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How do you apologise for something awful?

(22 Posts)
SteamingPOS Fri 02-Sep-16 08:53:02

I did something awful. During a very heated argument in which I thought I was being dumped I threatened to divulge some information to a mutual friend that was told to me in confidence.

It was a total and utterly dick thing to do and I am so, so ashamed.

To make it worse it was a total empty threat in desperation and I never would have contacted the person. However the person was told this pre-emptively, before I told them.

But I never would have sad

To put things in context I've been very ill lately, mentally. My depression medication has been changed and increased. I've been prescribed proprananol and am waiting to speak to a counsellor.
When this all happened I was rock bottom and was considering suicide (I gathered all the pills in the house but couldn't do it. I'm a mother)

Now that I'm feeling better and more myself again I'm so ashamed.

My partner has forgiven me I think but the friend... I don't think they have. Understandable. But the rift between us greatly affects me and my partners relationship.

I just want them to know how sorry I am. I'm not placing all blane on me being ill. I know what I did. I'm genuinely sorry and want to fix things.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 02-Sep-16 09:02:52

You may just have to chalk this one up and let it go. I would suggest writing them a letter (if they don't wish to see you yet) and then you have to leave the ball in their court. If they feel they don't wish to heal the rift, then you have to respect their decision and leave them be. Sometimes people can accept you did something in the heat of the moment or because you were unwell but it doesn't mean they can get over it, because they feel the trust is lost or that you might do something similar again.

Best bet is to concentrate on looking after yourself.

SteamingPOS Fri 02-Sep-16 09:06:15

I understand that but in the long run this person is vital to my relationship with my partner. It would mean a lifetime of uncomfortable feelings.

I think time is the best healer but I want them to know I'm not some crazy person I was in a bad place and feeling desperate. I had never felt like that in my life before. It was scary and I reacted terribly.

TikTakTok Fri 02-Sep-16 09:57:18

The best way to apologies is to do it simply and honestly and to not include any disclaimers.

Including the fact you did it in the heat of the moment, that you are depressed, that you are on medication etc etc is relevant to why you may have done it but it will seem like an excuses to the person you are apologizing to.

It might make it sound to them like you don't think it was actually your fault.

Just say I'm really sorry and that you regret saying it.

Good luck, I hope it works out.

category12 Fri 02-Sep-16 09:59:51

Unfortunately there is no quick fix. Apologise sincerely and offer no self-justification.

The only way you can prove you're not a crazy or bad person, is to demonstrate that over time. You can't make them know it. Things may be irreparably broken between you, the only thing to do is to accept and not chase them over it or expect them to change their minds - if in time they warm up to you again, that's a gift, if not, you will just have to manage the relationship civilly.

SteamingPOS Fri 02-Sep-16 10:25:34

I can't believe I fucked up so badly.

AnotherEmma Fri 02-Sep-16 10:33:22

I think that beating yourself up so much about it is not healthy and it's probably a symptom of your depression. Yes, you made a nasty threat, and it was an unpleasant thing to do, but it doesn't make you a bad person and IMO it's not the end of the world. The most important thing is that you regret it and you have apologised. If you still need to apologise to your friend you should keep it short and sweet, and then move on. If they can't or won't forgive you, it's their problem not yours.

Why is this friend so "vital" to your relationship with your partner? I can't think of a single person who is vital to my marriage apart from me and my DH.

SteamingPOS Fri 02-Sep-16 11:36:26

Because he's been a best friend for almost 15 years and they do alot together. I don't want to come between that or have bad vibes around us all. I don't want any of our relationships to be damaged. It would be a very sad thibg for this to all be messed up and any of us lose our ties.

category12 Fri 02-Sep-16 11:54:30

It doesn't need to come between, just give it time and behave normally with the friend. You can't go back so just move forward. The relationship will be whatever it will be, you can't do more beyond the apology, just see how things pan out. As pp said you do seem like you're catastrophising, so be aware of that being part of your thought patterns and weigh it accordingly. I'm sure things will pan out OK.

MatildaTheCat Fri 02-Sep-16 11:59:45

You write or meet the person and say how extremely sorry and remorseful you are. You understand that the person may never be able to forgive or trust you again or not for a very long time but hope that someday you may be friends again.

If your partner really has forgiven you and this is his friend then I suppose he might be nice about it but it depends what it was, really.

After you have done this, put it to bed. We have all done and said silly things whe regret later. It's part of the human condition.

fastdaytears Fri 02-Sep-16 12:00:15

How does the 3rd party know about something that was said between you and your OH?

SteamingPOS Fri 02-Sep-16 12:11:35

Fast, my partner told them. Because I was threatening to tell them I knew. I know how childish that sounds.

But it backfired as although i never really intended to in reality, my partner went to friend and said 'look POS is upset and they are sayibg xyz. I wanted you to explain the circumstances in which they were told myself before you hear it from them vindictivly'

It's all very embarrassing blush

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 02-Sep-16 12:16:57

It matters hugely what the secret was.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 02-Sep-16 12:27:13

No, it doesn't matter at all what the secret was hmm
The only thing you can do is apologise & do it with no excuses made whatsoever. At the end of the day though he is your partners friend so they will be able to continue with the friendship even if he can't get past this & forgive you.

lakefaith Fri 02-Sep-16 15:13:05

Everyone has said something they wish they had not. You clearly are sorry and would take the words back if you could but you sadly can't so all you can do is say you are sorry and you didn't mean what you said. If they don't forgive you then that's a shame but you really can't do much else. Don't beat yourself up ok.

timelytess Fri 02-Sep-16 15:14:56

Stop worrying. If the person didn't want you to tell, they shouldn't have told you. If they didn't want to be found out, they shouldn't have done it.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Move on with a clear conscience.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 02-Sep-16 15:31:21


I hope that non of my friends feel the same way that you do.

Isetan Fri 02-Sep-16 19:14:16

You've apologised, there's nothing more you can do but respect the other persons right not to forgive you. If this person is vital to your relationship with your partner, then the dynamic between you all isn't healthy and maybe that unhealthy dynamic was a contributing factor to this situation.

I understand your fears but your focus should be on your MH.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 02-Sep-16 19:27:06

Did the secret hurt the friend?

I think it does hold some relevance what type of secret it was

BlueFolly Sat 03-Sep-16 01:35:44

In this situation I hardly think that publishing the secret online where all and sundry could read it would help the OP in her current predicament though, so don't feel pressured in telling us what it is OP.

BlueFolly Sat 03-Sep-16 01:36:11

People are just being nosey.

QueenLizIII Sat 03-Sep-16 02:30:36

When this all happened I was rock bottom and was considering suicide (I gathered all the pills in the house but couldn't do it. I'm a mother)

Forget the friend.

You are no fit state to deal with anyone else right now. Focus on your MH and yourself.

It is nobodys business what the secret it, dont tell. It is too identifying.
If your DP is keeping heavy secrets from a best friend of 15 years, that sounds like an added layer of drama that you are best off out of.

You threatened to tell but you didnt and your DP did in the end while dropping you in it. Way to go being so supportive of you whilst you're so ill.

Just worry about yourself.

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