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Which way to turn? Need your advice please!

(3 Posts)
Lubey1 Sun 04-Sep-16 17:51:56

I've been with my boyfriend for 10.5 years. We do not live together and I see him on weekends due to living in different cities.

We are very compatible (personality wise). We experienced the infamous "7 year itch" when everything went wrong. He is self employed and the recession hit his business badly. He was making less than what was due to go out, his bills were stacking up high and he became very irritable. He was being very short with me and each conversation would end up with him snapping at me. It was not pleasant but I stuck it out, and thought of ways to help him and his business. He paid me little attention and at the same time he met a new circle of friends and started going out every week drinking, dining out, arranging day trips; living as if he had no money issues. He blanked all his problems out and treated me terribly. He ignored me, didn't invite me out, whilst I was working hard to try and help him to rebuild his business. He shut me out completely and I started seeing him paying special attention to one of the girls in his new circle of friends. He started acting all suspicious; constantly texting and would never leave without his phone by his side. This girl was single at the time. I saw him post very intimate photos with this girl on Facebook and his actions made me really suspicious of him. I started looking at his phone and saw that he had a nickname for this girl, texted her using a special tone, talked to her in very suggestive way; full of innuendos and was flirting with her by text. I became very upset but did not confront him about it at the time. Each time I hear about her or see her, it pains me still and I cannot get over it even though she is now with someone else and has had a baby. I keep thinking what does she have that I don't?

After the 7 year mark, business improved and so did our relationship. We got back to how it was before and are happy however he lost my trust because of what he has done and how he treated me was terrible thinking back now. Everyone who saw how he treated me told me to leave him; even his own friends. I stayed because I love him a lot and my heart did not want to leave him. It still doesn't now.

In these last three years, everything is going well; he no longer socialises with that circle of friends (who were not a good influence), his priorities seem to be back in the right place (focusing on his business) and working at his relationship with me (we spend our free time together), however I've been trying to trust him again. Last year he proposed to me and I haven't given him an answer because I've been giving him this chance to make things right and show me that I can trust him. I haven't told him this as its a case of monitoring him and seeing whether he actially has changed. His actions were selfish, dishonest and disrespectful towards me.

I've tried to put it behind me and focus on now but I found a box under his bed full of lingerie from his exes before we got together so he had kept this for over 10 years. He has since moved bedrooms twice so there is no excuse of not having time to clear out or not knowing. This made me sick and really upset. I didn't say anything but after 6 months or so I saw that he had online sexual naked pictures of his exes which he clearly used as sexual stimulation material when by himself. This made me so upset that I just blew up and confronted him about everything: the girl, the box... He denied the girl and made me think I was crazy and he apologised about the box; giving no explanation why he had kept it. He said he would get rid of everything. The following week he sure did get rid of the box but I noticed that he sought to "hide" things more, changing all his passwords and not saving any details online. So this made me think confrontation clearly isn't the right way to go about things as now I know even less. Was I stupid for saying out what I know?

A further 5 months have now passed. I noticed that he had been looking those online pictures of the exes again; he clearly didn't delete these and he probably doesn't think I know about them. I deleted them out of rage and that was last month. They have reappeared which shows he has clearly downloaded them from somewhere again. I dont know what to do. If I confront him, he will probably apologise and "delete" them but probably seek to hide things more. How can I agree to marry a man who is disloyal, dishonest, and acts like this? But on the other hand we get on so well which is hard to find and I am happy when we do things together. My heart also loves him so much that I can't bear the thought of not being with him. What do I do?

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 18:16:37

I think rather than love, it's obsession and a bit of a sunk cost fallacy.

He's been really awful. He's been unfaithful in every possible way. You have become a doormat and it's not good for you.

One day he will have another affair and he'll leave - you do know that, don't you? And you will kick yourself then for not getting out when you knew you should.

Even his own friends told you to leave - that would indicate they knew a lot more than they were telling you.

Don't marry this man. Cut him loose and have a life without worry and paranoia and with some self-respect.

user1469553305 Sun 04-Sep-16 18:29:39

You have my first LTB!

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