Don't feel like our wedding anniversary is something to 'celebrate'

[ralice]

I really need to vent.

OH and I are having trouble. I mentioned in a previous thread that he can't stop lying. I confronted him early last week about it and he has agreed to seek counselling. He had his first session this Tuesday and said it went well. He has 4 more scheduled in.

I also told him how unhappy I am living in a 'shithole'. Ok, it's not that bad, but that's because I do all the cleaning. He does about 3% of the cleaning and no DIY, so the house is falling down around us. I'm self-employed and look after LO (11 months). I do my work when he's napping and on Wednesdays and Thursdays when he's at nursery. I don't actually have much time to 'myself' to do cleaning, let alone relax like he gets to every evening and weekend. Not only does he not clean, but it's like he actively makes mess too. Dirty socks get taken off and left everywhere. Shoes by the sofa, ready for LO to lick (grim), bags dumped in front of the shoe cupboard in the hall so we can't actually use it, dirty bowls put on top of the dishwasher, bottle caps left where they fall...

His parents are coming to stay tonight so, understandably, I've been trying to clean the house. I've also been up since 6.30am with the baby. At 8.30am I woke OH up and asked if he'd like to take LO to the park so I could do some cleaning without LO under my feet. He said no, he was 'too tired'. Fine. I went out with LO myself and asked OH to clean the bathroom.

I get back and he's up there cleaning - great! Except when I went in there for a shower after putting LO down for a nap I noticed that nothing was wet, the sponge hadn't been used, the cif hadn't been touched. Basically he'd 'wiped' down the side of the bath, the sink and the toilet with dry loo roll, then squirted bleach down the loo. Hadn't emptied the bin, hadn't actually cleaned anything, hadn't even bothered to lift up the soap dispenser to clean the scum underneath! I ended up cleaning it all myself.

...Then I come downstairs to find him just playing on his phone! The kitchen is a mess, the front room needs hoovering (MUCH easier without a baby crawling around and trying to hug the hoover!), the dishwasher needs unloading/reloading. He hasn't even bothered to wash up LO's bottle ready for when he next needs it.

What a useless wanker!! Lazy bastard dickhead wanker. It's our 2nd wedding anniversary on Monday and I've got him fuck all because I don't feel like celebrating. It's 'cotton', so maybe I'll buy him some dishcloths and tell him to get to work. Wanker.

Any advice? Cleaning rota? LTB? Go on strike? I hate living like this. The other day I was fantasising about what it would be like if LO and I lived alone - it would be so clean and tidy! No random hair gel tubs left on the dining table for weeks; no shoes at the bottom of the stairs to trip me up while carrying LO; no fat sweaty man snoring next to me all night. UGH.

[Boogers]

Is the counselling for him or is it for you both?

That doesn't sound like a happy place to be and I don't blame you for not feeling loved up on your anniversary weekend. Have you been explicit in telling him exactly what it is that's getting you down?

[ralice]

Hi Boogers, thanks for replying.

Yes, I was very specific - I told him I hate living in a situation where the house is a mess, DIY doesn't get done, he doesn't pull his weight etc. Since our talk last week he has: fixed the cat flap by cleaning the sensor and got rid of his 'floordrobe' (where he chucks all his clothes instead of in the laundry tub). He also chucked some sink unblocker down the drain. Trouble is once he's done these things he thinks, 'Great! I've done my part, now I can relax for the evening.' Errr, no. There's so much more to running a home than doing one little task every few days. I told him I will NOT live like this for the next 60 years.

[ralice]

Oh and the counselling is just for him, it's about him being a compulsive liar.

[Naicehamshop]

TBH he sounds like a waste of space. What are his good points - or can't you think of any?

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

If he is such a liar can you be sure he attended his appointment? Its draining having such a dh. Been there. Divorced him when the lying got so bad.

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

He sounds awful. I'd 'celebrate' by calling it a day before it even gets to two years. This dickhead has no respect for you or your home.

My DP is messy, leaves socks everywhere etc but when pointed out he will at least make an effort and often empties the dishwasher etc without having to be asked, will feel suitably embarrassed when I put his pile of floordrobe clothes on the bed for him to sort out etc.

If it was just the mess I'd say that you need a serious conversation about standards, maybe hire a cleaner (he can pay if you have separate finances because they are picking up HIS slack) but with the compulsive lying too he just sounds like he doesn't really want to make you happy.

At the very least, kicking him out means he will have to run his own household and realise exactly how much you do. And you have one less person to clean up after.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Turning in to a martyr is not the way to deal with this. I did this once with housemates and it just caused me to suffer - I was angry all of the time and filled my head with negative thoughts like I was obviously nothing but a skivvy, I lived in a shithole, I live with arseholes etc etc.

The best solution I think is equal leisure time, even if that means you both do everything together. E.g. you both clean the bathroom together, you both take your daughter to the park, you both clean the floordrobe up together etc etc.

[AnyFucker]

What the fuck are you with this idiot for ?

[Lightheartedindeed]

No advice but offering a hand hold. Similar situation here, third anniversary on Monday and not much to celebrate either.

[ImperialBlether]

My thoughts exactly, AF.

[allthecarbs]

Is there anything at all that makes you want to stay with him for the rest of your life? Seriously, what's good about him?

[ralice]

Hi, thanks for the replies.

The thing is, he's not a nasty man. He's not abusive, he doesn't abuse alcohol, he's sweet, he's funny, he's loving. He is a good father.

He's just so lazy. Unless it's something that benefits him right in the moment (eg cooking or trying to impress/make up for something) then he just doesn't bother. He dyed his beard for a fancy dress party yesterday and the dye kit is still out on the side in the bathroom - I dread to think how long it'll be there, because I'm not moving it! He also stained the toilet seat and I've asked him twice to clean it and he hasn't.

He did, however, spend a couple of hours cleaning up after the party - to impress my parents, whose party it was...

[Isetan]

This is who he is, accept him or limit your exposure to him but handwringing ain't going to change him.

[Lottapianos]

'He is a good father'

What does that actually mean OP? Does he interact with his child occasionally and show vague interest in him now and then? That seems to be how low the bar is set for being a 'good father'.

He sounds like a teenager who has to be told a million times to clean their room. This person is not behaving like an adult or a decent partner. Housework and DIY are a pain in the bum but need to split in a fair way between the adults in the household. It sounds like you could do so much better. The fact that you're fantasising about how much more pleasant life would be without him speaks volumes

[ralice]

Good point, Lottapianos.

He's a good father in that he enjoys spending time with LO (11 months) and likes holding him, cuddling him, tickling him. But I think he's a bit lazy with LO too, now I think about it. He'll put the tv on to keep him entertained rather than get on the floor and play with him or read a book. He rarely gets up with him in the night - only if I beg him, basically.

He works full time and also does some hobbies during the week after work so he doesn't get to spend that much time with LO and often gets home after he's gone to bed, so you'd think he'd jump at the chance for a midnight snuggle or taking him to the park on a Saturday morning. But that's too much effort I suppose.

[Wallywobbles]

This is as good as its going to get, and in all probability its downhill from here on in. Good luck with that, or get shot.

He sounds like he'll be a great every other weekend dad, and you can at least get every other weekend off, and less than half the work load you have now. Why wait?

[adora1]

So you have an adult child then OP, he sounds bloody awful, I'd have zero respect for him tbh, can't be doing with lazy gits like that, good father, you are joking.

[Lottapianos]

So he will play around with LO when he's in a fun and giggly mood, but sticks him in front of the telly when he gets a bit bored? You have to beg him to tend to his child in the night? Nothing you've said suggests 'good father' to me

Men tend to get hailed as great fathers if they ever show the slightest interest in their child, whereas mothers can be busting their humps day and night and not get any recognition at all

[PastoralCare]

It looks like you are going to have to decide what kind of situation you prefer:

a) Alone but things getting done

vs

B)In a relationship with a nice but lazy and lying partner.

[Northernnightingale86]

I feel for you. My dh is rather lazy. It used to be me doing 90% of everything and I made myself think it was because his job took up time in the evening yet he still always found time to do his hobby.
He lost his job last year so has no excuse and I have told him what I expect of him while I am at work.
We still have a way to go for him to think of things himself and to get a bloody job! But 6 months ago he would have sat home all day and done nothing so progress has been made.
You need to stop doing things after him and tell him you know he hasn't cleaned this/that. If he doesn't make an effort then whats the point in staying.
I am at odds weekly about whether to stay but while I feel progress is being made I want to give it a shot.

[ralice]

I do have an adult child, adora1. That's a good way of putting it. I have told him that I don't respect him right now. He was very upset and hurt by that and has said that he feels terrible to have acted in such a way as to lose my respect. But he hasn't really pulled his socks up that much since then. Ok, slightly better - he loaded the dishwasher last night without me asking, but he hasn't cleaned up his beard dye kit, emptied the bins [bin day was this morning] or done anything else, really. I'm still waiting on him to change two blown light bulbs in the kitchen. I said I'd do it but he was adamant he would, yet the bulbs are still sitting on the counter over a week later...

Lottapianos, I get what you mean about men doing the bare minimum and being seen as good fathers. He tells me how good I am with LO, how patient I am, how I do so much for LO... It's almost like he's surprised! But that's just what being a parent is, there's nothing special about me - it's how he should be too. I see LO and I want to read to him, to play with him, to teach him things. To interact with him.

Wallywobbles I was actually thinking that just the other day. If he had a set, specific time with LO he'd have to make the most of it. And I'd have way more spare time!

This isn't going to end well, is it?

[BeMorePanda]

You appear to have married a Lazy bastard dickhead wanker.
I suspect most cases are incurable.
So sorry OP.

Who on earth fancies a useless man child?

this might help you: www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

[BeMorePanda]

B)In a relationship with a nice but lazy and lying partner.

Is lying "nice"?
Really?

[ralice]

Oh Northernnightingale86, sorry you're having a tough time of it too!

It does sound very similar. My OH actually lost two jobs recently and was unemployed from July - September 2015 (while I was pregnant - LO born end of September) and then again from April - July 2016. Despite all his time at home he did no DIY, basically no cleaning, no gardening, no night feeds... I'd be hoovering the house at 9 months pregnant while he was playing GTA on the Xbox!

If I wasn't working I don't think I'd mind so much about the cleaning (I'd still be mad about the DIY though) but I'm self-employed now, trying to squeeze in work while LO naps. Ugh.

[ralice]

BeMorePanda - I actually sent OH that link months ago! He could totally understand where I was coming from, but hasn't consistently made an effort since.

I even told him that each time he leaves something out or doesn't bother cleaning up after himself he should say, out loud: "Fuck you Ralice, you can do it."

I thought it would work but clearly hasn't!