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New partner won't tell me anything about his past romantic life.(25 Posts)
Background - I have a new BF, about 8 weeks in but we have been close friends for about 3 years. All going exceptionally well! He is a quiet, sensible, very old fashioned gentleman.
It has been bothering me slightly recently that he won't tell me anything about his ex(s?!). I pressed the point and all I got was he wasn't in a relationship when we started dating, he would never cheat and he was with someone for a fairly long time and it was serious. They wanted different things and she resented him spending so much time on the farm. That's it! I would like to know really how long ago they were together and if I'm likely to bump into her in the village shop! My DM was asking about his past the other day and I felt like a bit of a fool for not knowing. I'm not at all a jealous woman, it doesn't bother me in the slightest but then I am open about my past. I just feel a little bit on the back foot when it comes to meeting family etc.
Is this normal? Would you be ok with it?
He has told you about his previous relationship.
You want more details. The village shop thing is weird, why do you need to know that?
If it's going well otherwise and you have known him for three years just leave it.
I don't know much about my dhs previous girlfriends, I am not interested, and we have been married 18 years!
Presumably it was longer ago than 3 years they were together, as you've been close friends for that long? Odd that he's not prepared to tell you more, given you've been in his life that long.
What reason did he give for not wanting to go into more detail?
Why do you need to know? I find it all a bit odd to be honest, and I'm guessing he will too.
I'd be fine with it , it isn't really your business to be fair.
His sexual health is your business however so I'd be expecting a frank discussion about that.
I think its odd how you want a detailed history of his ex and slightly obsessive
Well that's me told then! It wasn't so much that I 'need to know', it came up naturally in conversation and it was more the clamming up that I thought was a bit odd!
Flowery, I think that may be what is bothering me as I'm not sure if it is when we were friends. He said it was fairly recently but we have been friends for years and he has never mentioned a girlfriend. We have been very close for a long time, talking every night and going out alot. If he wants to keep things to himself then I honestly don't care, we talked about this in conversation a couple of weeks ago and it hasn't come up since. Just wanted to gather opinions.
CRazzyyAce I don't recalling posting how I wanted a 'detailed history' of his Ex and I'm not sure how casually chatting about it in context a could of weeks ago can be construed as 'obsessive'. I am certainly not obsessive about it, I couldn't care less really I just found the manner he clammed up in a little odd so I thought I would gather some opinions.
There is no need to be rude.
I'm with you OP, personally I would want to know everything (but that is just what I am like). Just like I will be happy to let my partner know about my ex's.
You say that he is rather quite, so it may be that BF has never spoken about the past relationship or is naturally rather private. At this stage so early in your relationship with him I would not be concerned but if after a year or so the subject hasn't come up of his own volition then it may be he has something he would rather keep from you.
Rather early days to be meeting his family, too.
Perhaps if he is 'old fashioned' - in the true sort of gentlemanly way then he doesn't consider it appropriate to discuss previous relationships, perhaps out of respect for his last girl friend? What sort of age is he? My friend is with a 70 year old who never talks about other relationships.
At the risk of making assumptions, I think it is a bit of a 'female' thing to want to know about previous relationships - my now DH has never, ever asked a single question about my ex DH.
If you have known him well for 3 years then surely it is highly unlikely you will bump into her in the village shop?
I'm exactly like your BF and my DP had a hard time accepting that but eventually she did.
What happened in his romantic life before you isn't just his story it is someone else's as well and it's not yours.
Surely it would not be possible to be that close to someone for three years and not know that they are in a serious relationship?! It must have been before then, surely?
I take it you are concerned that you were unknowingly the other woman. I think the only thing you can do is ask outright when they separated and insist on an answer. The answer of fairly recently does suggest that there probably was a crossover in your friendship. How and why did it suddenly change from friendship to relationship. If he does refuse to answer then you have to ask yourself if you would have trust going forward with those doubts.
So you have been " very close friends " for three years, Going out a lot and talking every night.
And yet during this time he had a partner and you didn't know anything about her.
Doesnt that make you the OW with whom he was having an EA?
What he has told you sounds quite normal to me. He may not want to give more details as he may not see the need. He may also feel uncomfortable talking about someone who is no longer in his life.
We are all different - but personally
I would feel quite happy with that. I've never discussed my exes with OH in any detail and I don't know that much about his exes either. Just length of time together and if lived together or not..
Do you think you may have started seeing him romantically when he was still with somebody else?
If there is no issue with that I wouldn't be bothered.
I don't see the issue here. Like whatthepoo said, it's their story.
Why would you want to know? Some people would just not tell the truth anyway to suit them
I wouldn't be interested in pursuing a relationship with someone who wanted to keep things hidden from me.
Part of falling in love is getting to know all sbout someone.
I'm not really interested in hearing all the details of every girlfriend they've had, every job they've done, every country they've visited.
But having an entire area of their past they would never discuss with me as a matter of policy I would find very off putting.
"No, I will never tell you about the books I've read. It's none of your business."
Um OK, it's not "my business", but it's part of who you are and I was interested.
Now I'm not.
I would be like you op and want to know.Past performance maybe an indicator to the future.Ive tended to have good relationships with ex's so happy to discuss but not talking might have me wondering why they broke up.Just some background would be useful, are they in contact, did it end on good terms, is she local..I hardly feel that's super sensitive data.
It could be you and him have very different communication styles though.Do you naturally talk about ex's so he doesn't have to ask?
I wouldn't want any intimate details but I'd expect to know the basics to have an idea where I stood. E.g. "It was 5 years ago; we argued a lot; she lives in Australia now", "We were together from childhood for 20 years, I miss her", "It was the married woman (or man) over the road; it only finished when I met you; s/he stills texts me daily".
I can understand how uncomfortable you feel not knowing, and wondering if you might come into contact with his ex who may know who you are, while you don't have a clue about her. In fact, the local shopkeeper might know more than you.
In your shoes I'd be happy with basic reassurance for now e.g. "it was more than 3 years ago; you won't meet her. Can you explain that to him? Surely it wouldn't hurt him to tell you that much? Unless there is a more awkward story or an overlap.
I'd still expect to learn a bit more over the next few months - his past relationships will be part of who he is. How can he share himself with you if he doesn't breathe a word about this aspect of his life? I would never want to know really intimate details though.
Do you think that perhaps there have not been any past relationships and he is embarrassed to fess up?
It sounds as if he may have been lining you up as the next GF whilst things were going wrong with the old one. I'd want a clearer idea of when exactly it ended but not much more than that.
My husband of 10 years has told me very little as well.
I know he had a girlfriend for 9 months not long before he met me but they both knew it wouldn't lead to anything serous. I know about his first girlfriend when he was 15. He doesn't like talking about it and after this long it just doesn't matter.
He doesn't want to know about my past sexual history. He knows all about my first husband but we have children together so he was still a big part of my life until he died. That marriage helped shape the person I am today and not talking about it would be withholding a lot of information about myself. I know he didn't have a serious relationship until he met me so not knowing about them doesn't affect how well I know him or anything. There probably isn't much to tell except he had sex with people.
You've only been with this man for 8 weeks! & your mum is asking about his past too?! I simply couldn't be with someone that grilled me about my past, you are supposed to let info flow in its own time, as it naturally will I should think. He's not a stranger he's your friend, so you say - in 3 years how is it you don't know anything about him anyway, was he talking to and confiding in you whilst in his previous relationship?
You don't sound as if you trust him either. At the point you agreed to date or even just before, why didnt you discuss previous relationships then?
Either way placing so much emphasis on previous relationships and making it a topic of discussion in a present relationship is hardly a turn-on so, good luck with that one
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