper it's all there x

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