Visiting 'friend's' town don't want to be seen to be ignoring her, but don't want to hang out

[maggiethemagpie]

I have a few friends in a town far away from my own, an old uni friend went to live there and I ended up making really good mates with some of her mates and we've all hung out together a few times.

Uni friend is living with an abusive partner so it's not usually possible to stay there. I made quite good friends with one of her friends in particular let's call her Jane, who had space to stay, so ended up staying there as a kind of default option.

The last time I went, I took my family and stayed with Jane and her family. For reasons I don't want to go in to, the friendship has faltered a bit, I felt Jane and her partner were not very nice and they did a few things that really wound me up and made me feel like she was not a good friend. So I've decided to cool it with Jane, and not really maintain the friendship.

However I would still like to go to her town, to visit Uni friend and also some other friends. I don't mind seeing Jane out and about and being friends in a looser sense, but don't want to stay there and don't consider her to be a close friend any longer.

If I just go to Jane's town without telling her and she finds out through mutual friends it will look like I'm deliberately ignoring her. But I don't want to stay with her, or make an effort to meet up. How do I get out of this? Text her the day before to say I'm going to be around and then leave the ball in her court? That way I'm not ignoring her but it will be too late to arrange to stay at hers, and she may well not be free to meet up (but if she is, she can come along on a group night out with our mutual friends).

Or am I better to just leave it and if she finds out I've been to visit, so be it?

I don't want to create a scene or any conflict, just let the friendship kind of fade.

[DoreenLethal]

But you are deliberately ignoring her!

Have the power of conviction. Go to the uni friend town, have fun and if questioned about it say 'yes, I was in town, what of it?'

[Yoksha]

maggie,

I'd text her sooner & stick to your script. Unless texting her the day before arrival possibly means you really don't want to see her. If you're cool about her joining you give her more notice. If you're not, then don't let her know you're visiting. IMHO the day before arrival is pointless.

[Isetan]

Your relationship with Jane has run its course, pull your big girl pants up and let her know.