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How do I get him out of my head?

(25 Posts)
Needwantmore Tue 06-Sep-16 00:20:00

Started a new job a few months ago and I sit right opposite a good-looking guy. To start with we hardly spoke and that was fine. He then added me on FB and we sent the occasional message once/twice per week. This has escalated, to the point where we can be going back and forth with messages for two hours on an evening/weekend. We speak a lot more at work too. We were joking about one time and I ended up admitting that i liked him. Things cooled off a bit after that so I assumed he didn't feel the same, but then he restarted all the messaging and it got quite flirty. Things upped a gear at work too, with him asking me to come over to his desk to work on a few things (all actually unnecessary) and generally there was a lot of chemistry. We messaged again this evening and I said I'd had a great day, especially getting to sit next to a gorgeous guy (him obviously) and he's cut me dead again. I feel like he leads me on then cuts me down. If he's really not interested, but he knows full well that i am, why does he do this? I need to get him out of my system, but I have to work with him and am literally face-to-face with him every day. Any advice??

Babymamamama Tue 06-Sep-16 00:22:30

Don't chase him at all. Try ignoring him. Either he will lose interest or become keener. But you're being too open with your feelings and flattering him won't help.

Needwantmore Tue 06-Sep-16 01:07:13

You're right of course. It's just so bloody hard - I make my mind up to ignore him then he strikes up a conversation and starts smiling/grinning at me and I feel my resolve crumble all over again.

MistressDeeCee Tue 06-Sep-16 01:26:01

He's taking the piss. Stop buying into it. You're at work - remain professional. Don't you have any activities going on outside work that you enjoy and can occupy your time? Friends? Although you see him every day at work you can make a concerted effort to stop the nonsense - after all, he isn't your partner just a work crush. As strong as your feelings are, nothing's really gone on between you

If a man wants you then he will make that clear, and court you. Its not about FB messages for all you know you may not be the only woman he speaks to. If he hasn't asked you out, taken you out then that tells you what you need to know

Resilience16 Tue 06-Sep-16 04:01:30

Yep, got yo agree, he enjoys the flirting, probably makes his day go more quickly, but isn't after any more than that.
Put it down to experience and back off. You may feel a bit daft now, but if you carry on it won't end well.

Needwantmore Tue 06-Sep-16 07:30:24

Thanks for your honesty. Wish I could change jobs, but it took me ages to find this one.

TheNaze73 Tue 06-Sep-16 08:19:16

Sorry OP but, you need to step back here a bit. You've shown him all your cards & he knows this now.
Lighten up, be professional & keep it purely work. I think he was only in it for the chase & by the sound of it, you telling him so early on you liked him, has shown him in his true colours. Just a player, going hot & cold, it's almost textbook how to attract a girl behaviour but, he'll not back it up

Curviest Tue 06-Sep-16 08:48:27

He's playing you like a puppet to satisfy his ego. And you have fallen for it so much you are even posting on here about it! TheNaze is right.

lasttimeround Tue 06-Sep-16 08:54:02


PineappleFwitters Tue 06-Sep-16 09:14:48

Sorry OP, I've gone through something very similar recently and I agree with those saying player. He likes flirting with you as it gives him an ego boost but nothing will ever come of it. And anyway, do you really want to start something with a guy who sits opposite you every day? It would be very awkward if things didn't work out.

Needwantmore Tue 06-Sep-16 10:06:44

Oh God I feel so stupid now. This job was supposed to be my fresh start after a bad relationship - I certainly wasn't looking to start anything new, just get my confidence back really. Not the best start...

QueenSpartacusOfTheAndals Tue 06-Sep-16 11:53:33

Don't worry OP, you've not actually done anything wrong. It's not like you shagged him in the first aid room or anything like that! Just be professional and don't message him anymore.

lasttimeround Tue 06-Sep-16 12:03:53

It's OK op. You've done nowt yet. But he's dangling you cos he finds it fun. Stop being played. Be nice and friendly but clear in yourself. You've already tested the waters twice, accept the message. He'll find another target in due course. Players are dumb anyway

mumandgran61 Tue 06-Sep-16 12:22:31

Been there, done that - and did actually get a date. But, oh, was he dull! Players are only exciting when they're playing, they have no depth. Enjoy your job and concentrate on building your career. He ain't worth your time or energy.

QueenSpartacusOfTheAndals Tue 06-Sep-16 13:24:12

Tbh OP, I was in a similar situation with an ex colleague. Messaged a lot, went out a few times, snogged, and it was great. But he kept blowing hot and cold and now I've not seen him for weeks. I spent too long beating myself up about what I might've done to turn him off before realising that he's just a player and probably has a few women lined up. Your colleague sounds pretty much the same so just be glad it didn't go further than flirting. Don't be unfriendly (certainly don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he's upset you), just be professional and it'll all be fine.

Needwantmore Tue 06-Sep-16 17:54:35

I totally get what you're all saying. I guess I got taken in because there seemed to be more to him - yes some messages were a bit risque, but in others he's be finding my favourite music on YouTube and sending me links, we'd both be listening and then share our thoughts. He sent me snaps from his recent holiday, he was the only one of my FB friends to ask if I was ok after a recent prang in my car (doesn't say much for my other friends admittedly). I guess I felt close to him, what a fool I am.

PineappleFwitters Tue 06-Sep-16 21:45:49

Same here OP, but we live and learn. It's perfectly normal to feel a bit foolish but you've done nothing wrong.

Any chance you could change desks though, if you really can't handle sitting opposite him?

Needwantmore Tue 06-Sep-16 22:06:05

Not so simple unfortunately PF! He works in a specialist area and I have basically been brought in to assist him, so we've obviously been sat close together as we need to liaise over work things a lot, or at least we will do once the projects get going.

FlowerOfTheValley Tue 06-Sep-16 22:11:34

I've been there too and it really wasn't worth it. Blew hot and cold on me, seemed keen but then backed off. We did eventually get together and the entire relationship was a headfuck from start to finish. He was a player too.

Run a mile for your sanity, trust me on that.

You've made it clear to him you like him. He responds by playing games and screwing with your head. Would a decent bloke do that? He's a player who likes the control.

Work doesn't have to be a problem. It's actually very easy to shut down a conversation or turn it back to work. The difficulty is in thinking he's actually a nice bloke who's a touch confused or whatever excuse you have in your head for his shitty behaviour. If you can realise and accept shitty behaviour normally means he's a shit then the rest is easy.

Easier said than done I know, good luck.

QueenSpartacusOfTheAndals Tue 06-Sep-16 22:14:59

The difficulty is in thinking he's actually a nice bloke who's a touch confused or whatever excuse you have in your head for his shitty behaviour.

This x 10. Hot and cold men are the worst, and going down the path of trying to rationalise his behaviour will never end well,

Iflyaway Tue 06-Sep-16 22:16:43

He is playing you.

Be professional. If you want to keep the job. Delete him from every media that is not part of your work.

You will thank yourself.

Sounds the type who probably has a family and treats his wife the same way.

PineappleFwitters Wed 07-Sep-16 20:45:08

How are you doing today OP? Stay strong and resist him!

Needwantmore Wed 07-Sep-16 22:34:13

Hmm,not going so good. Was off work yesterday so didn't have to see him (and didn't hear from him either, which helped in a way as I thought finally this was an end to it and we can just be professional in the office). So today I'd only been in about 30 minutes when the PM's started, complete with wink emoticons. Every time he talks to me he stares at me so intensely it's impossible to look anywhere else, obviously not helped by sititing face-to-face! However, I have kept my side of things to a minimum and I know I need to keep my feelings/thoughts to myself now, as he'll only use them to play me more.

QueenSpartacusOfTheAndals Wed 07-Sep-16 22:37:45

It's always the way with men like that - you show interest, they back off, you ignore them, they're all over you. Just keep it professional and you'll be fine.

Czerny88 Wed 07-Sep-16 22:48:04

He sounds like a dick.

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