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It just not working for me!

(14 Posts)
JellyBean31 Mon 05-Sep-16 06:24:52

Why is this so hard to say when you like the person but circumstances mean it's just not working out the way you want?

I said it last night (by text as we just don't see/speak enough) but have been awake half the night wondering if I've been too hasty, and have that sick empty feeling in the pit of my stomach this morning.

I posted about him being a bit flaky a few months ago, the "letting me down" did get better but we haven't seen each other in more than 2 1/2 weeks and we only live 10 minutes apart.

I like him a lot but have been careful to not emotionally over invest because I am unsure of him, I kind of let it drift on on his terms as when we do meet up we get on brilliantly but last night I just decided enough was enough. I've had reply yet although he's read the message.

I just feel a bit gutted today

TheLastRoseOfSummer Mon 05-Sep-16 08:11:40

It sounds like you've done the right thing. "It's just not working for me" doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with either of you, just that your needs are not being met by the relationship.

You've spoken to him already, so it hasn't come out of the blue.

You will feel gutted, but it doesn't mean it was a mistake flowers

Onwards and upwards.

JellyBean31 Mon 05-Sep-16 09:01:01

Thanks, he's the first bloke I've liked since I split up with my exH 2 years ago and he came along at a time I was starting to think I'd lost the capacity to 'feel' anything anymore, so I guess I hoped for more despite the signs that I was being a bit too optimistic.

I'll have a couple of weepy days feeling down I'm sure, then pick myself up again. To put a positive spin on things, an eye infection and a make up ban for 5 days gives me an excuse to not look myself in worksmile

TheLastRoseOfSummer Mon 05-Sep-16 09:12:07

I think we've all been there after a split; someone who makes you realise that you're not dead after all!

I split up with my husband nearly 4 years ago. A year later, I met someone who was completely unsuited to me for many reasons, but it worked and it was what it was for nearly a year and it made me realise I was still alive. But at some point, I just 'outgrew' it emotionally really. I've been single since.

Have you realised what it is you are looking for? Do you know what your non negotiables and your dealbreakers are? Has it helped to get you in the right place for meeting someone new?

If so, then it served its purpose for the time you needed it so don't feel sad that it didn't become more.

JellyBean31 Mon 05-Sep-16 12:12:11

He has helped me realise that I do want a committed relationship, so I have no regrets. The time we have spent together has been an absolute blast tbh, he was definitely what I needed at that time.

He has replied to me message very apologetically, being honest and not making any excuses, he knows he's let me down. He said he hopes I can understand that he's still struggling with the logistics of seeing his kids as a single dad, which of course I can, but that doesn't mean I want to be the person who's left with the scraps (I put it nicer to him).

Onwards and upwards eh!

allsfairinlove Mon 05-Sep-16 12:17:04

flowers you sound sensible. Definitely onwards and upwards brew

richteaaddict Mon 05-Sep-16 12:29:56

6 weeks ago, i was planning my second wedding, going on holiday with partner and no kids, and just plodding on with life. 4 weeks ago i found a conversation and nude pics on partners fb page from someone else. I asked him to leave and give me space to think things through. fast forward to today, i dont hate him he is a lovely bloke, but actually i am ok by myself, I dont know why, im not sure if i just got swept along with it all, he is complete opposite to my ex husband. we have been together 6 years...........
Am i a bitch? am I in defence mode, am I in denial? or am I just damaged, and run at the first sign of trouble............i dont know but what i do know is that im ok!!!

TheLastRoseOfSummer Mon 05-Sep-16 12:54:16

Erm... rich why would you even consider for a second that dumping a, clearly, unfaithful man without a backward glance would make you a "bitch" or "damaged"?!!

Surely, that means that you have good boundaries and self respect!

I'd have dumped him too.

JellyBean There you, you did take something from it. Not all relationships are designed to last forever. Sometimes they come to teach us something about ourselves.

TrippyMcTrapFace Mon 05-Sep-16 13:29:50

Hi JellyBean, I think I was on your other thread about this guy. Is it the one who kept cancelling last minute, according to him his ex was messing him about with the kids arrangements and he was going running every time she snapped her fingers?

If so, you've done the right thing. Understand you feel gutted but you want someone who isn't flaky and that's perfectly fine. You've given him a few chances. Meeting him has served a purpose for you, and that's great.


JellyBean31 Mon 05-Sep-16 14:45:52

yes trippy same guy. You're right, he's had enough chances and I can't see things changing in the future.

It was nice while it lasted (intermittently) grin

JellyBean31 Mon 31-Oct-16 15:34:37

Even though I'd ended things, I didn't cut all contact as I felt he was a good guy so there's no reason to delete his number etc. We chatted over WhatsApp quite regularly but this tailed off around the end of Sept.

Then, a few weeks ago, after I'd filed for divorce after 2yrs separation I had a huge crisis of confidence and became a bit obsessed with Flaky Guy, constantly checking his fb page & WhatsApp !! I did send him 1 ranty message (which I instantly regretted) asking what it was about me that made him feel ditching me at the last minute was acceptable?

Of course he couldn't answer and again said all the right things about it being him not me blah blah blah. A few days later once I'd gotten over my crisis I decided it was the right time to delete his number and unfriend on fb. I've really missed talking to him but I miss it a bit less every day.

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon and he contacts me to ask how I am (I had deleted but not blocked as I didn't imagine he'd contact me again), I replied with a noncommittal "fine" and a pretty insignificant short conversation followed but nothing of consequence. So why oh why am I obsessing again today???? I'm so annoyed with myself and with him for contacting me.

I wanted to say "if you don't want to be with me mate...F*ck Off" but I'm way too polite

TheNaze73 Mon 31-Oct-16 15:38:21

Block him & move on.

You're helping to create your own drama

WaxingNinja Mon 31-Oct-16 15:41:19

Block him.

Save yourself hours and a whole thread of angst trying to work him out.

He's flaky as fuck. Block him and move on.

Shayelle Mon 31-Oct-16 17:42:30

Get rid completely. Youll feel better for it.

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