Need some reassurance tonight...

[Confusedlecturer]

Background...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2671581-Heartbroken-and-confused

I've been back from France for a few days, he came back to the family home yesterday to pack his bags and he leaves in the morning. He's trying to be nice, and wants to be civilised and it's killing me. I can't even seem to get angry with him yet, every time I hear him/see him I cry. I cannot believe my 25 year marriage is over and I've had no choice in the matter. It has also transpired that he's actually been having an affair for three bloody years, not ten months - I confronted him and he admitted it... How did I not know?

I feel so alone, he is off to his other woman and I am left to pack up the family home and get out by the end of November. Our three children ar still devestated, I'm thinking of persuading the 18 y o to see the GP, she can't sleep and cries every night still. I'm hoping once he's gone tomorrow I will start to sort myself out, I just feel so pathetic.

Sorry for the whinging - this is just not me usually... But you all helped me so much when this first happened.

[EmmaMacgill]

Oh Confused I'm so very sorry for you, I didn't read your first thread and I don't really have any advice.
You're not pathetic, he's pathetic for leaving you all in this mess after 25 years? What an arse
Look after yourself, you and your lovely children will get though this

[spanky2]

The most important thing I've learned is you have to feel the painful emotions to be able to move on. Ride the wave and you will come out stronger, even though you won't believe that now! Your dh has behaved appallingly. Why he felt the need to cheat on you and then tell you in such a callous manner is completely beyond me. Stay out of his way while he packs. He is not the man you love as his behaviour is anything but loveable. Do you have any family or friends who can come round? As you've been with him for such a long time and helped with his career you should be able to get a good settlement. You need to get a good solictor to get as much money as you can, you deserve it.

[Cary2012]

It's a bereavement my love, no more no less.

You need to grieve for the past and the future.

You have to go through many stages, and they are not in order, some are easier than others, some are horrendous and some repeat, and hit you again out of the blue.

BUT you will, I promise, get through this.

I was married twenty years, three teenagers, ex had been seeing OW two years.

I was you five years ago.

What helped me was leaning on a few people in RL. Going NC with ex, unless it was urgent about kids, even then very brief and practical.

Most of all accepting that I would feel lousy, experience a wide range of emotions, and not denying them. Not wallowing, but going through them.

Treat yourself as you would your best friend.

You will get through it, you will find happiness again.

Think DD checking in with GP is a good idea.

And I also filed for divorce within 48 hours. This gave me control, and forced me to deal with practical stuff, but that's by the by.

Keep posting, so many of us understand x

[Confusedlecturer]

Thanks everyone, some brilliant advice and comments as ever, I'm hiding in my room having helped myself to a glass of his nicest wine. I like the idea of wallowing, I think I need to cry it out of my system tonight. It's good- in an odd way to hear about others who've survived. Thank you, I think I'll hide until he goes to bed, it will be odd tomorrow morning... He's timed his van to appear an hour before I need to leave for work... Do I say goodbye or leave early? I'm so confused. My daughter's fab friend is collecting her early tomorrow and taking her out for the day.

[Cary2012]

Don't say goodbye. Go for a nice pre work cuppa on the way to work.

Meet a colleague for breakfast?

Enjoy the wine, you'll be fine x

[spanky2]

If it didn't affect your settlement I'd kick him up the butt to 'help' him out of the door!
Don't give him the satisfaction of your tears. Let him get on with it. Don't leave early, make sure he leaves his key and doesn't take anything apart from what he's meant to. (Bad childhood gave me trust issues, but he doesn't seem very trustworthy.)

[ImperialBlether]

OP, has he been living off you all this time? You say he's always on television - does he get paid for this or is he one of those guys who knows nothing about a lot who gets called on for his opinion?

[Cary2012]

Always on television?? He's not Jeremy Vile is he??

[Confusedlecturer]

He is always on tv/ working on a programme imperial, but quite niche, so he's well known - lots of people know his face but can't place him! It has never paid well I was in the same area when we met, but later became a teacher as the economics were too fragile. My daughter has removed the plug from the to as his new programmes are due soon as she first want yo see them.

He's only just got here from his new flat near the IWM, so no, I've not been supporting him, but I've been sharing his wine cellar with the kids! (All of them gown up!) I made him bring his own food etc yesterday.

My daughters been 'assisting' with his packing and reminding him what is not his and confiscating these items. So far he's complied.

I really don't know what to do in the morning... I really wish I could hate him, but I'm just feeling heartbroken still...

[Confusedlecturer]

Oops lots of typos, I blame the wine! He's a historian/ writer.

[ImperialBlether]

It's not HIS wine - it's FAMILY wine, so share it out equally amongst everyone.

[ImperialBlether]

I think you're mistaking 'heartbroken' for 'absolutely bloody furious' OP! He's treated you badly, so don't go wanting him back.

All of the poor children affected by this, too - yours and the OW's. Really awful for them all.

[FantasticButtocks]

Sorry you're in this situation op and feeling so upset - as the saying goes, though: when you're going through hell...keep going.

[Confusedlecturer]

Imperial I am desperate to get angry, I just can't seem to manage it yet, it would be so much easier if I could hate him or scream at him... I really hope this will come, I feel stuck at the shock stage.

[spanky2]

It's the 5 stages of grief.
'The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.'

[MrsDc7]

I haven't got any advice but I'm sending you a hug. He's a shitbag xxx

[Confusedlecturer]

Thanks Spanky, I forgot about the stages... I will shift from this to another then, maybe it will be easier from tomorrow when I can go NC?

Thanks Fantastic and mrsDC it really helps having someone around, even online. I am going to try to sleep now and have found a cafe that opens at 6 tomorrow - so I'll be leaving the house v early so I don't have to witness his smug face as he leaves (there a bit of anger seeping through). Anything of value to me is already at my mothers house or my daughter has locked it in her wardrobe, so I don't need to be here.

It transpires the van he's booked is actually a friend of both of us doing him a 'favour'. This man knew us both well before we married, I don't want to see him tomorrow... I don't think I want to be friends with him anymore and I can't bear someone like that witnessing the final dregs of our marriage. God I want this nightmare to end, I don't know what I've done to deserve this.

[FantasticButtocks]

You haven't done anything and you don't deserve it. You are going to do all the things you wanted that he stopped you from doing, remember? Fuck him. And the horse he came in on.
You're going to be fine

[MrsDc7]

Thinking about you today be strong xxx

[spanky2]

Onwards and upwards.

[Confusedlecturer]

Thanks, MrsDC, Fantastic and Spanky. It's been an odd day, I left the house at 5.30am with my daughter and went for a v early breakfast to a bizarre but lovely cafe, so before he got up. Daughter was then picked up by her friends for a fun day and I sat in faculty meetings all day which was a distraction - I'm sure I've never focused so much!

Got home this evening, him and all his stuff has gone... Muddy footprints all over the kitchen and dining room floors... I had a ten minute cry, spoke to eldest and middle kids on phone, who were both lovely, and bizarrely I have been feeling quite calm since, even happy! I did tell him last night that I had no wish to see him ever again, to which he proclaimed utter shock... Why??

[MrsDc7]

Glad to hear you're coping as well as can be expected. Bastard could have mopped the floor though xx

[Confusedlecturer]

I quite enjoyed mopping it, with his fav t shirt he accidentally left behind and a bit of bleach - the thirst was so yucky afterwards that I binned it... Shame

[Thattimeofyearagain]

[spanky2]

Good for you! I'd like to send you warm wishes for new, positive beginnings.