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CrushingLoneliness

(25 Posts)
CountryClubMember Sun 04-Sep-16 16:57:09

Hello there - male 54 here

my girlfriend ended our relationship about 4 weeks ago - she is 19 years my junior with 2 under 10s and felt that she couldnt give me the time I needed to make me happy. We had been together almost a year and it was my first relationship in 4 years. In that time I suppose I had grown used to be alone but wasnt happy about it and having someone really made a difference to my life and I was happy while it was on

I didnt see the end of the relationship coming and am devastated.

I realise though that its not just the person but also it was the fact that emotions had been put into play which had been dormant for so long

Weekdays I can cope with - I am out of the house for 12 hours and so its not a big factor coming back to nobody. However for me weekends are the killer. I try and fill in up with things to do but honestly in my depressed state I have no focus. It sort of came to a head yesterday when I went into Sainsburys and was more aware of the couples and families doing just normal things like buying food for their weekend meals. Today I have pretty much been alone - tried to see some friends but they are out - and the loneliness is crushing me. I have binged on OLD sites but nobody even wants to engage into conversation and I am rapidly spiralling thinking that this is the rest of my life - empty , sad and alone.

I have a counselling session on Tuesday (my 2nd one) and GP has given me a prescription for anti depressants which I have put off starting as need to be on form for first half of this week,

Just said to myself "I cant take this anymore" and seriouly contemplated googing "how and what to overdose on"

I can't see a future right now, I miss my ex and I don't think I have ever been so low and that included a 3 week stay at a well known psych hospital in 2010.

Mamalicious16 Sun 04-Sep-16 18:08:27

Hi didn't want to read and run. I really think you should start on your AD they take a while to kick in anyway. Have yju thought about joining the gym / walking group / meet up group ( google online ). Could you try to meet up with friends family every weekend have a catch up / meal? Hugs

Mamalicious16 Sun 04-Sep-16 18:10:12

Just re read your post. If you are really alone and have these thoughts please contact the Samaritans

Elllicam Sun 04-Sep-16 18:13:10

I agree phone the Samaritans. Are there any clubs or activities you could do at the weekend to meet new people? Sorry you are having such a hard time just now.

princessmombi Sun 04-Sep-16 18:15:26

Can't read and run either. Break ups are tough at any age but they have a half life. Things will improve in time. In the meantime can you work at any other areas of your life? Career? Social life? Exercise? Travel?

troubleatmill2011 Sun 04-Sep-16 18:18:26

Hi, sorry to hear your going through some troubles. It's hard when a relationship ends and the majority of us know how that feels at some point in our lives. As the others have said, get on line and look for some new activity or meet up group. Your not alone smile

clarrylove Sun 04-Sep-16 18:20:32

There are loads of ways to find company - community choirs are very sociable if you like singing, or google meetup.com for things going on in your area. I know things feel grim right now but they will improve. Have you always dated younger women?

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 18:42:04

I think one of the problems is that you and she were at different points in your life. She's probably the busiest she'll ever be and not having time to be with you isn't an insult or anything like that; it's just an incredibly busy time for her and the attention she gives to you is perhaps time she needs to spend with her children.

I really sympathise with you over being on your own, especially at the weekend. It can be really boring, can't it? What do you enjoy doing? What did you used to do before you met her? How did you spend your free time then?

It's perfectly normal to feel lonely and depressed after a relationship's finished, but please call the Samaritans if you ever feel that's getting out of hand, or even just if you need to hear a friendly voice.

CountryClubMember Sun 04-Sep-16 21:40:11

Thanks everyone for taking time to message me - your support made such a difference. Its still very hard to move on and focus on anything other than the fact my heart is beating like a hammer all the time and the sense of general malaise that I am feeling. I know I have to move on and I know it will get better but all in all this has gone on for 7 weeks and I just wish I could switch it all off. It wasnt an easy relationship but it made me happy - and once you've experienced happiness with someone you dont want to go back to being alone.

I know that getting involved socially is a good thing but I am not in a good place to interact with people and so I end up in a vicious circle.

I will keep the Samaritains in mind in case I do start to take a step beyond where I was

I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being alone and I am just plain tired.

Kirk123 Sun 04-Sep-16 21:59:46

Oh we know how you are feeling broken into a thousand pieces , it's awful , please country take the antidepressants they will take 3 weeks to kick in , they will help your mood and you will feel better and not get suicidal thoughts I promise , keep posting on here and yes Samaritans great idea , my son rang them when my ex left us he is 21 they helped him . Just breathe and take one day at a time , she was not meant to be your soulmate , your soulmate will come along when you have healed , please take care ❤️

ICESTAR Mon 05-Sep-16 09:36:07

So sorry you are feeling down. Like someone mentioned above there is a website and an app called meetup. It's not necessarily dating. It's to meet like minded people in hobbies or nights out. You put in your interests and it brings up lots of groups for your area that people have formed. People of allages. They do nights out, movie clubs, running clubs, music clubs and walking clubs. All kinds of groups. Some are just to meet orhers to socialise in their city. It might give you something to look forward to for your weekends. Please think about giving it a try. It takes the pressure of meeting someone as well. You could get to kbow someone via that! Please don'tforget to look after yourself. Are you eating properly? Getting enough sleep? Make sure you do a nice thing for yourself each day. Set a task that you will lool forward to. And most of all, be kind to yourself. This will take time. flowers

ICESTAR Mon 05-Sep-16 09:36:42

Others*

ICESTAR Mon 05-Sep-16 09:37:09

And off* so sorry for typos. On my phone

CountryClubMember Mon 05-Sep-16 11:44:22

Thanks Icestar - everytime I read these wonderful supportive messages I end up in tears

I've had a look at Meetup and am going to see what I can find. Looking after myself isn't big on my agenda - I am pretty much getting by on pizza but am managing to lose weight. I'm not even getting any comfort from chocolate (so I know thinks are bad)

Sleep is ok but when I wake up all the anxieties boot up and I am awake early ruminating over and over again.

Back to work today so back with people but already one eye on next weekend.

ICESTAR Mon 05-Sep-16 12:58:41

Aww bless don't worry we are here to support. Perhaps schedule a nice walk on sat or sunday? Have a lool and see if there are any events in your local area that you could visit? Maybe have a shopping day and out for food? Just something to fill your day and plan to watch a good film when you get home? It gives you something to look forward to and less time to ruminate. smile

ICESTAR Mon 05-Sep-16 13:00:34

It appears that I cannot type out the word look or anything atm!! Apologies!! I can spell honestly haha!

ICESTAR Mon 05-Sep-16 13:02:05

Don't be afraid to do things on your own. You maybe surprised and find that you enjoy it. And maybe end up doing things you would never or could never in your last relationship. 😊

PamelaFlitton31 Mon 05-Sep-16 13:08:50

hi countryclub Just wanted to say sorry you are feeling so low. I am going through a similar situation myself at the moment and your words have resonated with me.
I really struggled in Sainsburys yesterday, so I have decided I won't go again on the weekend. Too busy and too full of apparently happy families.
I feel better from just taking that small decision.
I would second exercise and Meet Up. I don't use Meet Up at the moment but met some great people and did some fun & interesting activities a few years ago.
Good luck.

CountryClubMember Mon 05-Sep-16 13:16:58

icestar - I spent 4 years alone and got used to doing everything by myself. Getting back into a relationship made me so happy and so suddenly having those emotions torn out of me again has caused this spiral. I miss my ex and the intimacy we shared, and I realize that its as much just missing anyone being there for me.

PamelaFlitton31 - that's not a bad idea re avoiding Sainsburys. My bad time there is Saturday late afternoon where couples are often stocking up for a nice evening together. Saturday evenings were my original down time but now its spread over to Sunday daytime.

jeaux90 Mon 05-Sep-16 14:50:28

I am so sorry, most of us have been where you are at some point so lots of love to start with.

I guess we can only share what got us through these dark days. Mine was doing things on my own, go for a pint, go for coffee and take a paper, go to yoga, go to the gym.

But I also went to see a special acupuncturist, it was the best thing I did for myself during that time. It was like the cling film had been removed. I also read "the powers of now" it taught me how to stop my mind from churning everything over all the time which interrupts sleep and causes anxiety.

Big hug xxx

Justaboy Mon 05-Sep-16 16:42:21

Sorry to hear that mate . Bin there got the grief after the same age gap but a much longer marriage. Still i at least have the children albeit grown up ones to keep me occupied and work is very demanding and yes, you do see those together couples in the shops.

But even at my mid sixties vintage I'm sure there another lady out there somewhere just takes some finding .

All the best anyway, and like most all other partings and life's emotive events some time does make it better so I've found.

A friend of mine is going through the same as you poor sod, he's had most everything taken from him now at 66, very sad indeed and he's such a lovely bloke too.

Greenandmighty Mon 05-Sep-16 17:49:09

Hi there. So sorry to hear how low you have been. It's pretty normal to feel that way after you've broken up especially as you've now experienced the benefits of a close relationship after time alone.

Firstly, I think it's a very wise idea to avoid supermarkets at those key times when you might feel intimidated by the couples and families shopping together. Also, try to keep in mind that behind closed doors not all those couples and families are as happy as they mjght appear (although I know that's no consolation if you are shopping alone). It's a good idea also to make at least one concrete plan involving other people, ie friends. Or take the initiative and invite others round for a meal. Have you thought of booking into a public talk at a gallery in London where you can mix with others and might strike up conversations. A walking group is also a good idea as they are often very sociable. Or any other local sporting club which also has a thriving social calendar. These options might feel less daunting than OLD.

Do remember that you are now grieving and that this will take time. But whilst you are grieving, you need to indulge yourself and think how you would treat a friend who was upset and grieving - that's with loving kindness.

Wishing you well on the next stage of your journey.

CountryClubMember Tue 06-Sep-16 10:00:10

Thanks everyone for the kind words and suggestions. Everything makes sense and I am sure time will make it better. This week seems to have been particularly bad with sleep going out of the window and work suffering. I wish there was a way to hibernate.

LEIGH350 Thu 08-Sep-16 20:43:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HelenaDove Mon 12-Sep-16 20:25:04

Hope you are starting to feel a bit better now OP.

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