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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do you warn your abusive exes new gf that he is abusive?

28 replies

Zumbarunswim · 07/09/2016 19:39

Should you warn your abusive exes new gf about his behaviour? Is there ever a reason to justify doing so? Is it the morally right thing to do? A tiny part of me thinks I should at least try but I think doing so would make me look crazy (and validate his most likely version of events of me being bitter/not right in the head/having post natal depression ) the alternative is to let her find out the same way I did and be driven practically round the bend questioning herself when he turns everything back on her. When I finally left him I apologised to his ex for believing his version that she was the bad one and she confirmed that he had done the same and worse to her. She said she should have warned me but I don't know if i would have listened as he is very charming at first. I feel like I know more than she does though as I know what he did to me and her so it's more like a pattern of behaviour than a one-off.

OP posts:

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user1471453601 · 07/09/2016 19:43

She probably won't listen, but for my own peace of mind, I'd tell her. If you can persuade his ex to come with you, all the better

gamerchick · 07/09/2016 19:44

No, I felt like doing fucking handsprings he was off my case and someone else's problem. She wouldn't have believed me anyway the way she behaved at first.. Like she had won the prize.

She learned and she'll do handsprings as well when she gets shot of him.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 07/09/2016 19:46

I should've done.

I was shown a picture of ExH's new wife and noticed her teeth (pretty lady but her front teeth were kind of prominent). Saw a photo a few years later and her front teeth were gone.

Tied myself up in knots for ages thinking he'd knocked them out.

She may of lost them for a different reason entirely. I really hope so.

GreenAndYellow · 07/09/2016 19:46

I don't think I know the answer to this question. There is a non molestation order against my ex, I am not likely to have any clue if he has a new relationship. If I was aware of a new girlfriend, I think I would want to give her my phone number and tell her to be careful. I would want to direct her to the Freedom Programme, just so she was warned, but she would probably think I was just a crazy ex.

I seriously worry about this.

Zumbarunswim · 07/09/2016 19:50

It's shit. I wish there was an anonymous trip advisor type thing!

OP posts:

aLeopardanditsSpots · 07/09/2016 19:52

Very similar story here in that I apologised to his ex for believing his lies about her and the awful situation he left her in.
Didn't need to warn the new one he's a lying cheating piece of shit as she knew he was with me when they started. I did sent her screen shots from his ex and also another previous ex. To show the pattern of behaviour. She's still with him. She's either thick as shit or thinks she's gods gift.
Wouldn't be surprised if she messages me in a year or two. She might even have the decency to apologise for fucking my fiance then again probably not. And if she does I'll thank her for being the one that got him off my hands and saved me from marrying the twat.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2016 19:56

The first thing i thought when I heard my ex had married someone he'd met online 3 months earlier was dear god I hope he's nicer to her than he was to me.

But I also know what he's told her about me via people still in touch with him. Despite mutual friends I've never met her as apparently she's so hurt for him at how I treated and then abandoned him.

He also presumably can't risk her finding out the truth and realising what a pile of shite she's been told.

They're married and she needed a visa so even if I had wanted to warn her it wouldn't have made a difference.

But I hope, genuinely, that he's not gas lighting and abusing her. And I know, though don't really remember, that people tried to warn me and I refused to listen. He's been through so much, I was the only one who could help him, etc etc etc... I'm grateful I saw the light but it took a while!

So I don't know OP. But as someone's said, if you and his previous ex both give it a go and have no agenda, you might stand a chance at stopping another woman staying in a shit situation.

BothBarrels · 07/09/2016 19:59

Yes you should tell her, if you think it's in her interests to know and it sounds like it is. I didn't, and 20 years later it still bothers me from time to time. She may or may not thank you for it but that isn't the point, the point is (I think) to share information so she can make a more informed choice come what may in the future.

LoveRosie2008 · 07/09/2016 20:09

I think sometimes it depends on the age of the person (as in how much life experience they have). I was warned once did not learn my lesson and then the second time brushed it off and thought I could handle it, confidence and stupidity of youth both times. I was wrong they were right.

Cary2012 · 07/09/2016 20:13

Anonymous Twunt Adviser, OP?

I wouldn't tell her, she probably would think it was sour grapes.

Do cartwheels that you're free.

KittensDoNotLikeFluffyBlankets · 07/09/2016 20:21

I told one once. She knew me before she met him, so I thought it only fair. She told him, I got lots on angry texts and calls from him, plus grief from mutual friends. She didn't believe me, so it didn't even work! Well, she did later when he did the same to her.

I would still do the same thing again, because it is the right thing to do. Some women might be deterred by that, and if it saves one from a hard time, that's the point. Also, it flushed out the fact that a mutual friend had some very funny ideas and double standards. They are no longer a friend and my life is better for it.

embo1 · 07/09/2016 20:28

I wouldn't care if she thought it was sour grapes. Your conscience would be clear.

wigglypuff · 07/09/2016 20:33

I told my exes new partner because she asked. They spent a year ripping me to shreds based off me obviously being very very jealous and making up such a terrible lie. It all eventually settled down but it tainted every interaction I ever had with either of them after that.

Fast forward 7 years and she emailed me apologising for everything. She eventually knew I hadn't lied because he did the exact same to her and made her incredibly ill off the back of all the abuse. They aren't together anymore thankfully but he has moved on again.

I don't regret telling her, it's the right thing to do-but inevitably you won't be believed.

I think it's her responsibility to tell his latest squeeze.

Sort of a tag you're it scenario.

LoveRosie2008 · 07/09/2016 20:35

I think it would help as when the doubts start they would then stop and think about what they had been told. On the other hand it can bring them closer together, for the time being anyway! Depends on lots of factors.

aLeopardanditsSpots · 07/09/2016 20:46

Wiggly do you not think getting a warning from an ex once removed so to speak would be more likely to make her think?
Both his exs said they thought about warning me but didn't think they would be believed. Maybe if they had both warned me I might have listened? Although he is very very good at what he does and of course had set them both up as liars or controlling and bitter. No doubt I'm now being cast into the crazy bitch ex role.
I had other warnings, not about abuse or cheating but other dodgy stuff that should have given me more of a clue about his character. I didn't listen to my gut and it haunts me.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 07/09/2016 20:48

I did. The new GF didn't (mainly) believe me, but my conscience was clear.

I could hear her (I did it by phone) start to think, though. I never had follow-up, but I'd like to hope it helped.

wigglypuff · 07/09/2016 21:06

Good question-made me think! If his new girlfriend asked me then I would say but I have no way of contacting her. I'm more worried about telling my dd to be honest.

They live in a very small Emmerdale type village-it would be public knowledge now, there is no way the one I told is hiding it, a lot harder to ignore but he is VERY charming and a bit of a pro. He will only do it in long term relationships, and none as of yet have been.

I may have to rejoin Facebook now so I can make contact and check.

It was hell for ages, and it still tears me apart that he painted me as jealous after what he put me through, but the though of it happening to someone else makes me feel sick.

Joysmum · 07/09/2016 21:13

I should have spoken up about my ex. It's a big part of the therapy I've needed because of the guilt of not speaking up. He's gone on be be terrible to others but I don't know if he's raped them too.

I wish I'd spoken up, as much for me as for them

CRazzyyAce · 07/09/2016 21:15

No i wouldnt you come across as bitter, i'm ex was an arsehole cheated, emotionally abusive etc but its not my place to be telling his DW when she got with him

Wheresthewine36 · 07/09/2016 21:24

I would warn tell her. Chances are, she won't believe you and certainly won't thank you, but, as others have said, your conscience will be clear. She will remember what you've told her when he starts to mistreat her and it may just give her the extra insight to recognise his repeating pattern. Tell her and let her do what she will with the information.x

KittensDoNotLikeFluffyBlankets · 07/09/2016 21:26

Oh Joysmum that's not something you should feel guilty about. That's such s horrible thing he did to you and I am so sorry that happened to you.

It's his fault, all his fault. What he did to you is his fault. That he terrified you is his fault. What he does to anyone else is his fault.

What he did to you made you scared and traumatised. That makes it difficult to speak about happened, whether that's to police, to a therapist, to someone new to warn them.

That you can speak about it at all, on here shows a lot of bravery and that you are making big steps.

Please don't feel guilty- what he did scared and hurt you so much you were unable to speak about it.

It is his fault. Not your fault.

Take cate

BadgerIsGrumpy · 07/09/2016 21:27

I wish my DM had been warned about ExH (not DF), his ExW & DC knew what he was like and no one told her. He was emotionally, verbally & physically abusive, and DM could have been saved from that.

DM & I have discussed it. She doesn't know if she would have believed it initially but that perhaps once his behaviour towards her started changed, that something would have clicked and she would have left sooner.

smilingeyes11 · 07/09/2016 21:46

I briefly warned the OW what he was like - she laughed and said I had made it all up. Her few months with him had convinced her how wonderful he was. My 15 years of abuse were all made up according to her. I worry that he has treated her in the same way he treated me. I do sincerely hope he hasn't but I think he probably has. Wish she had listened and protected herself and her DC from him.

SarcasmMode · 07/09/2016 21:53

That's what I did.

Granted, she was under age so I told her and contacted her elder sister and Dad too (she was 15, I was 18, ex 21).

She didn't believe me completely at the time but after the fact told me it was always at the back of her mind. She thanked me for telling her and offering to be there afterward.

I think it's more you know you tried. If the girlfriend will have a bad opinion of you then you have nothing to lose. With me if he would've done something and I hadn't have said something I'd never have forgiven myself.

Sorry your ex is a serial abuser. Some people are fucking leeches.

Marmalade85 · 07/09/2016 21:55

Yes please do. My ex was violent and I contacted one of his ex gf's and found out he had been violent to her. She regrets not warning me and I will make it my mission to warn the next whether they believe me or not.

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