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What now

(75 Posts)
snapyap Sun 04-Sep-16 14:33:46

Dh and I were meant to be somewhere today. He was ready, I wasn't as I had no clean clothes. Our toddler was sleepy and only goes asleep for me and went asleep sat on my knee. I put him in his bed and asked dh to just go out as I wasn't ready. He called me a lazy slob, a fucking arse hole, a shit bag, and went on about how he hadn't even wanted to go in the first place etc. I didn't retaliate. I couldn't. I don't know why he thinks he can speak to me like this. I left the room and tried to get out of the way but he kept following me room to room.

AnyFucker Sun 04-Sep-16 14:36:50

He is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship.

Bananalanacake Sun 04-Sep-16 14:37:57

Does he always speak to you like this or was it a one off?

qwom Sun 04-Sep-16 14:40:20

What anyfucker said

snapyap Sun 04-Sep-16 14:43:06

Not always, sometimes. It was strange. He said it so calmly without getting angry but the tirade lasted about 20 minutes. He's expecting me to act like nothing has happened. We're supposed to move house, closer to my family and out of a bad area. We've only just got a buyer and put an offer in on another property yesterday. I want to just take ds and leave but how can I? My mum says, don't lose this buyer over a row.

user1471888857 Sun 04-Sep-16 14:48:36

That's disgusting.
Nobody should speak to you like that never mind your partner.
I'm sorry you have to put up with that.
Are you normally happy with him?

snapyap Sun 04-Sep-16 14:56:42

Wow. My mum has said he's a good man and does a lot for me (eg he will do some housework, he works full time while I'm sahm to ds) so to let him have his blowout

user1471888857 Sun 04-Sep-16 14:57:46

A good man doesn't talk to his wife/gf like that

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 15:00:43

I'd be looking at how healthy your mum's relationships are - particularly with you - and whether she really has your best interests at heart.

I'd be looking at selling that house but not buying another with him. If my mum spoke to me like that I wouldn't be moving near her, either.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 04-Sep-16 15:03:48

You have a golden opportunity to end this once and for all. You have a buyer. Don't buy another place with him, take your share of the equity and rent somewhere alone.

He's an abusive prick and you need to get yourself and your child away from him.

Your mother's standards for what constitutes a good man are woefully low.

IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 04-Sep-16 15:06:14

Despite what your mum thinks she doesn't live with him. I agree with Af. You should not be treated like that. It makes me so angry how men treat women and call them lazy when it's a bloody hard job dealing with babies and children. I think you should try and speak to him in a calmer situation and if you get the same response consider him to move out for a bit.

snapyap Sun 04-Sep-16 15:35:04

How do I do any of that? This house only in his name, I don't even work so no income

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 15:36:49

He's your husband. It doesn't matter whether it's only in his name. If you're married, you jointly own everything.

You need to think very quickly about what you really want, OP. If you've put in an offer on a house it's only fair to withdraw it quickly if you don't want it.

AnyFucker Sun 04-Sep-16 16:35:07

Your mother is wrong

I would never encourage my daughter to stay in an abusive relationship. I would be offering her any way out I could if I knew she was being treated like that, and also that my grandchildren were being taught such damaging lessons about how relationships should be

Sassypants82 Sun 04-Sep-16 16:39:22

People who live & respect their partners don't speak to them like that. You deserve so much better. Think long & hard before you allow your child to grow up under his influence.

Sassypants82 Sun 04-Sep-16 16:40:03

Love *

MushuDragon Sun 04-Sep-16 16:42:04

Your mum is ok with the way he speaks to you?

Cut contact with both. Leave. Seriously. He has no right to talk to you like that.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 04-Sep-16 17:04:12

Hi OP. This is new to you but not to us. This is his trial run, now that you have a child and are about to lock into a property deal. He wants to know how far he can go, and the answer you have given him is much, much further.

Run like fuck and get a solicitor.

snapyap Sun 04-Sep-16 19:08:32

Oh fuck. I've had to carry on the day like nothing happened because when he gets like this there's no let up.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 19:14:52

Do you want your son to end up like his dad? Get the hell out. Claim benefits for the short term if you have to. Better than being beholding to an abusive man. Don't buy another house for feck sake!

EmmaMacgill Sun 04-Sep-16 19:32:26

Snapy Is this normal behaviour for him? Has he spoke to you like this before?
For comparison, my DH can get a bit impatient when we go out as he takes 10 minutes and I take about an hour, if he' ll either get ready after me or if he's ready before me he'll just sit and watch TV. he'd NEVER speak to me like that and never make an argument out of it.
You're a young woman, do you want this to be your life? Do you want this to be your son's life?
If he's not ready to change then you need to

AnyFucker Sun 04-Sep-16 19:53:56

So you have walked on eggshells all day in case you set him off again ?

This is no way to live sad

RubbishMantra Sun 04-Sep-16 20:08:04

My ddDH would have never spoken to me like that. It's actually extra chilling to read that he said it calmly, not as your DM describes as a "blow-out". Almost like a headmaster giving a pupil a dressing down. sad

toopeoply Sun 04-Sep-16 20:16:11

Is he even apologetic?

RubbishMantra Sun 04-Sep-16 20:27:12

*...could he not have asked if you'd like him to put some of your clothes in the wash along with his, knowing you had an event to attend together? Or does he expect to a) just wash his own clothes or b) expect you to be in charge of Things All Washing Machine Related?

I can imagine it's not easy looking after a toddler, and getting lectures on your "laziness" from your 'D'H.

I'd keep the buyer, and the equity will be split between you. Possibly in your favour, depending on who is the main carer of your child, (you).


It's entirely possible you can stay in the marital home, due to being to main carer of DC until they're 18, then house sold and equity split.

Keep a diary/log of this emotional abuse. It will serve you well in the future.

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