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What should i do - Ex will take no responsibility

(34 Posts)
ragdollymama Mon 05-Sep-16 06:54:55

Found out in June my husband of 12 years had been online dating and cheating on me for months. He wasn't a good husband before this: selfish, unsupportive, disinterested in kids (ages 10, 6 and 2) etc so I wasn't heartbroken when he moved out in July. Since then I've just been staggered by just how selfish he is being. He promised to take kids camping then just changed his mind. His idea of 'sharing the parenting responsibility' hasn't gone beyond him coming round for an hour at a time (he juSt turns up when he feels like it) - says his house isn't set up for kids. He refuses point blank to have anything to do with our 2 year old dd - he says 'she does his head in'. He's unreliable: was supposed to pick up ds from a weekend he had away but he said he 'couldn't' at last mimute and I had to drop everything to make the 4 hour round trip. I'm exhausted. I need a break but how can I get him to step up and actually share the parenting? (I've had kids every single day since his bombshell). Should I threaten to not let him see them at all?
He's also completely plundered our joint account (up to overdraft limit) to furnish his new place despite me insisting repeatedly that he needs to come off our account, set up his own and pay me maintenance. So I'm desperately worried about money too as he just doesn't seem to give a shit about the impact on us. I will get legal advice when I have the money. Can I ask bank to bar him from account? It was mine originally.

thedogstinks Mon 05-Sep-16 06:59:02

He has no right to do that to your joint account. The second it gets into positive balance, I'd take your name off it if I could. You don't want to be eligible for his debt. It's a joint account now, regardless of its origins.

Perhaps you could see if you can remove the overdraft?

See a solicitor now. Live on beans and fresh air for a week if you have to. Many offer a free half hour consultation. Get on the phone now and ring around and make an appointment asap. I can't stress this enough.

thedogstinks Mon 05-Sep-16 06:59:55

Actually, I should say unfortunately he has every legal right to do that to your joint account, but clearly he has no morals.

smilingeyes11 Mon 05-Sep-16 07:08:13

you cannot threaten to stop him seeing them - but you can insist if he wants to see them that he does it regularly, picks up and drops off and no longer comes into your home.

Why haven't you sorted out your own bank account or claimed any maintenance from him? Get both of those sorted today.

Unfortunately if he does not want to see the DC there is nothing you can do to make him.

Isetan Mon 05-Sep-16 09:23:33

I think you need to get out of the bad habit of expecting him to be a decent human. This selfish, entitled arsehole is who he is and who he has been for a long time, it's time you made decisions based on who he is and not who you want him to be.

Get some advice and start being proactive, as opposed to being reactive.

Kr1stina Mon 05-Sep-16 09:29:40

You can't make him do anything . Sorry .

Stop talking to him and trying to persuade him to be reasonable . He won't .
He's been a selfish bastard for years, why do you think he will change now?

You need to get everything financial and legal sorted today . Get his Name taken all all utility bills. Sort out joint account and any joint credit cards . Apply for council tax discount .

See a solicitor as a matter of urgency .

Arfarfanarf Mon 05-Sep-16 09:29:40

you need a new bank account. Don't have anything put into the joint account. Yes tell the bank you have split up I don't know what they'll do but you can ask.
And I think you need something formal in place. This is going to mean going to mediation / court and getting a schedule.

And not letting him in the house.

user1471950254 Mon 05-Sep-16 10:22:07

Bank need to be notified in order to place a "marital dispute" marker (please note not actually a requirement to be married for this to happen!). This means the account will be suspended got all transactions until you agree on balance owed/due and the account is closed. This means you will each require sole accounts to continue to receive or make payments. You've mentioned that your ex has maxed out the overdraft facility, ultimately with a joint account you are both responsible for this debt regardless of what the transactions were but having a marital dispute marker means he cannot then increase the overdraft facility further by application. As other posters have mentioned you need to sort new banking arrangements and childcare also in order to divide up responsibilities. Good luck

Mum4Fergus Mon 05-Sep-16 10:55:12

Can only comment on the bank side of things-if it is a joint account he can empty it unfortunately. Bank won't remove your name until OD is cleared. Suggest you go to Branch and explain...they can put a stop on all transactions...meanwhile you need to open a new account in your name only and arrange credits and debits to come from that ...

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 05-Sep-16 10:59:58

Get legal advice soon. You'll have less and less money as this goes on. Talk to the solicitor about money. There are ways to defer payment or take it out of the settlement and so on.

Assume he will do nothing with the children and plan your life accordingly.

Do not use the joint account any more. Not for anything. Talk to the bank, ask for help. Cry if you need to about him stealing all the money.

Make a proper application for child maintenance asap.

Dogolphin Mon 05-Sep-16 11:14:34

Open a separate bank account and have the child benefit etc paid into it so he has no access to it.

Follow the advice of your solicitor.

Apply for maintenance.

Keep records of every time he lets the children down. Don't be available when its not convenient for you.

ragdollymama Mon 05-Sep-16 20:03:41

Thank you for your advice. I'll make an appointment with bank tomorrow and am searching for local solicitor. Yes reading back my post, I wouldn't stop him seeing kids. I intended to say "in my house". He has privacy/ freedom from me but I have none as he turns up unannounced, let's himself in and treats it like its his. I don't think I can stop him though as he's on the house deeds....

Livelovebehappy Mon 05-Sep-16 20:38:06

Yes, as OP's have said; he can empty your joint bank account, and you will both be liable for the overdraft, whoever has used it. You can have it frozen though, by having a dispute marker on the account. Problem is you need to set up your own account first and set up DIrect debits on it before freezing your joint account, as once it's frozen you won't be allowed any transactions on it. You're wise to ditch your thoughts on stopping him seeing the children. Some men sadly won't care, and will only use this to justify to others that his crazy ex won't let him see the kids, which will make him look like the victim. And you don't need to let him in the house, even if his name is on the mortgage, as he has left the home and cannot come and go as he pleases. Good luck with everything; it's a hard slog but you'll get there!

NooNooMummy Mon 05-Sep-16 21:00:47

Hi ragdollymama,

You have my sympathy. My soon-to-be-ex-husband is so similar (see my post in Being a parent-Lone parents-Acceptable?-he lives nearby now...). I don't understand how men can behave like this - it's pure cruelty - they can't be that oblivious to the effects of their selfishness.

And I too am struggling to figure out what to do for the best... So hard

GettingScaredNow Mon 05-Sep-16 21:09:01

Took me a while to accept that STBXH is a twat who has no morals. And I had to accept that he is never going to be a stand up guy, even for his kids sake.

That's what you need to accept. Take you name off the joint account, open a new one, see a solicitor - free half hour appt.

Make a claim for maintenance through the CMA. (Or whatever it's called!)

liletsthepink Tue 06-Sep-16 00:33:14

Could you put a bolt and/or a chain on the front and back door to stop your ex just walking in?

NooNooMummy Tue 06-Sep-16 08:30:35

Or get a locksmith to change the locks then text husband to tell him. Extreme but reasonable to protect yourself in the face of abuse. No one has made me let my ex back in. The police have been sympathetic eg when ex threatened to break in. And it was the best thing I've done for a long time...

MrsBertBibby Tue 06-Sep-16 10:12:42

I've had plenty of clients change the locks, or had them changed on them. I don't think I've ever had a judge do anything about it. I've had several judges flat out refuse.

ragdollymama Tue 06-Sep-16 17:57:49

Omg I hear what you're all saying but it's so counter-intuitive to me. I'm trying to be as accommodating as possible as I worry that standing up to him will be a red rag to a bull and make him worse. I guess I've always been the peace keeper and it's hard to break that but I do realise that not complaining about his selfishness for years has probably given him license to behave the way he does (he's a spoilt brat basically). But I still can't stop worrying about how else he can hurt me if I show I'm going to stand up to him. For example he insists hes going to sort out our account before he leaves it - i'll be screwed if he decides actually he doesn't want to. he could take my car (which I'm paying for but is registered in his name) or i guess he could make me fight for maintenance which so far he's insisting he's fully prepared to pay (and more than csa calculation because I have loans in my sole name that I took out to prop up his extravagant spending habits). I feel I need to tread carefully so to keep him onside at least on these things but I so, so don't trust him anymore. I think he's having some sort of breakdown/ mid life crisis.

ragdollymama Tue 06-Sep-16 18:06:09

I'm going to ask him directly and rationally to sort our account and maintenance by end of month otherwise I'll put marital dispute block on it (but i'll talk to bank this week). I'll ask him to also agree a plan for his access to kids by end of month which includes not in my home and means when with him he is fully responsible for them. I'll ask him for house key and to remove all his remaining stuff from house (he's left loads of clothes, books, paperwork etc) and to get a redirect on his post/ change address for everyone he has dealings with as it all still comes here. Does this all sound reasonable to you?

ragdollymama Tue 06-Sep-16 18:07:58

I'm seeing solicitor on fridaysmile

Kr1stina Tue 06-Sep-16 18:19:43

You are both liable for your debts as you are married . Doesn't matter if it's in your name.

The car is also a marital asset, even if it's his name and you are paying for it . Besides, if he took it and you stopped paying for it, it would be repossessed by the loan company. Especially if you told local them his address .

Although I'm NOT saying that you should do that unless your solicitor tells you to do so . But if I can work that out, so can he .

Solictor will advise on all that, remember to take all the paperwork with you about all debts and all assets .

I'm afraid you need to accept that you CANT keep him onside and he WONT be reasonable .

Ninasimoneinthemorning Tue 06-Sep-16 18:20:49

op you post makes for really sad reading - but sadly it's not unique.

For your own sanity and your kids I'd go through the courts. It's costly but it's worth it. A few of my friends have done the bending over backwards to facilitate shite fathers for it all to be thrown back in their faces. The only one that went through the courts, I think they had to do mediation first (?) (and it wasn't easy) is the only one that has set days and regular maintenance.

Your carrying everybody at the moment and it's not fair on you. Don't be fooled in to thinking 'this is best for the kids' because it isn't. The only person that is benefiting from this is your ex.

Once you have a court order in place - every one knows where they stand and your ex can't come up with excuses or lies about visitation or child support.

The moment he starts fucking up it's clear to all parties who it is and you can't be blamed further on down the line.

The amount of time I've heard 'she don't let me see the kids, I havnt got a kid friendly place, I'm saving all the CS up so I can give it then when they turn 16' makes me so annoyed - and not once did they try and go through the courts as it's easier to blame the woman/mother.

Good advice regarding bank now make sure you get good advice of your solicitor. Good luck flowers

43percentburnt Tue 06-Sep-16 18:36:55

Are his wages due to go into the bank account to take you out of the overdraft?

If so, let that happen, then block the account. Do not tip him off in the meantime. So business as usual. If not you may find he just opens a new account and leaves the overdraft as it is.

ragdollymama Tue 06-Sep-16 19:47:03

He's already moved his salary to a sole account. He's just been round (unannounced of course) to check for post and said he's sorting a loan and will put £3000 in our account then take himself off. I did point out his spending in last 6 weeks was over £4.5k but he gave some waffle about some would have been spent jointly had we stayed together. Sigh. It's better than nothing. Also raised kids. He says he'll have kids sunday pm. I said he needs to sort his house and have them proper weekends. He said ok once he's got loan and can buy beds for them. So actually possibly progress. Will tackle him letting himself in here whenever he feels like it next time!

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