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We make eachother unhappy but I can't put our son through divorce.(10 Posts)
DH and I both feel we make eachother unhappy. i.e. I tell him he often makes me feel sad, and he tells me that I make him feel sad too. We've been together for 7 years and married for 4. I don't think we've ever been one of those super happy loved-up couples although we have had some good times I suppose.
Our son is 2.5 and he often senses I'm sad. He comes and says "don't be sad mummy" and gives me a kiss. It's heartbreaking.
My parents divorced when I was 6 and while I'd never admit it to them, it affected me horribly and I think that some of the issues I have now (anxiety and so on) may go back to my childhood. I don't want to put him through this. He has such a lovely life with a lovely home and we are loving parents, apart from the fact we don't get along most of the time.
I am sure that if it wasn't for DS we would be going our separate ways by now. It's so horrible. I hate this. I wish we could just have a happy relationship.
I have all these expectations for a partner that he does not match up to and I fear he never will. I have this idea of a dream man who would be romantic, look after me when I'm ill, give me a break without being asked to when I'm tired, be kind to me when I'm feeling low, do something just to make me happy. DH will give me a hug and maybe make me the odd cup of tea but that's about it. For some people that's enough but I don't feel like it's enough for me.
Social media has a lot to answer for too - I know people only show the good side of things but I often see friends who seem to be in happier, more appreciative relationships than us. I have a friend who is overjoyed with her new relationship and always telling me about how happy her new man makes her (they've been together nearly a year). It fills me with sadness as I feel this is something I'll never have.
I don't know what to do. I don't even feel like leaving is an option. I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve by posting this on MN but I feel like I have no-one else to talk to about this. I wish I could just be happy with my lot.
Leaving is always an option.
Your son is very young, so at the moment he may only sense that mum is sad. It won't take long for him to realise that mum and dad are always sad, and he won't look back and be glad you stayed together - and were miserable - for him.
If you agree to part now he will most likely have no memories of living with you both. His new normal will be two happier parents living separately. It's a huge decision, and really painful, but best to leave before you resent and possibly hate each other.
Also, you NEVER know what other people's lives are really like. Even if everybody you know is completely miserable or full of joy, it only matters how you feel about your marriage. I know a couple where it all looks great. He had an affair with the neighbour about 7 yrs ago, she found out. Neither of them know that I know. From the outside it looks like a marriage you'd hanker after, for all I know she's heartbroken and hates him.
My parents blamed me for them living in misery. Oh wait, that's not the official line, I mean they stayed together for the sake of the children. Me and my siblings hardly ever see them now. They got divorced when I left home. Bastards made us live in their misery. Apparently we should be grateful we weren't from a broken home. Fools still won't recognise that we lived in an extremely broken home.
Don't blame your kids for you being too scared to admit your marriage is bad.
Sorry if that's harsh but it really pisses me off when people hide behind their children like my parents did and get all martyr-ish about it.
Your DH can still be a good parent if you aren't married or living together. Lots of men are good parents in exactly that situation.
From a child of a couple who hated each other for years, just leave for the sake of your child.
Otherwise it will be miserable for you all, one of you will have an affair and all hell will break loose.
If it's amicable now, keep it that way.
You say your son has "a lovely life with a lovely home" and also that he often hugs you and says "don't be sad, mummy". That doesn't sound very lovely.
I understand that you want your son to grow up in a perfect, happy home with parents who are madly happy together. Whether you split up or stay together, it doesn't sound like that is an option.
I don't want to sound harsh, but your perfect ideal isn't happening. And don't kid yourself that you can keep your misery from your child. He's already spotting it. So don't wring your hands and agonise about making the choice between getting divorced and maintaining a perfect home for the sake of your son .
Divorced parents is obviously not as great as happy, loving married parents. But that doesn't mean it's better than unhappy parents who don't want to be with each other any more. And that's what it should be measured against.
First of all, don't believe everything you read on social media.
Can you stop focusing on your relationship and just get on with 'living' if you see what I mean? Do you enjoy the rest of your life, have you got a fulfilling job, hobbies, friends etc etc? No relationship is perfect and perhaps it is foolish to expect your DH to fulfill all your emotional needs?
Obviously if you are unbearably unhappy then it would make sense to separate but just make sure you are not thinking about your marriage in an over romanticised view.
I don't know what to advise but I know how you are feeling. Though I do feel I came out of my parents divorce unscathed.
Agree with Ragwort. It sounds as if you're expecting your DH to make you happy, but what are you doing about it? Have you got hobbies, interests, a fulfilling life outside of your family life? If not start to work on that, I personally don't believe that any one man could meet all my (many) needs, and my relationship with DH is far from perfect, but recently I've made more effort with outside interests, and in turn I'm happier and our relationship is better.
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