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He wont stop using porn.

(63 Posts)
onetiredmum Tue 06-Sep-16 21:10:37

Hi. This is my first post and I am absolutely desperate for some help. My OH and i have been married for 15 years. On and off ive know hes used porn but weve discussed it and hes always stopped.
The last 3 years weve had sex about 10 times max. I knew deep down something was up. Anyway back in March I checked his history to find LOTS of porn. However, everynight when I go to sleep he stays up to use it. He even used it on our wedding anniversary and left me in bed alone.

After he couldnt get an erection when I tried to turn him on I broached the subject. Only to be told he is no longer attracted to me, cant get an erection with me and wants to want me as he 'knows im gorgeous' but he just doesnt.

We split up and Hence I was heartbroken. He moved into the spare room and reputedly apologised after seeing the hurt. He has moved heaven and earth to sort things out for us to try and recover from the past 3 years. Weve been having counselling, which is OK and about 4 weeks ago he moved back into our bed. and everything seemed to be going well.

However he is now away for a week. I have looked at his history ( yeah I know I shouldnt but its killing me) and every morning and night hes using porn again!!! And lots of it. He clearly doesnt realise I can still see everything! Im heartbroken.
A girl at work says im being unreasonable, as hes away and he should be allowed but I cant help but feel betrayed, especially after what we have been through the past few month's and trying desperately to salvage our marriage he is now like a kid in a sweet shop and its killing me.
Ive said time and time again its the end. And last time I genuinely thought it was.
But he has been sooo lovely and I forgave him.
Please can somebody tell me.if I am overreacting? Has he crossed the line now? I feel like hes launched himself across it!

Please help

QuiteLikely5 Tue 06-Sep-16 21:13:24

Genuine question: how can you see someone's web history who is not in the same place as you?

onetiredmum Tue 06-Sep-16 21:22:24

he is signed in to Google Chrome. Everything he searches for and looks at is registered. I just sign in and can see everything.

Forgettheworld Tue 06-Sep-16 21:27:37

If he's using porn day and night t sounds like he's addicted. Have you mentioned the porn in counselling?

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 06-Sep-16 21:27:39

Has he crossed the line now? I feel like hes launched himself across it!

Tbh, it doesn't matter if anyone else thinks he's crossed the line. You think he's launched himself across it.

FWIW, I would agree with you.

But then, I wouldn't have taken him back after, 1) no sex and being ignored due to his excessive porn use; 2) him being unable to get an erection due to his excessive porn use; 3) him telling me that he was no longer attracted to me and that was why he couldn't get an erection with me, thus making it my 'fault'.

I kicked my husband out for far, far less than yours has done!

onetiredmum Tue 06-Sep-16 21:48:45

Yes we have spoke about it im counselling and he has come across as a guy who would never touch it again, a completely transformed man? Think he even had the counsellor convinced?

Thelastroseofsummer. Thankyou. Everyone has been saying that im over reacting as its just a bit of porn? But I feel its more that that now?
I cant help but feel if the second his back was turned if I was having phone/webcam sex with some random man he would have something to say about it. Especially if that same person was the reason our marriage has fallen apart?!!

Hes not back for another week and its driving me mad. He calls every night with all love and excitement like butter wouldnt melt. Then I see his browsing history and im truly shocked. I feel sick.

Im scared of being alone after 15 years!!! But dont want to live like this. Omg this is killing me.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 06-Sep-16 21:59:18

Tbh, it's not about a bit of porn. It's about you setting a boundary for yourself and him not respecting it. It's about him making you a promise and then breaking it. It's about the huge sense of betrayal that you feel.

I wouldn't be able to trust him again. And that is what would signal the end for me. Not the porn.

Although, you opened your post by saying you'd discussed it over the years and he's always stopped. This suggests that he has form for making and breaking promises to you regarding this. It would have been game over for me the first time he broke that promise.

But dont want to live like this ok. What can you do about it?

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 06-Sep-16 22:00:08

Oh and just to clarify that, the porn would have been the end of it for me in the early days. Given that you have tolerated it for so long, it would be the betrayal and destruction of trust that killed the relationship/love for me now.

kaputt Tue 06-Sep-16 22:07:11

People will say it's not the porn that's the problem and that might be true, but it definitely doesn't help and it means he can avoid thinking about your relationship, because he's trained himself to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. I don't believe occasional porn use is directly harmful (to the viewer- the ethics of porn are shady at best), but if you base your sexuality there then it seems logical that 'real' sex will stop seeming asappealing, and even if you're trying to 'retrain' it would be very easy to turn back to the thing you know and find comforting at times like this, when you're away from home.

I don't have any advice, it's shit and I don't know if there's a solution. I'm sorry!

onetiredmum Tue 06-Sep-16 22:08:28

Thankyou. Your post means alot to me. I couldnt have put it better. I just feel like I need to gain a pair of balls now.

Fontella Tue 06-Sep-16 22:51:24

He can no longer have sex with you because he gets his kicks wanking off to online porn which he watches morning, noon and night.

How in hell are you 'overreacting' if you don't mind me asking?

Do you think this is an acceptable way to live?

You've been through counselling, you've gone years with next to no sex, you've slept in separate rooms and you've done everything you can to save your relationship with this man... whereas he continues to get his thrills via the computer screen.

If you want to carry on living like this, then that is your choice.

But if you don't, then you know what you have to do.

Iflyaway Tue 06-Sep-16 23:08:10

Don't listen to people who tell you anything shit at work. They are not living your life.

Time to become independent. Why are you living this life you hate?

You know, you really don't need someone in your life who disrespects you. And especially not someone you are married to.

And as for family or society who you are listening to (put up and shut up), fuck that.

It's not the 50's! It's 2016 and you have the right to live life as you want it.

Reading stuff like this I'm so glad I'm a single independently working mum! Cos I get to chose whatever happens in the life of me and my child. (well, apart from natural disasters obviously..).

Time to retake the power that is in there screaming to get out! Good luck! You can do it!

AnyFucker Tue 06-Sep-16 23:11:39

He hasn't "stopped" ever

He won't ever stop

Time for you to decide if this pathetic pornhound is good enough for you. I say not.

Montane50 Tue 06-Sep-16 23:28:41

Id say why not wait til he comes home? See if hes back to the old routine or comes back and is still trying to make amends?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Wed 07-Sep-16 00:12:54

Is it porn or webcams.... Girls he pays for etc?

Go with your instinct on this one op, youve been through enough

Isetan Wed 07-Sep-16 10:49:32

You snooped because deep down you know this is who he is and who he's always been, isn't it time you stop colluding with him in pretending it isn't.

The price of being with this guy is this and if you insist on staying with him, you have to pay that price.

Good luck.

RestlessTraveller Wed 07-Sep-16 11:01:04

I think the use of porn is ok in a relationship. But this is your relationship and if it's a deal breaker for you then you have to end it or you will forever be unhappy.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Wed 07-Sep-16 11:03:47

He is married and committed to porn not you. Time to let go.

ElspethFlashman Wed 07-Sep-16 11:04:45

For Gods sake screencap his history. He'll deny it till he's blue in the face.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 11:41:11

Yuck, what an absolute creep!

Time to call it a day OP, this is not as relationship of any kind, staying only keeps you in a perpetual bubble of mistrust and feeling crap, time for you to break free from this horrible disgusting man.

Jayne35 Wed 07-Sep-16 11:43:43

Op look at at a website called nofap, there are lots of women in similar situations as your OH is clearly an addict for whom marriage counselling won't work - he will need a sex addiction counsellor (they aren't so easy to lie to). That said, if he won't admit a problem then LTB now. I have never said that on MN before but I should have left my DH when porn was first an issue, years ago.

And for those who post the porn is harmless spiel, I'm sure it is for people who don't have addictive personalities, or those who are happy to turn a blind eye to the nastiness of the industry. Since looking up porn addiction I'm shocked at the amount of men (and some women) with a problem. ED while still a teenager is now a common problem.

onetiredmum Wed 07-Sep-16 13:13:41

Jayne35. Sorry to be useless but what is LTB?

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 13:18:10

Leave the Bastard OP.

adora1 Wed 07-Sep-16 13:22:53

You are not useless but you need to get rid of your useless OH.

It's not harmless, he clearly has a major problem, and doesn't seem to give a fuck about actually doing anything about it. Stop listening to people who know nothing about your real situation.

You must know you deserve a million times better than him and could have it once you get rid of this embarrassment.

Also, if he is accessing porn morning and night, he better be careful at his work, folk get sacked for this kind of thing.

You don't even know what he is accessing, he could be web camming and/or watching stuff that's really not acceptable.

Helmetbymidnight Wed 07-Sep-16 13:35:37

People are telling you its fine/normal that a DH can't shag his wife more than 3 times a year and can't get an erection because of his non-stop porn use??!!?!

WOW.

I wouldn't put up with it, OP.

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