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Is my husband lying or am I overreacting?

(27 Posts)
LoubieLolo Tue 06-Sep-16 08:53:41

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, married for 4 and have two kids, 6 and 2. He works away from home Mon-Fri while I work FT and look after the kids. We’ve struggled in this time, had ups and downs, as he’s tired at weekends and often distant and sleeping lots so doesn’t always spend as much as time as a family as I‘d like. To be honest I’m tired then as well and we have the kids activities and housework to do so sometimes get into a rut. Every month we try to have one night out which is great and we enjoy it.
Anyway last year I discovered that he had been texting a girl from work saying things like “need to see your beautiful smile again”, which really hurt me. He said that she was going through a difficult time and he was trying to cheer her up, which hurt as I was also going through a difficult time being made redundant and coping with a difficult toddler and felt like I got little support from him. He agreed that it was inappropriate and that he wouldn’t do anything like that again.

Then earlier this year he started a new job. He was working late and a few times he said that he was working too late to get the train home on Friday night and came home Saturday afternoon. Then one weekend he said he was working too late again so came home on the Saturday night. I found a receipt on the bed from a cocktail bar dated the Friday night and was devastated at the thought that he would lie like that. He admitted doing this several times before and we had a long talk where he promised not to do it again and said that he lied because it’s easier. We said that we would make more time for each other.

This weekend I found a text to his friend where he sent a photo of a girl and “this is the girl I’m teaching guitar (smiley face)”. I know I shouldn’t have looked but something made me do it. Now I just don’t know what to think. I asked him to talk about what he gets up to while he’s away as I felt I didn’t really know, he talked about being in a band and how he works late mostly. I asked him if there was anything else he did with his time and he said no.

So now I just don’t know what to think. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but I just feel he’s lying again. Maybe it’s innocent but then why lie? I’m all over the place and don’t know whether I’m overreacting.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

bomfunk Tue 06-Sep-16 08:58:44

Emotional affair at the very least sad He's a prick. I'm so sorry flowers

EarthboundMisfit Tue 06-Sep-16 09:01:45

I think he's lying and you are not overreacting.

LoubieLolo Tue 06-Sep-16 09:16:39

Thank you. I think I just needed to hear what other people thought as he has this way of making me feel responsible when he lies. I don't know what to do. If I confront him about he'll be furious I looked at his phone and it will be my fault. Then I'll end up being the one trying to work things out. I just feel so sad about it.

Mommasoph30 Tue 06-Sep-16 12:02:44

what a douche.
leave him !

faffalotty Tue 06-Sep-16 12:25:26

So sorry to hear your story OP

It sounds very familiar to me unfortunately. The repeated lying because 'it is easier' - has he also said that you would get the wrong impression?
He's messing you about and it needs putting a stop to now. He needs to own up to what he is doing and make changes to stop it, otherwise it will just carry on and destroy your relationship.

Branleuse Tue 06-Sep-16 12:28:31

hes lying. Sorry OP sad x

TheNaze73 Tue 06-Sep-16 12:34:57

Sadly the guitar isn't the only thing I think she's strumming OP. He's being blatant & you deserve better OP. He's got form & stealth boast or not to his friend, the intent is there

rumred Tue 06-Sep-16 12:36:12

dont feel bad about looking at his phone, hes a liar, you did the right thing. he sounds like he isnt commited to you. hope you work out what you want

adora1 Tue 06-Sep-16 12:38:15

From what you say I'm afraid I'd have no trust in this man.

Buzzardbird Tue 06-Sep-16 12:39:10

The girl in the photo could be a red herring and he is just bragging about teaching an attractive girl to his friend.
It is the other behaviour that needs looking at closer.

DollyBarton Tue 06-Sep-16 12:40:55

Aw OP, I think you've done your best to believe in him but he's certainly cheating on you emotionally and I would be very very surprised if not physically too. I think you need to deal with this and make plans for an independent future. This is the beginning of a hard period of your life but it should lead to a better one than you would have staying with someone who is in no hurry to get home to his wife and children. He's terribly selfish.

Cinnamon2013 Tue 06-Sep-16 12:40:59

You deserve better than this. Time to confront him and move on.

Cinnamon2013 Tue 06-Sep-16 12:41:16

Move on without him, I mean.

PragmaticWench Tue 06-Sep-16 12:46:47

Think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life feeling unsure of your relationship. That's a huge and stressful thing to live with.

He is making you feel unsure of yourself when you confront his lies, that's pretty shitty behaviour and unfair on you. Why would he do that? Because he doesn't respect you.

AnyFucker Tue 06-Sep-16 12:49:49

He is playing away, sorry.

allthecarbs Tue 06-Sep-16 12:57:43

It doesn't sound good does it.
Does he ring you the nights he's away? What took him so long to come back both times?

PickledCauliflower Tue 06-Sep-16 13:14:21

The not coming home Friday nights, because he is socialising (and not working late) would alone make me angry. He is away from home more than he is there - he should be making every effort to get back to his family whenever possible.
His other behaviour sounds pretty dodgy and he has lied.
I don't blame you for looking at his phone either. You probably needed confirmation as you are (rightly) suspicious.

Fontella Tue 06-Sep-16 13:14:42

You don't know what to think?


Away all week.
Texting other women.
Going out to bars on a Friday night rather that getting home to his wife and family.
Giving 'guitar lessons' hmm to attractive young women and sending photos of them to his mates.
Lying through his teeth about all of the above until he gets caught out then follows the script and minimises like a seasoned hand.

Innocent? Over reacting? Benefit of the doubt?

There's no doubt love. None at all.

LoubieLolo Tue 06-Sep-16 13:30:56

Thanks for everyone's honesty. I'm sitting here trying to work and just shaking, on the verge of tears. In some respects it's almost a relief to have other people agree with me that it's dodgy as I'm always made out to be unreasonable for not trusting him and end up feeling like I'm some crazy jealous person.

I still don't understand the Friday night thing, regardless of what he thinks about me I just don't understand not coming home to see your children!

I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the week, but I'm going to tell him what I know on Saturday night. I honestly don't know what the best way forward is and I have no idea how I'm going to cope confronting him. Please wish me luck.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 06-Sep-16 13:50:00

I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt
He's basically a lying, cheating scumbag.
Don't tell him what you know.
Just say 'You know' and see what he admits to.
I'm sorry he's doing this to you.
But it sounds like from way back, he's been like this and you've listened to his lies and believed the unbelievable!
he was trying to cheer her up - Just WOW!!!!

EmeraldIsle100 Tue 06-Sep-16 14:34:23

Don't give him the benefit of the doubt. Myself and everyone else on this thread would bet their house that you are not a crazy jealous woman. Your instinct is spot on and you are not overreacting.

If he isn't having actually having sex with other women his behaviour is completely unacceptable and anyway it is highly likely that he is having sex with other women.

Don't wait until the weekend. Text him today and tell him that you have seen the messages and that you have contacted your solicitor for advice. Then contact a solicitor and make an appointment to see where you stand financially in the event of a split. Turn off your phone so that you don't have to deal with the hysterical response from him.

How cruel is he to give support to some random woman when you are at home with a difficult toddler and facing redundancy. You really sound like a lovely person and you deserve so much better. Stop being so nice and get seriously f*****g angry. Release your inner She Devil.

We are all right behind you. Is it any wonder you are sitting at work crying? If possible leave work for the day and go home sick.

You are an incredible person, you are fully responsible for running your house single handedly, working full time, rearing two children, facing redundancy and yet still ploughin on. When you get home read these messages and take strength from us.

This doesn't automatically mean you are heading to the divorce courts and perhaps you can possibly salvage your relationship but you make damn sure that you are in the driving seat and you tell him what way things will be working from now on.

You are a brilliant example to your children. Stay strong and keep posting if you need support. I am furious on your behalf!

LoubieLolo Wed 07-Sep-16 08:18:37

So yesterday was the biggest rollercoaster of emotions. After managing to get the kids to bed I spent a long time in the bath thinking about what to do and felt quite calm about it. I decided to use every opportunity on Saturday to do some digging around on his phone to see what I find and at least to send the existing message I know about to myself. Just for my own sanity I need to have at least that message for when I make a move, otherwise it will all be turned around to my jealousy, lack of trust and I'll be made to feel that problems in the relationship are all my fault. He just doesn't see or appreciate how it makes me feel when I see photos of him on nights out with all these pretty young things from work draped all over each other, who I've never met. I'm sure if it was the other way round he's be furious at me.

Anyway, I cried all night and am struggling again this morning. I just can't believe that he would be so selfish to put everything we have and our little family at risk. After spending a bit of time reading these threads it amazes me the cruelty of these men and what they put us through. I just don't know if I can be as strong as everyone else seems to be.

So my plan is to get some evidence this weekend, give him one last chance to own up and if not, text him next week that I know what he's doing and that I'm seeing a solicitor. All contact after that will be about the kids.

Thanks to everyone who's responded and emeraldisle your post really helped, what a lovely post to read.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 07-Sep-16 08:49:12

As the saying goes;
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have!

You will be amazed at the strength you can find within yourself.
It's not easy and you will cry and sob and your heart will be literally broken.
But..... we are all here to tell you that, you do get through it.
You've no idea how or when or what happened, you just do.

I don't think you need any more 'proof'. It's not a court of law or anything like that.
But, I understand why you want it.
I needed it too.
Get digging and then take it from there.
flowers for you OP. Good luck.

Fontella Wed 07-Sep-16 11:15:04

He just doesn't see or appreciate how it makes me feel when I see photos of him on nights out with all these pretty young things from work draped all over each other, who I've never met.

Of course he does. But he knows he can get away with it. He minimises, lies and sweet talks you round, and you fall for it every time. He's got you so you don't know which way is up. Your self doubt and insecurity is apparent in your opening post about whether you are overreacting, whether you have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, and about you not knowing 'what to think' and is he 'innocent' ... when to anyone reading it, it's as plain as day that your H is a lying cheat, and worse still, one who knows he can get away with it.

Show the fucker that he can't. Your last post gives me hope that you are going to do just that.

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