Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Caught the cheating scumbag - what docs do I need before I confront?

(24 Posts)
Sweetlittleevilme Wed 07-Sep-16 01:03:04

Hi all, just after a bit of advice. I managed to obtain video evidence of my husband of three years cheating on me today. I have stored that away safely and he has no idea what I've seen - I'm just about managing to act normal.

I know the standard advice on here is to gather copies of documents etc and see a lawyer before confronting husband, but I suppose my question is - what docs do I need to copy and why? We don't have any joint finances (he came into the marriage with a history of debt and CCJ's and I wanted to keep my credit score high). The house (bought two years ago) is in my name - I know that doesn't count for much when you're married, but he has barely contributed a bean since we've lived here. I pay the mortgage, all the bills, I've loaned him about £4K to cover his own bills in the last few months (I have a paper trail of this in my bank statements). He currently has personal debts of about £7k but these are in his name only. We don't have any kids.

I want to be in the strongest position possible when I eventually reveal what I know, so grateful for any advice. Also, where do I stand on changing the locks? I don't want him anywhere near me if possible.

Thanks in advance!

ProseccoBitch Wed 07-Sep-16 01:11:28

No experience to offer practical advice, but I have been cheated on, so just a big virtual hug and I'm thinking of you x

Sweetlittleevilme Wed 07-Sep-16 01:13:10

Thank you - I'm feeling quite detached from it all at the moment but it's probably only a matter of time before I fall to pieces so I appreciate it!

ProseccoBitch Wed 07-Sep-16 01:21:51

Shock maybe? It never ceases to amaze me what other people are capable of. You sound really strong, good luck!

CathyODermie Wed 07-Sep-16 01:53:34

Hi sweet. Just wanted you to know I'm going through a similar thing right now. I discovered my dh's betrayal only 6 hours ago and I'm in shock too. I posted on chat.
I'm not sure whether to confront as I haven't the evidenc that you have.
But I just wanted to say I know how you feel. It's shit isn't it.

OlennasWimple Wed 07-Sep-16 02:16:18

I think you need to have the originals of things like birth certificates (yours, DC's), passports, national insurance cards, health records etc etc so that if for any reason you have to leave the house and not come back until he has finished doing crazy things you have the essentials

good luck

AcrossthePond55 Wed 07-Sep-16 02:18:21

You need to see a solicitor pronto.

My understanding is that you can't change locks on a marital home no matter whose name it's in.

Deeds, bills, bank statements, any proof you have showing that money was a loan and not a gift.

Sweetlittleevilme Wed 07-Sep-16 02:21:10

It is shit and I'm really sorry you're going through the same thing Cathy. The one thing I have learned today is that while evidence is obviously important, so is trusting your instincts. I'd suspected my husband and this girl for a while, but every time I questioned him about it, he made me feel like i was being ridiculous - to the point that I even apologised to him for doubting him. I wish I'd trusted myself more now.

I hope you get the support you need too X

Sweetlittleevilme Wed 07-Sep-16 02:22:29

Thanks Olennas and AcrossthePond, that's really useful.

CathyODermie Wed 07-Sep-16 02:25:44

Ahh sweet, it's clear that those who are deceitful probably want to do anything to cover up their behaviour.
I can't wait to confront my DH (feel like writing BDH [bastard dear husband]).
I have to prepare in my head first I think that our marriage is really over. It really hasn't been great for years.
But it still hurts so very much to find out that someone your marry with the best intentions ends up betraying you so badly.
Do you have DCs?

Sweetlittleevilme Wed 07-Sep-16 02:32:53

No DCs - didn't feel like it at the time but now it's something I'm grateful for. I know exactly what you mean about getting your head round the fact the marriage is over - it doesn't feel real and it probably won't for a while. And it does hurt, especially when he's acting completely normal, as if butter wouldn't melt (am guessing your BDH is being the same). It's shocking really how good a liar he is.

Dailymailisacrapnewspaper Wed 07-Sep-16 02:37:29

3 years is a short marriage (not a legal term) . Given that it is also childless you should read up on short marriage divorces. You may be able to argue that all debts and assets remain your own (which in your case means you get the asset and he keeps the debt)

If he has a car then find the log book. He needs that to sell it and you may be able to use it as leverage over the debt to you.

Dailymailisacrapnewspaper Wed 07-Sep-16 02:49:03

Oh and make sure that you have all of the spare sets of car keys.

Fidelia Wed 07-Sep-16 03:44:05

So sorry to hear this.

Did you live together first? Nowadays, any time cohabiting is added to the length of the marriage to asses whether it's a short marriage etc.

In short marriages, both partners tend to leave with what they brought to the marriage. Otherwise, it starts at 50/50. That includes all debts, assets (incl pensions, house, savings, shares, businesses).

It's helpful to have:

- a copy of his latest three payslips and his P60, or his tax return
- details of all his bank accounts, credit cards & loans
- the original marriage certificate (you need this to file for divorce)
- Proof of ID for you (photo ID plus proof of address - to sign up with the solicitor)
- His make & model of car and his car reg
- Copies of his most recent pension(s) statement(s)
- Copies of any share certificates/life insurance policies etc

Be warned that if it is not considered a short marriage and if you earn significantly more than him, you might end up having to pay him spousal maintenance and/or a larger share of the assets.

MrsBertBibby Wed 07-Sep-16 04:59:32

Please don't steal and copy his documents. Documents (including copies) obtained in this way are of no use to anyone. Your solicitor can't keep them and the court may well exclude them.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 07-Sep-16 05:10:53

They may not be admissible in court but they are a valuable tool to determine truthfulness in disclosing financial information.

I agree don't steal them. But do copy them and put them back. At the least write down pertinent information from them.

Trifleorbust Wed 07-Sep-16 05:24:37

You're certainly not guaranteed to keep the house or any other assets, OP, very sorry. You should therefore be carefully gathering any evidence at all of your contribution to the marriage - salary, pensions, house deeds, insurance documentation, credit cards, loans etc. Then go for legal advice before you tell him you have found him out, the cheating bastard.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 07-Sep-16 05:33:40

I have no experience of admissibility in court. However, you would also be wise to get proof of the state of his finances when going into the marriage and perhaps when you first started living together. So proof of these debts and I'd get the info on the CCJ's although I expect the latter would be inadmissible. Any written proof that you leant him 4K. If he only recently started earning substantially more, I would also get proof of his income from the duration of the marriage. You say you pay the bills, this will be on the bank statements. Proof of his loan.

Cathy, sweet. flowers

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 07-Sep-16 05:37:32

Also I've seen on here that women in the same situation with arsehole financially abusive husbands where the house isn't in their name are advised to obtain a piece of paperwork giving them the rights to their share the house. Don't know what it's called. Your solicitor or the cab should be able to advise you on this. However, my point is if this will strengthen his case, to try and get him out before he files for this document. So seeing the solicitor first is likely your best option.

BreatheDeep Wed 07-Sep-16 07:44:07

You can change to locks on a marital home but if he somehow manages to get in anyway (break a window or something) there's nothing you can do as it's his house too. If you go down that route, he might change the locks on you too...

TheNaze73 Wed 07-Sep-16 07:59:05

Get some legal advice op ASAP. The spousal maintenance bit, concerns me

Improvisingnow Wed 07-Sep-16 08:22:56

I think you have been very sensible in protecting yourself as well as possible. Do take copies of all the documents Fedelia mentioned and keep a set away from the house. You will need your original marriage certificate.

I agree that you should take legal advice as your H is going to jib at losing his meal ticket and it is important to be comfortable that your choice is going to be tough and proactive. I'm afraid lawyers are like anyone else and some are just ballsier than others. You may be able to get an initial consultation free although IME they are pretty scarce, but you would be daft to press ahead without taking legal advice even if you have to pay for it. Your starting point is the Law Society's list for family and relationship lawyers in your area.List but if you live in an expensive area like London then do consider using a lawyer from a cheaper area. You can always do the initial conversation by telephone or Skype.

To save costs, have an initial meeting/call with them where you go armed with a list of questions and note down the answers. You can get through a lot in half an hour. After that you can decide how much ongoing involvement you need from them once you have all the facts.

Good luck.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 07-Sep-16 10:09:29

He won't get spousal maintenance.
He hasn't given up anything.
Not his career to raise kids or anything like that.
It's too short a marriage for that anyway.
But definitely lawyer up and get all the advice you can.
He may be very reasonable about it all but most of the time they aren't.
So be ready!

andythro77 Fri 09-Sep-16 12:22:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now