Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Spying

(13 Posts)
atetoomanybiscuits Mon 05-Sep-16 23:32:51

My ex sees the kids in my house. He doesn't have anywhere he can take them. I tend to go out when he's here, but I've noticed things moved around in my bedroom and some missing things. I feel really uncomfortable leaving him in my home with access to my personal things.
I want to know I'm not going mad and was thinking of installing a nanny cam. Is that really off/weird? I'd hate to be recorded but I feel like it's the only way to know if I'm imagining this or not. Has anyone else done this?

LineyReborn Mon 05-Sep-16 23:35:23

I wouldn't let him in at all any more.

He can collect them on the doorstep and go to the park / lunch / play area, I reckon.

atetoomanybiscuits Mon 05-Sep-16 23:36:07

That's my next step of I'm right. I'm just doubting myself

FetchezLaVache Mon 05-Sep-16 23:37:18

Exactly what Liney said. He's your ex for a reason and I reckon the reason lies in your OP! You don't have to let him into your home, it's your sanctuary and you don't need to be worrying about him snooping round your bedroom or pinching things.

atetoomanybiscuits Mon 05-Sep-16 23:39:06

I know! But my kids are little, and they are my priority. They love their daddy and the continuity is important, so I want to be sure I have things right

LineyReborn Mon 05-Sep-16 23:40:00

Don't you doubt yourself, OP. You don't have to prove a reason. Just say how its going to be because that's what you are prepared to tolerate and be comfortable with.

Like Fetchez says, your home is your sanctuary.

DollyTwat Mon 05-Sep-16 23:42:26

I think it's best to start as you mean to go on. So imagine a time where you have a new relationship, are you still happy for your ex to be in your house on his own?

He can't do this forever, so time to force him to think of somewhere else to see them

FetchezLaVache Mon 05-Sep-16 23:42:58

Having things right includes having them right for you as well, Biscuits! Liney is right - you don't have to give a substantiated reason, just trot out the Mumsnet classic "this isn't working for me any more". Might that be an option?

atetoomanybiscuits Mon 05-Sep-16 23:49:20

I have a new relationship which I'm keeping separate from my kids.... But the ex in my house is weird for them too.
My priority is maintaining good regular contact for my kids, and getting some restbite for me so I'm a good mum. That unfortunately has meant him coming to my house. He doesn't pay fuck all but he is good at seeing them.
But I'm weirded out that he could be riffling through my stuff. I'm pushing for him to get his own place he can take them too, but I wanted proof before I rocked the boat ideally.... All so complicated.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 05-Sep-16 23:49:30

If I allowed him to step over the threshold at all (and I certainly wouldn't) I wouldn't leave him alone in your home to pry, snoop and steal. Pop up to your bedroom and read a book, anything.

"He doesn't have anywhere he can take them" Diddums. That's his problem to solve, not yours. He can take them McDonalds or the park on weekend afternoons.

Listen, your kids might be young, they might have a very close relationship with him, but if there is to be any continuity it's his responsibility to provide it. SOMEWHERE ELSE!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 05-Sep-16 23:58:51

It will be more confusing for the DC to see him in their home. He doesn't live there any more. Parks and cafes and soft play are all brilliant fun.

I wouldn't bother with a nannycam, unless it is very cheap. I'd set up a test, plant something, or do a sellotape trap. Actually, I wouldn't. I'd just tell him I think it is confusing for the children to see him in the house so he has to take them out from now on, gently breaking them into seeing daddy elsewhere so that his new place is not too much of a shock.

Resilience16 Tue 06-Sep-16 04:13:07

My ex tried the old "got nowhere to take DD" line when she was little. He ended up going through my phone and stealing numbers. Lesson learnt.
After that he was never allowed in my house again.
Suggest he takes kids to the park, library, museums, cafe, relations, cinema,swimming. Lots of stuff out there that doesn't cost money (if he whinges he is skint) or which is indoors (if he whinges about the weather).
If he is serious about seeing his kids and not just using them as a way if keeping tabs on you then he needs to sort himself out.
Good luck.

Nannawifeofbaldr Tue 06-Sep-16 05:13:27

As an interim measure could you put a lock on your bedroom door? If he mentions it that would reveal that he had tried the door.

have had exactly this conversation with my FIL regarding why the study is always locked when they visit

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now