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Don't know where to start....

(48 Posts)
troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 14:59:25

As the title says, way too much to write in just this post, but suffice to say, been married 6 years, not getting on for the last 1. No sex for 9 months, no cuddling or kissing for around 1-2 months. We are away on holiday with friends and we've had to share a bed, we haven't at home for a while and nothing's happened. Built up the courage to ask for a kiss this morning and was turned down flat, feel about as attractive and wanted as a wet fish. Fed up doesn't cover it......just wanted to tell someone. Thanks for reading.

lakefaith Fri 02-Sep-16 15:04:09

I am sorry this is happening. It sounds very upsetting. Turning you down for a kiss? That doesn't sound right. Why did he do that? What affection does he show you? If he shows you no affection it's like you are house mates not lovers. You sound unhappy about this, does he know that's how you feel (you shouldn't have to tell him) but you might have to.

Arcadia Fri 02-Sep-16 15:06:41

Do you have children OP? It sounds hard, horrible to feel rejected like that. How is communication between you?

troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 15:07:05

I don't know, previously we haven't been affectionate as we haven't been getting on but I guess I got carried away with the romance of being away and seeing the other couple we are with being the affectionate. I feel so sad and it hits home how polar apart we are in what we want from our relationship going forward

Buzzardbird Fri 02-Sep-16 15:07:49

Any children in the mix?

HuskyLover1 Fri 02-Sep-16 15:08:58

Oh dear, that's not good. Can you identify what happened a year ago, when things took a downturn? I would be checking his phone tbh.

troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 15:12:46

No children involved so all good there. He is highly opinionated man and literally thinks he is always right - that's when we mainly argue. I don't think there has ever been a time when we haven't argued. I feel like I want to leave and be single but am scared. Although I left my first husband without hesitation. Don't know why it's different...

lakefaith Fri 02-Sep-16 15:28:41

Life is short, I don't take my own advice but life is too short to feel the way your feeling. Talk to him, tell him how you feel and what you need from him, let him do the same. If he won't do the things it needs to get you both on track then maybe it's time to seek what you need from someone more able to provide it.

Buzzardbird Fri 02-Sep-16 15:29:54

Reason I asked about children is because sometimes things get dragged on because with children you just don't have time to sit down and discuss issues. In your case is there any other reason why this has been going on for so long? And what started it?

Dowser Fri 02-Sep-16 15:30:31

You know yourself op you can't live like this.

I think turning you down for a kiss means the very last line has been crossed.

Time to get ducks in a row I think

troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 15:32:39

We cannot communicate. I try very hard not to play the blame game, I red online how best to solve issues but he isn't the same. He sees just me as the issue, I cannot tell you or sum up just how low I currently feel. He is like Jekyll & Hyde today - I am just in disbelief. I'm also embarrassed as I feel conscious the other couple are picking up the atmosphere between us.

ImperialBlether Fri 02-Sep-16 15:36:10

Why don't you make up your mind now that it's over? Whether you tell him that now or not, it would help you to know it. You wouldn't make advances towards him if you split up, so don't now. You wouldn't be more than civil to him if you split up, so start that now.

Financially, could you cope if you lived apart?

troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 15:36:40

I know Dowser and i don't want to, feel like my life is slipping away and I'm bored of walking on egg shells all the time. I'm a strong and independent woman with a good career who can easily stand on her own two feet so why can't I walk away and do the right thing?

troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 15:39:42

Imperiablether - I can cope financially, thats not an issue. I sit here and think yes that's it, but then actually saying it to him
is the hard part. I wished he would just follow through with what he threatens and then I wouldn't need to!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 02-Sep-16 15:45:25

What happened a year ago?. Did a single event or a series of events set this in motion?.

Re an earlier comment of yours:-

"I feel like I want to leave and be single but am scared".

What are you scared of?. If it is being alone it sounds like you are pretty much alone now within this marriage. It is hard to leave but staying within this is really no option at all for you. You are simply stopping your own self from moving on and finding someone who does want to be with you. Such men as well do not change, this is who he is. Maybe you have stayed until now because you still think on some level he will change for the better.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 02-Sep-16 15:48:07

What does he threaten you with? Violence? He himself leaving?.

Nah, such men do not leave, they are too cowardly to do that. They want their woman aka possession to make that move for them then they can go around saying to others, "oh she left me" in pitying tones.

Buzzardbird Fri 02-Sep-16 15:48:18

Waiting for him to make the decision is just making you both miserable though isn't it?
Pretty sure he can't be enjoying the status quo either.

Get your heads together and sort out what the plan is.

tipsytrifle Fri 02-Sep-16 15:49:22

I wished he would just follow through with what he threatens and then I wouldn't need to!

What do you mean by that, trouble? What does he threaten?

It's difficult to accept, perhaps, that another mistake has been made; maybe it's the thought of "failing for a second time" that holds you back? Have you tried turning it round and seeing that you were right to end your first marriage and you'd be just as right to end this one. No-one's keeping a scorecard. What matters is your level of misery when romantic/marital life is for being happy and fulfilled. You took responsibility the first time. You can do it again.

Seeing another couple who are happy has no doubt given you the sharp contrast you needed to realise that what you have isn't a pleasant or pleasing relationship.

troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 15:56:44

No violence - he has threatened multiple times to leave / divorce me but nothing has ever come of it. I am leading a miserable life and know I am happier when he isn't there. We were so happy in the beginning and I'm scared he'll find someone else and they'll have the happiness with him that I wanted - there I said it, that was hard to admit. I am not scared of being alone but scared as per my previous comment. I want that happiness with him

Buzzardbird Fri 02-Sep-16 15:58:37

Tell him exactly what you have just said. It sounds as though his threats are trying to get a reaction from you. He sounds miserable too.

troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 16:01:38

He is miserable, he has said it. He has just said to me I talk to the other couple I'm with differently to how I talk to him. Yes I do because I haven't got all the baggage with them and I don't have to walk on egg shells! He's currently sat inside sulking on the last day of our holidays sad

troubleatmill2011 Fri 02-Sep-16 16:03:05

Meerkat - cannot think of one single or multi events that led to this, just been building for a while.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 02-Sep-16 16:04:00

My guess is that the early days of happiness on his part was really an act designed to draw you in even more. How often does he threaten you with divorce?. What is your response to him when he does that?

As I wrote before such men do not readily leave, they are too cowardly to do that. They want their woman aka possession to make that move for them then they can go around saying to others, "oh she left me" in pitying tones. He stays with you because it suits him to do so, he is toying with you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 02-Sep-16 16:13:52

You can walk away and do the right thing because you are a strong and independent woman with a good career who can easily stand on her own two feet

You'll never be happy with him. No one will ever be happy with him. Cut your losses. Sulking on the last day of the holiday and that refused kiss gives you the perfect "moment" to end it.

Although if I were you I'd keep the "moment" in my head for now. See a solicitor soon and get everything ready, like a new place to live and so on. That way you can tell him you've had enough then leave immediately so you don't have to put up with whatever antics he pulls.

You must have bought into his idea that he is the Big Boss of Everything if you are desperately hoping for him to end the relationship instead of just doing it yourself. I bet you'll realise how controlled you are when you are out.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 02-Sep-16 16:14:19

Sulking is never about silence; its about control. He does that because it works for him. He perhaps has you worried about him.

Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. You cannot go on living like this; its not fair on you and living with him further will just drag you down with him.

The effect of shutting a partner out is a powerful tool in conveying displeasure. More so if others around you are given a lot of positive attention while you’re frozen out.

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive action where a person feels bad but is unable to express themselves. Their being 'silent' is never a silent act. It generates what the sulker wants. Attention and the knowledge others are hurt. Plus a feeling of power from creating uncertainty over how long the ‘silence’ will last.

Whether they have learned this in the past or present, if they repeatedly engage in this behaviour as an adult this is something they are making a deliberate choice to do. Even if they feel like they have no control over their feelings or actions. This is particularly important to remember if you are prone to try and ‘fix’ things in the relationship or if you feel you have done something to cause them to withdraw.

Your focus is on your needs, confidence and reactions. Everything else is down to them to fix. The responsibility for any freezing out is theirs and theirs alone.

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