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Can't move on from sexting

(50 Posts)
user1472925240 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:24:08

I'm sorry for this very long post in advance, and it might be a bit garbled. I am desperate for advice as I can't talk to anyone and I don't have anyone else's input on this at all, I'm driving myself mad.

I have been with DH for 9 years. Met online. Been married for 7 years and have four kids, one who is 12 from a previous relationship, she calls him Dad and he has raised her. I moved miles away from home to be with him, new job, lost friends, grew away from family, etc.

A few weeks ago I found out that he used Skype to chat to women on the Internet. Our eldest daughter had found the messages on his phone early this year - he begged her not to tell me, and told her the messages were from years ago. Apparently he was deleting the apps when she just happened upon the messages (she uses his phone for Youtube or whatever.) The messages I found when I looked were from early last year.

He says he was looking for advice on how to deal with teenagers one night when I wasn't here and "one thing led to another" - I saw some messages on my laptop skype history, "drunk and horny" - that type of thing. He says he was looking at their cameras, he didn't have his on, he just sent pictures. He had also downloaded KIK messenger and chatted to girls on there and swapped pictures. He said he did it just three times, but of course he is only going to tell me what I found out myself.

When I first found out, he swore they were from years ago, before we met and that he downloaded the apps again to delete the pictures and messages. It went a few days and then I found the history and it was more recent, last year like I said. (sorry I'm waffling.)

Anyway, I'm absolutely devastated. I've told him I'll stay until Christmas, see if I feel any better. I run over it all in my head and I feel like the relationship is lost - how can I trust him again? I have had issues in the past with trust (he knows about it) and I could never see myself trusting anyone again because I was so damaged from before, and yet he has still done this to me. I can't believe it, and I can't get my head around it. There was also another weird incident - I found a used condom in the (clean) washing ages ago. I called him and went mad, and he said he had no idea where it had come from. We both laughed it off and assumed it had come from the back garden, maybe someone had walked it in, or it had got caught on the washing from the back garden from next door chucking it over or whatever. I thought we were both genuinely confused by it and it was a silly thing but now it doesn't seem so innocent.

He is gutted too. All we've done is cry and he can't believe he has done this to me. He promises that he is telling the truth now, the whole truth and he has genuinely been trying to make things better. He said he must have been mad to do it, etc etc. He says it was just three times and he knew it was wrong after the third time and stopped doing it, deleted the apps and then he downloaded them to delete the stuff, and that's when our daughter found them.

We're trying to move on. We have young kids, finances are tied - I do love him and I trusted him with my life - this has been such a shock. At times I think I can move on and chalk it up to a mistake but I can't believe he would hurt me like this and I just break down at the thought of it.

Sorry for the long ramble. I am just desperate to tell someone, I can't tell anyone and I don't have anyone's advice except his - I just cry and feel so sad for what I feel we have lost. I don't know what to do to feel better. Will I ever feel better?

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:31:57

Sorry but I wouldn't believe a word of what he says and I think he is a complete liar and a cheat and you'd be a million times better off without him.

you can't keep brushing it under the carpet, he has no respect for you and is making a laughing stock not just out of himself but you too, in fact, he sounds like a sex pest online.

Please value yourself a bit more and send him packing - he's crying cos you have caught him out - AGAIN, that is all.

You will feel better if you get rid of him, at least temporarily, to let yourself grieve over what you thought you had, think about what you want and make a sensible decision, you wont be able to do any of that if he just carries on with his cushy life.

How will he ever learn if you keep pretending it's ok, it's really not.

SlowJinn Wed 07-Sep-16 15:34:43

Book yourself some one to one counselling and talk it all through with someone impartial. Would he go with you for couples therapy? Is he devastated at what he's done or devastated at being found out?

You poor thing, my heart goes out to you. You WILL feel better but you can't forgive and forget this without taking some action.
Whatever his excuses, however much you want the marriage to work, get yourself a support network in place.

timelytess Wed 07-Sep-16 15:35:35

He's only 'gutted' at being caught.
Get your ducks in a row and get rid.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:38:23

Sorry to sound harsh but the truth can be brutal, I also think he's been doing this for years and if cameras are involved, do you mean web camming?

You need to draw the line here now OP.

He also `swore` on being truthful then you find out he wasn't, so, no, sorry I'd not believe any of it, in fact I think what you know is the tip of the iceberg.

Time to get angry and show him you are not going to tolerate his crap anymore.

user1472925240 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:47:06

Yes, webcam. We used to do that - years ago before we moved in together as we lived miles apart. It was a bit of fun and now he's done it with others. I have told him that I assume this has been going on for years and that I am not stupid, etc. He swears he just did it those three times.
I know I sound pathetic like I am defending him but he was the perfect husband - we had such a perfect life. Always skint, but it didn't matter because we had each other, etc. I'm not afraid of being alone, I lived on my own for years before I met him. I just think that there is something worth saving, and sometimes I really do believe it was a really crappy mistake that he made. Other times, I think he is lying and has always been lying, etc. I know what some people are capable of.

I know no-one deserves to be cheated on or hurt like this, but I've been through a lot, he knows I have all these issues. It hurts so much.

Since I found out he has changed. He has been more open and a bit more domesticated (I know this counts for nothing.) I don't think he's upset because he got caught - he's upset that I am such a mess. I have a few days where I'm OK and then other times I just want to run as far away as I possibly can.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:53:16

Yeah he will play the game OP but give it time and he will be back to his old tricks.

I'm afraid your acceptance and excuses for him are just allowing it to continue so not much else I can advise as I think if you allow him to stay you are making a massive mistake.

3 times my arse.

Are you not actually going to give him any consequence for what he has done, you feel shit because you are accepting it, nothing will change, he will just hid it better.

For your own sanity ask him to go and allow you to think on your own fgs, surely he can do that for you if he's so sorry for what he has done.

I think he is more sorry you found out.

TheNaze73 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:55:19

OP, it sounds like you're defending the cheating twat. He has no respect for you & is sticking two fingers up at your relationship

user1472925240 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:58:54

I know. I hate the way I am. I hate myself, I hate everything and I have done since I found out. I think I'm just pretending none of this has happened and acting as normal, then I just start shaking and can't function thinking about it.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Wed 07-Sep-16 16:00:32

He can't believe he's done it to you?

What, has he only just discovered he's been doing it too? Oh no, he knew all along. What he can't believe is that you've discovered it and he's having to face the consequences.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:02:10

Get your friends round or at least one, you need comfort and support but not from him!

Get him out OP, I think you are probably still in shock, you poor thing, sorry but I think he's not worth your tears, easy for me to say yes but just look at his actions, words are cheap, he will say whatever he needs to say to make you think it's not so bad...........be kind to yourself and tell as many folk as you want, this is him that has ruined everything, not you.

user1472925240 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:05:21

I haven't got any friends, sad as that is. I moved miles away and left everything behind, I'm alone. I thought I had him, and that we were solid and I didn't need anyone else. How stupid I've been.

I feel like I have lost everything. I have to be strong every day for our kids, and I'm just falling apart.

BeMorePanda Wed 07-Sep-16 16:06:33

so he's only done it 3 times, and each time he has been caught!

Wow he really thinks you are very stupid and/or so desperate to believe him you will believe anything.

Sorry are going through this. Your H is clearly taking the deny, lie, minimize, lie, etc cliched route that you see so often used by cheating men on here. It's like they go to night classes together.

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 07-Sep-16 16:06:44

Urgh. What a sleaze. He sounds revolting. Hold your head up and move on. Do you really want this in your life? Oh, and he's crying because he got caught. I doubt he was deleting the apps - more likely using them.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:07:23

We all needs friends, that's a real shame.
Can you call your mum?
A neighbour, a parent?

You are carrying his guilt, get him out, I can't say it enough.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:08:46

You are not stupid!

You trusted him, he's broken it, time and time again or else you are going to find yourself back on here very soon.

BeMorePanda Wed 07-Sep-16 16:09:00

I haven't got any friends, sad as that is. I moved miles away and left everything behind, I'm alone. I thought I had him, and that we were solid and I didn't need anyone else.
And it would seem your H is now happy to exploit your position to try to manipulate you to suck it all up and play happy families with him while he does what he wants. angry

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:13:02

Yes I think he is playing on the fact that you seem entirely dependant on him for everything - you don't have to be though, go get an appointment at CAB, find out your rights and what you would be entitled to - you can share the care of the kids with him and he can carry on his seedy little lifestyle away from your eyes.

DoinItFine Wed 07-Sep-16 16:14:25

You are seriously planning to live with a man who coerced your pre-teen daughter into lying to you?

Really?

user1472925240 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:17:28

I didn't think that I was dependent on him. This has made me look at everything - how we both live, the free time we have, how hard we work, etc. I've started to feel like I was just a cook/cleaner/babysitter. I've done everything, or the vast majority of it, for years.

Buzzardbird Wed 07-Sep-16 16:18:03

He taking you for a ride OP.

Decide what you want but he is cheating on you.

Read up on 'the script', minimizing is a big 'tell'.

user1472925240 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:19:32

She kept it to herself for 4 months. I was gutted for her - she saw all the pictures and everything. He bought her a pair of trainers to keep her quiet, and also insinuated that her wayward behaviour had led him to stray. (She can be a handful at times.)

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:19:52

So as well as a cheating lying scumbag he's also a useless partner, I am sorry OP but he can't possibly love you enough, if you truly love your partner and are committed to them, you wouldn't want to do what he has done. I bet he's on dating sites too.

Angry on your behalf, you can do so much better than him. Be on your own, at least you won't have to police a sleaze anymore.

user1472925240 Wed 07-Sep-16 16:24:47

I thought all of this, adora1, it's like you know the side of me that thinks these thoughts, but I push them away - I can't help it, and then days like today I just feel like my heart is breaking and because I've told no-one, I can't discuss it and I don't get anyone else's perspective. I know I should be strong enough to know my own mind but I'm just a mess at the moment. As time goes on, the memory of the details fades, I block it out, but the betrayal - the lies, they stay. Sexting is cheating to me, it always was, always will be. And he knew that and did it anyway.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Sep-16 16:25:14

He crossed a line more than once. As for asking dd1 to keep a secret from you, well that's despicable. Your update on that is sickening. I don't know if couples counselling is even a good idea because he has already concocted some convoluted explanation. The more I think of it I think he is lucky not to be out on his ear.
Don't feel you have to stick to that deadline (especially an emotive time like Christmas), will you. I wonder how the nice guy act will go on for.

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