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Dating Communication - Riddle me this?

(16 Posts)
LadyFadgina Wed 07-Sep-16 16:33:41

Seeing this guy for about a month, we are sleeping together and and have spent a fair amount of time in each others company always for long overnight dates, whenever we possibly can. Everything is sweet and rosy and we can't keep our hands off each other, lots of PDA. All wonderful. He is a such a lovely decent man (and I fancy him like crazy aswell). We have not had the exclusive chat, still on OLD sites, so he could be dating others (although unlikely as his free time is usually with me or accounted for). I've not been on other dates as I'd feel guilty but that's just me, if he wants to that's his prerogative, for now, while we work out if this has a future.

How much contact would you say is reasonable to expect at this stage? He is a terrible terrible texter, (although having said that its every 24hrs or so, always him responding to me though) we do call occasionally and have said this is a better form of communication for us. He never initiates texts or sends anything 'just because' and rarely do we have long back and forths on texts. Here's what confuses me. He has jokingly moaned a few times now that I never pick up the phone and call him, but he's hardly Busby (showing my age!)

Basically he's very lovable but a moody sod who often doesn't feel like speaking to anyone on an evening, which I understand and he admits this, but said I shouldn't let that stop me approaching him to see if he's in the mood for a chat.

I know his last LTR had problems because the ex was a bit too clingy and sounds like his aloofness did her head in (I feel for her!)

So how do I play this people? If I don't call he says I never call (and presumably he'd think I'm not keen, when I am), if I do call I risk calling him at a time when he's in his cave (and feel like I'm bugging him and being too clingy). How often would a call be reasonable at this stage in the 'relationship'?

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:42:26

Sorry I think he's treating you really shabbily and I don't get how you are ok with him having sex with other women, I'd bet my bottom dollar he's talking to other women at the very least.

He doesn't initiate or get back to you because he's basically not that interested, nobody is that busy!

You are already chasing him, I'd advise you stop it and see if he gets in touch, it really doesn't have to be this complicated, it is because he's messing you about and likes to have you hanging on whilst he checks out other potential shags.

LadyFadgina Wed 07-Sep-16 16:58:14

Thanks adora I do think you are right because I feel like I'm chasing and for this reason I have not contacted him and waiting to see what he comes back with, I'm hoping tonight he'll get in touch.

I honestly don't think he's sleeping with anyone else, it's a gut feeling I've got, he's a good, kind guy. Maybe he is chatting with others, but then again, so am I. I think it's fairly standard practice at this stage in dating (1 month) someone to keep options open while you get to know the person you are dating. That's not to say you are sleeping with others.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 17:11:08

Why stay on a dating site then?

If you are advanced enough to be having regular sex then I think expecting that person to not be fishing online is perfectly acceptable, in my book anyway but I guess we are all different.

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Sep-16 17:15:21

My advice would be to avoid moody men like the plague. Especially avoid moody men who complain you don't call them when they don't call you.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 17:16:47

A moody sod - after a month - red flag.
A kind person wouldn't ignore your texts.
I don't know why you don't think he's dating others - he's not even easy to get in touch with, he surely doesn't work 247 so what's keeping him busy I wonder.
As you say, cool off, let him come to you, it's not hard.

WorkAccount Wed 07-Sep-16 17:21:48

I would honestly want to say "I am pissed of being the one expected to call you, call me when your ready"

BubblingUp Wed 07-Sep-16 17:23:27

Are you afraid if you back off and let him initiate contact, he won't?

Shayelle Wed 07-Sep-16 17:28:47

What ImperialBlether said

LadyFadgina Wed 07-Sep-16 18:14:08

Thanks everyone, I know exactly what you are talking about and yes I need a big slap, with any other guy I'd have kicked him to the kerb but there is something really special about this one that I can't put my finger on.
He could well be dating, (it's fairly standard game to be doing this at this stage in dating, until you've had the exclusive chat) but it doesn't scare me, if he thinks he can find something better then good luck to him, I know the connection we have got is difficult to find, maybe he needs to find that out for himself and going on dates with others will show him that.
Moody is maybe the wrong word, he's introverted and deep thinking and likes his own space.
I hate it when men come on strong - it completely puts me off them, for me that is a red flag, but this one is clearly different, he's taking it slowly not getting caught up as we figure each other out, and I think this is actually sensible.
bubbling in some ways I am, but it's more a point of that I am less pragmatic than him and wear my heart on my sleeve and have no patience or willpower so when I want to hear from him I text him, which always happens to be first. maybe it's me coming on too strong confused and I need to chill the eff out.

CwtchMeQuick Wed 07-Sep-16 18:36:12

Imo men don't tend worry about coming across as clingy or coming on to strong, if a man wants to call you he'll call you, if he wants to text he'll text. So I see no reason a woman shouldn't do the same. I'm not saying phone him every night, but if you get home from work and fancy a chat then give him a call.

However, saying that I'd be put off if it was always me initiating contact. Does he call you?

LadyFadgina Wed 07-Sep-16 18:53:20

Thanks Cwutch that really is so helpful.
He does, in fact he rang me the other day out of the blue between meetings at work as I texted I wasn't feeling well. Which was lovely. I said it was lovely to hear his voice, he said likewise and it was then that he jokingly said 'well you should call from time to time then'

HandyWoman Wed 07-Sep-16 22:18:05

Sounds as though you're at that stage when you know you definitely like them but you're feeling insecure and not confident enough to just pick up the phone. And haven't yet established a comfy way of being in touch. Been there - it's a horrible stage.

How did the fact that he's 'often not in the mood to speak to people in the evening' come up? For me this would be key to knowing if this is a red flag.

Perhaps just be more confident, maybe call him more for a short chat in the day? O would hate to be thinking I was risking catching someone I was dating in 'no mood to chat' - that's just pants.

SpiritedLondon Wed 07-Sep-16 23:00:32

Well he has given you permission to call him so perhaps he would be surprised about your concerns around this issue. Personally I would not feel comfortable doing all the work in this way.... It's not very flattering is it? Although I not keen on game playing and " the Rules" I might try and make myself a little less available to him.... perhaps you could schedule some nights out with friends. I do think some men ( and probably women) prefer someone who's slightly busy and unavailable to feeling like they have you in their pocket. I would still be enthusiastic to speak to him though if he made the effort to call.

TheNaze73 Wed 07-Sep-16 23:50:18

You shouldn't be worried this early into a relationship. Sounds like you've got too mentally involved already OP.
What have you dropped in your life to see so much of him in the last month? Just slow it down and see how it goes.
After a month, I'd be maybe seeing someone once or twice a week & maybe a text or call every other day. By the sounds of it, he's keeping his option open

LadyFadgina Thu 08-Sep-16 17:16:38

Thanks Handy its pretty obvious he's not that sociable or talkative generally, so I knew he likes his own space, and he agreed that happens some evenings. Yep it is pants Handy I hate the thought of him even thinking 'oh god, its her, I don't want to speak to her now'
Spirited you are right I don't feel particularly desired or special in his eyes because of this issue. I have done exactly that and not made myself as available to him. I hate gameplaying, I just want to be myself. I think I need to find someone similar.
Naze you are so right, I have got far too mentally involved and this has been a wake up call. I haven't dropped anything really, I've kept dates with girlfriends and family. He has been more the available one, fitting in with my schedule to be honest. I've decided to stay on the dating sites, keep chatting with other guys and maybe date if the opportunity arises (so I'm not investing anymore into this one and keeping my options open too). Maybe this one is good to keep on the backburner for casual dating for the time being, and if he wants to up his game and be more proactive maybe that could change in time, but I'm not making all the effort anymore. I'm worth more than that.

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