Hi all, I am hoping you can help me with this.
I'm in my early 30s and live in another country from my home of origin and since I moved away in 2009 I have gone back 'home' to my mum and dads for Christmas. I have had first a boyfriend and now a partner for 4 of those years, and he has previously come over to join us on the 28th or similar.
Some of you might remember my thread from last Christmas, when I talked about the awful behaviour of my adult sister who lives with my mum over Christmas (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2535097-To-hate-my-sister) TL;DR it was horrific, and I never wanted to feel so trapped and miserable ever again.
Last time I saw my sister was for her 30th, when my other half and I went over to celebrate. That was... okay. Me and her didn't have any trouble, but she was pretty awful to my mum and dad, which my partner witnessed - as well as being really shitty on its own, it's so embarrassing.
Anyway, my current issue is I don't know quite how to break it to my mum that I'm not going to come over for Xmas this year.
I tried to suggest that I host Christmas this year, which would have had the advantage of me being on my own turf and able to ask my sister to leave if any bad behaviour started, but my mum works in retail, so won't have Christmas off.
I am just worried about hurting her feelings - I know she will eventually get it if I explain why I'm not coming - I just can't put myself through that again, and pay all that money for xmas flights to have a really shit time - but she will be upset. And I think it will feed into her view of me as selfish. She has never explicitly said this of me, but I just worry that that's what she thinks. This is based on me objecting to her driving 200 miles basically every week to check in on an elderly relative with disabilities due to uncontrolled diabetes. I told her this was madness, and pointed out she has
3 brothers, two of whom are in married couples and an extended family much closer - why was she doing all this and then knackering herself and paying massive petrol bills. Which is all rather beside the point, but anyway.
At xmas my partner and I want to spend it together, playing with our kittens and possibly making mince pies. His mum has offered us to come over (it will also be the first time he has not been in the family home for xmas) but I felt that that, rather than it being a 'just us' xmas day would be unfair on my mum and dad, so we were thinking we could go over on Boxing Day.
I, my mum and my dad are going on a sun hol together in October - should I wait until then to tell them?
So, my question is a multi parter - how do I best break it to my mum? In person on the hol? Or if it will colour the holiday how about now and then she'll have had time to get used to the idea before then. And how should I say it? And do partner and I stay solo for xmas day? Or is that nuts?
Sorry for the epic post, I just don't really know what to do for the best.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How to explain that I am not coming for Christmas?
pandarific · 05/09/2016 19:45
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