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Complicated - please tell me what you think I should do about this guy

(43 Posts)
Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:09:28

Ok this may be long so thanks in advance.

At the start of the summer I met a guy. Younger. We had a v intense connection and a wonderful date. Constant messaging. V romantic and made me feel v happy.

He left to work abroad for 2 months. We kept in contact but it dwindled and the sexual element stopped on his part. He said as we weren't exclusive he was seeing girls and felt bad being that way with me. I thought ok. Bit odd but whatever.
Still had v strong feelings for him weirdly. Thought about him all summer.
At certain points he would write and say he wanted it to be like it was with us. In crisis points emotionally he sounded sad. I was supportive and gave advice. He then would drift off and cut off sexually again.
I felt v confused really.

He is now back and after friendly messages I put to him why it just wasn't the same with us. He admitted he thought we were just friends now and he met someone long distance he is still with but wanted to be friends.
I felt v hurt and rejected and I told him so. He promised things to me etc. It was upsetting and I said I could possibly stay friends.

Then he writes again last week in a mess. He is going through a difficulty which he needed help for and I was again there over the phone and gave him advice for it. I felt sorry for him and I couldn't just not answer. He needed my help and was distraught. He is still with this gf. This was over the weekend and it really affected me. I told him things I'd never told anyone and likewise.

The thing is I'm not sure I can continue this friendship. It hurts me not to have him romantically and we are just messaging. For someone not interested romantically he writes almost every day and I like the message conversations. But it's hurting me. He'll say - but we're friends! I feel I'm just keeping the friendship because one day he may turn around and want me again like he did.

I don't know what to do. If I ignore his messages I look like I can't be friends and rude but I want to tell him in a brief way it's hurtful to talk to him like this with none of the romance we had. But I don't want to be too gushy and dramatic.
I've never really been in this situation before. I feel deeply about this guy and it hurts.
What advice do you all have?

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:11:20

Also a part of me feels it's pretty selfish of him to want my good advice and support but to cut me off romantically.
Is that unreasonable of me to say?

SkyRabbit Sun 04-Sep-16 18:13:56

Friends don't just take - you seem to be the only one giving in this 'friendship'. If it's hurting you, you have to stop. He doesn't sound like a good guy. He's strung you along, and now he wants friendship? Sorry, but fuck that!
You deserve someone who treats you like an equal, whatever the relationship, not someone who uses you as a therapist and sounding board. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you're not getting anything out of this 'friendship' flowers

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:16:17

Yes he did string me along. A lot.

Aussiebean Sun 04-Sep-16 18:19:16

He is keeping you on the hook in case it doesn't work with the other girl.


RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 04-Sep-16 18:23:44

You don't have to ignore or be gushing.

Text him "I don't feel comfortable helping you so intimately with your problems when you have a girlfriend and I am your ex. I think it is best for us to keep out of contact for the foreseeable future. I hope you get your issues sorted. Bye. Amanda"

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:25:20

Ok that is a good message actually

0dfod Sun 04-Sep-16 18:26:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:31:55

Do you think?

abbsismyhero Sun 04-Sep-16 18:34:28

Next time say to him I think your better off discussing this with your girlfriend

PotofGold1186 Sun 04-Sep-16 18:37:35

Bloody hell, this isn't a friendship and he sounds immature. Yes just block him!

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:39:09

Do you think it's best if I block him? I may never see ir speak to him again

Pagwatch Sun 04-Sep-16 18:43:31

He has a girlfriend.
You should not be an emotional stopgap for him whenever he fancies pulling your chain.

You are absoloutely teaching him that you will put up with any shit he throws at you. And will be grateful.
And I wonder how his girlfriend would feel about his emotional outpourings as you.

You are being a big of a sap I'm afraid.

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:45:39

Yes you're right Pagwatch.
Spot on.
I guess he keeps it lighthearted with her!
But he was talking about being bullied which just got to my heart last week. I couldn't just leave him he was panicking.

But it has to stop. There's so romance which is what I wanted. I just don't get why he wants to keep on talking everyday !!

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:46:11


BlueFolly Sun 04-Sep-16 18:46:46

You're never going to get what you want from this guy though. In 5 years time do you really see a situation where you're either good friends or romantically involved?

Doesn't sound likely to me.

I would send the text above (or at least I like to think I would grin) and take back some control.

flightywoman Sun 04-Sep-16 18:49:39

It reads as though you only had one date with him - is that right? Or at least a small handful of dates. That isn't a relationship, or a friendship, he's keeping you on the back burner for when he's bored or if his other thing doesn't work out.

And with such a short thing it really doesn't matter if you appear rude or uncaring, he doesn't seem to have the same care for appearances' sake.

I'd bin him, he's not committed to developing a deep relationship with you, and you deserve someone who is.

(I'm quite puzzled about how you expected to continue a sexual relationship if he was away for 2 months - I s'pose there's phone sex, but I guess it's none of my business!)

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 18:51:21

Yes it was v casual and a few dates but v intense at first and lots of emotional opening up.
But yes our phone Sex was v constant then it just cut off when he started seeing others.

LoveRosie2008 Sun 04-Sep-16 19:09:45

Everyone else has said what I was going to say. He is keeping you on the backburner incase it doesn't work out with his other girl.

Or even worse he is a player who has loads of girls on strings that he can pull when he hasn't had a shag in a while, then he will come crawling back. Very very common.

If it's too painful to just remain his friend, block, do what's right for you.

chipmonkey Sun 04-Sep-16 20:18:45

You don't owe him anything and your feelings and distress are every bit as important as his. "Staying friends" when a relationship ends isn't always healthy for both people involved. If it hurts too much to stay friends, you are better to block him.

Cary2012 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:38:08

Some people are radiators and others are drains OP. Have you heard of this saying? You're the former and he's the latter.

Just walk away, focus on what you want and your future. You can do better than him!

pinkdonkey Sun 04-Sep-16 20:46:34

I wasted 5 years on a guy like this, more fool me! Eventually realised he just came back to me when there was nothing better on offer. He still occasionally tries to get in touch with me 10 years later! I don't even read the messages anymore and not just because I'm now hapily married, I've got more self respect thanvthat these days.

LoveRosie2008 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:49:52

As above. Yes it can last years! Don't do it!

Amandahugandkisses Sun 04-Sep-16 21:07:23

Wow. Yes it feels like it can last years. I'm giving so much.
I think I need to block. It's hard though. He really got to me emotionally!

spudlike1 Sun 04-Sep-16 21:21:02

This fella sounds extremely manipulative . He's got you emotionally attached, you've opened up and now feel vulnerable.
Walk away fast in a few weeks you'll see things differently. But if you carry on you'll find it harder to.move on . Get busy with your life, make some plans , stop thinking about him .

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