Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

LTR and H not being the person I thought he was

(9 Posts)
ErnieAndBernie Tue 06-Sep-16 08:21:52

Not quite sure what I want to get out of this but I'm feeling like I need to put it down in writing as I'm feeling quite sad. A bit of background. Been with H for 18 years (married for 2). Things have not been good for some years in a fundamental way. We get on fine in a day to day way but anything deeper is difficult. We've been having counselling recently due to things coming to a head and his reaction to me saying I'd had enough. We are learning a lot about each other in counselling but I have discovered, and am struggling with the fact, that he is financially abusive. He has always been unemotional. A happy guy on the surface but kind of missing the bit that goes any deeper. I can tell from things we have discussed that somewhere in him is something deeply wrong that he either can't or won't address. I've seen it in his body language when he talks about money, his whole demeanour changes. I've told him I'm done with it all and he doesn't even seem able to come back with an emotional response. After 18 years and 2 kids. Its a bit robotic. And unnerving. And I'm now questioning everything that has gone on in the past.
I said in a session that I was now thinking that he has done things far more consciously than he ever made out. No response from him. No denial, no admittance, just a kind of slightly sad silence. I feel that I don't know him at all. For what its worth, he's not a bad man but I think he has some very hidden very screwed up parts to him that he's never addressed before. He's not the man I thought I knew.
Before anyone says, I am in the process of getting my ducks lined up and have been in touch with 3 solicitors for advice which should happen this week.
Mostly I have my practical head on but sometimes I feel like I am about to fall apart. The last 18 years of my life feel like they have been based on a lie. sad

Isetan Tue 06-Sep-16 08:54:46

What do you mean "based on a lie"? For me, the realisation of who my Ex really was, as opposed to the rationalisations I assigned to his behaviour, has been very liberating. At the end of the day, I stayed with my Ex for as long as I did because I chose to and taking back the power I surrendered to him is how I moved on.

Don't get me wrong my Ex is a dick and his recently revealed childhood trauma probably has a lot to do with it. However, an important part of the relationship postmortem for me, was acknowledging that I had choices and understanding why I made them was far more beneficial to me than bemoaning his emotional under development.

I think investing in solo counselling is a far better investment of your time and money, it was for me.

ErnieAndBernie Tue 06-Sep-16 08:59:59

I have been having solo counselling and it has helped me enormously. And I am taking back the power as I know I can't stay and I know why. I am worth much more than this.
But then you get the glimpses of the person you thought they were aside from the shit behaviour. And I think that is what is making me feel so sad about it. He is the only one who can change himself and I am coming to terms with realising I have self edited my behaviour for a long time without realising I was doing it or why. But I'm not having a good morning.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 06-Sep-16 09:20:07

You're grieving. It's really, really hard. But you will come out the other side and you will feel better, a lot better.

0dfod Tue 06-Sep-16 09:59:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ErnieAndBernie Tue 06-Sep-16 10:10:59

I never thought of it like that. But I guess that makes sense actually. The thought that at some point further down the line we are going to have to tell our 2 beautiful, happy children that we are going to split up will be like a punch in their faces. But most of all I'm struggling with his complete lack of emotion and feeling. Its awful and isolating and not normal and I'm sat here in tears because of it.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 06-Sep-16 10:13:55

It sounds like years of isolation have hit you all at once Ernie. I don't think this relationship was good for you at all, but you put a lot of effort into making it work. I know it doesn't feel like it at all but this is the right thing. You will feel totally shit for a while - go with it as much as you can and get it out of your system - but in time you will feel liberated. You will look back and wonder how you stayed with him for so long.

ErnieAndBernie Tue 06-Sep-16 10:57:42

You are right I've given it everything. And whilst I won't let it out in front of him, I won't bottle it up. I have been talking to my mum so he information is out there and it means I can't stop now. And now I need to be practical in ending it properly so we can move on in a positive way but I won't get financially screwed by him. I'll always have to have contact with him in some way so best be nice about things to start with even if I need to be watchful about what he might declare. Got a phone appointment with a solicitor on Monday. Deep breaths.

Isetan Tue 06-Sep-16 13:49:06

I've been there, there's a big part of me that believes if my hand wasn't forced (DV) I could still be with him (shudders at the thought). For me the realisation that my Ex was incapable of providing the answers to my questions was the turning point. I realised that I had spent so much time and fucking energy trying to 'understand fix' him, that I neglected the one person who could provide the answers for the things I could change and that was me.

Joint counselling provided the epiphany that Ex had some serious issues and they weren't anything to do with me but that is as far as the benefits of joint counselling went.

Despite the DV, Ex is not a bad man either but his serious issues means that any exposure to him would be detrimental to my mental health.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now