Please give me the courage to call my mum

[Timeforabiscuit]

Mums an alcoholic, we are low contact with a phonecall each week, except i stopped calling and started counselling (stopped after 5 sessions).

She has some health problems which she wont disclose fully, past needing a blood test but refusing to do it.

She is no longer under a gp as the practice closed, i checked if she wanted help registering with a new one - but she said she just couldnt be bothered.

I am on the phone for an hour, usually talking about banal stuff, my brother calls in occassionally, but otherwise she sees no one bar tesco delivery.

I fear shes finally managed to drink her liver to the point of permanent damage, but ive got no clue what to do next. It feels pointless to call her, for what? If shes drunk shes obnoxious and i have to talk her down from the latest non crisis, if sober, its a conversation of no consequence.

[FarelyKnuts]

Why do you want to call her?

[Timeforabiscuit]

I really dont want to call her, but have the residual feeling that I really really should.

Its the same panicked feeling ive had for years that shes over done it and knocked herself out.

[KondosSecretJunkRoom]

If you are going to do this then try and engineer some emotional space for yourself.

Do you have anything you can distract yourself with while you chat to her? A crossword/ colouring/ Mumsnet.

Create an excuse in advance to get off the phone for whatever time is reasonable/ managable.

Don't inflame the conversation. A series of non committal mumblings will suffice.

Best of luck.

[Timeforabiscuit]

Thanks kondo, i needed those tactics - right deep breath.

[Aussiebean]

You don't have to call her. She is an adult who has made her choices and nothing you can do or say will change.

Maybe go back to counselling as it sounds like you will benefit from more.

In the mean time, if you have do follow kondos advice. Set an alarm for 3 mins. You will know in that time that she is alive and ok. Then when the alarm goes say there is someone knocking at the door and end it.

[FarelyKnuts]

Pretending it's someone you're not emotionally connected to, fixing your attention to something that is physically in the room with you (so something in your hand, barefoot on the floor etc) and just polite and distant exchange of words with a pre thought of reason to need to end the call.

[Timeforabiscuit]

Shes fine, didnt bat an eye, still no on the gp front, i disturbed her afternoon nap

Thanks for the hand holding.

[Timeforabiscuit]

And thank you everyone for the different techniques, i happily whipped through the stock questions in record time, i feel relieved - but im going to get more counselling.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re counselling I would seriously consider contacting Al-anon or ACA (Adult children of alcoholics) if you do not already do so. What you feel is very much characteristic of an adult child of an alcoholic.

[Timeforabiscuit]

attila thank you so much for the adult children of alcoholics link, its highlighted why the counselling broke down as i couldnt describe my emotions in anything but crude terms and would pretty much do everything possible to avoid doing so, it ended up feeling like a waste of time and money - but i can now see why the counsellor was pushing so hard.

[lightcola]

I'm in the same boat Timeforabiscuit and it's awful isn't it? Well done for phoning. I know now you feel like you can relax for a bit knowing she is ok. Just remember the advice given above when you next feel like you need to call. Hope ACA can help, I haven't plucked up the courage yet.

[Timeforabiscuit]

lightcola I think alot of people are in the same boat, once I started opening up to people i was comfortable with and say i didnt have a good relationship with my mum as shes a drinker, i got alot more support than i thought i would.