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Feel so unloved by my husband

(17 Posts)
MOB247 Sat 03-Sep-16 21:50:22

I got together with my husband nearly 10 years ago when I was 19 and he was 29. He is the only person I've ever been with.

We used to be really happy but 2DC later I feel so lonely in my marriage.

Issue 1 - he never initiates sex and when I so it always ends up with me giving him a hand job. This has been the same way ever since we have had our second child.

Issue 2 - sex again. To he completely honest I've never orgasm during sex with him. I started off faking early on in our relationship and it's a nasty habit I can't get out of. He never does oral but expects me to return the favour sometimes.

Issue 3 - he never shows any affection outside the bedroom. I always seem to go to bed at 9ish then he stays downstairs for a good 3 hours the most of the time I'm asleep by the time he gets up. He never says I look nice - even on our wedding day he never told me I look beautiful.

Just that really I'm not even 28 yet but can't imagine staying like this forever. So scared of what the future holds.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 03-Sep-16 21:52:00

What is he doing downstairs for 3 hours?
Messaging ow?

Assam Sat 03-Sep-16 21:54:53

your story could be mine except I'm 37!
2 years ago I left I couldn't put up with being treated like that any longer. It has been very hard of course but I'm much happier smile

TheBouquets Sat 03-Sep-16 21:57:46

I agree with Assam

troglodite Sat 03-Sep-16 22:04:21

He is not meeting your needs. You deserve so much better and you are still very young. He is controlling you - keeping you down - staying downstairs, making you initiate sex and then giving you no pleasure, but deigning to use you as a w**k accessory - it will eat away your self esteem and then your soul.

Start planning to make changes.

12purpleapples Sat 03-Sep-16 22:08:39

Have you discussed how you feel with him? Or tried counselling?

I left my STBXH after various issues, I felt unloved. I'm so so glad that I did it. He reacted very negatively at the time, but I'm so much happier and now seeing someone lovely who makes me feel really cherished. Staying in a loveless marriage is soul destroying, please don't underestimate the benefit of leaving, if you decide that you need to end it.

MOB247 Sun 04-Sep-16 07:58:38

In response to pp I have no idea what he does downstairs - porn is a likely scenario because he sometimes has a shower afterwards.

I know I can't continue like this he is just so selfish sometimes. Our baby still doesn't sleep through so I do 100% of night feeds etc and always get up with them first thing in the morning.

I tried speaking to him last night but he was too busy watching police academy on tv! Then when I turned it off he was too busy on his phone!

Just feel totally undervalued and unloved - pretty miserable at the moment.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 04-Sep-16 08:57:36

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

You feel undervalued and unloved because you are undervalued and unloved. My guess is that your man has always undervalued you from the early days of your relationship as well. Did he sweep you off your feet when you were 19, were you in a bad place yourself at that time?.

What has kept you within this loveless marriage?. You really cannot afford to teach your children that this is their norm as well. Your children are learning from the two of you about relationships, do you really want to teach them this role model of one?.

You're now 27; you can make a better life for yourself without this deadweight who has checked out and dragging you down with him. Fear is powerful and people stay for all sorts of reasons but no obstacle is insurmountable.

MammouthTask Sun 04-Sep-16 09:02:56

Counselling for yourself is a good idea IMO. This will be help clarify what is and isn't an issue for you.

Then I would have a chat with him, a serious one, where you will put things on the line, ie 'If things don't change, we will get divorced'. He deserves a chance to get his acts together but his behaviour screams of 'I'm not happy in this relationship' TBH.

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 16:14:42

His behaviour screams of absolutely taking the OP for granted, tbh, rather than unhappiness.

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 16:15:33

How do you feel when you think of the next ten years being like this?

You are so young and you have the potential for so many happy and fulfilling years ahead of you. Do you think you'll have them with this man?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 04-Sep-16 16:40:02

What is he actually FOR? Not pleasure, not a helpmeet, not even someone who likes you. Ten years without an orgasm? Ffs.

I can tell you this: it will get worse. In 5 years the last of his youthful spark will go, and he'll blob out on the sofa lifting his legs as you push the Hoover round. He'll bark orders, ignore the children, and treat the house as a rubbish bin.

Go now.

AnchorPyjamas Mon 05-Sep-16 17:30:03

Your situation is eerily similar to my own. I was hoping you'd have lots of replies telling you it was fine and it all worked out for them.

I have an amazing, beautiful DC but I feel completely trapped as a result. I've no idea where to go from here.

Blueshoessingloose Mon 05-Sep-16 18:07:02

Good communication is essential for good sex. You faked pleasure from the beginning so he never learnt what turns you on. And given that neither of you are open, honest about and discuss sex, the room for exploring is closed and skills that make you better in bed are not being developed.

No sex is better than bad sex so I can understand why he has no interest. You could try get him into sex therapy. If he's not open to that then are you prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life?

MOB247 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:48:25

Thanks for all the replies I really am finding them helpful. No one I feel comfortable talking to in RL.

I know I was stupid to fake it early on and I bitterly regret it now. I was a stupid 19 year old who wanted to make my partner happy. I don't know if it's relevant but when i was 16 I was sexually assaulted by my then boyfriend. Since the day after it happened until I met my husband I had no interest in men . When I met my husband I jumped all in just wanting love and attention which I realise now was wrong!

No idea where to go from here. I've tried talking to him but he isn't interested at all. I stopped faking a few years ago and he hasn't noticed. The only love and affection I get are from my children and I am starting to realise that isn't enough for me.

Blueshoessingloose Mon 05-Sep-16 19:35:14

You were very young flowers You need to look to the future. If he can't be open about sex, if he's not prepared to listen, open up and change then maybe it's time to think about moving on. Sex is a hugely important part of a relationship for most people and it's obviously a very important thing for you too. Focus on what you want and think about how you can get that.

keepingonrunning Mon 05-Sep-16 20:37:26

MOB, Anchor From what you say, Hs are not emotionally present in the marriage. Cut your losses and get out now, especially as you are young. Choose a joyful life, a life in which you are loved and appreciated. You will survive.
You are being neglected, it's emotional abuse. It's soul destroying and DC will pick up on the atmosphere. You are being used in the most selfish way in the bedroom.
Living with a porn addict and an undercurrent of sleaze will always be dispiriting If he was only looking at model railways online late at night he would still be interested in you.

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