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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

"Relationship" advice please.

60 replies

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:06

This is a long one so I'm sorry, I really need advice. I'm 33 and met a guy who is 38 on a dating site (match) 7 years ago. We spoke and speak on the phone, emails, texts, face time everyday for the whole of the 7 years. I have been single the whole time and he tells me he has too, I believed it because he reminds me of Sheldon (Big Bang theory) in these 7 years at the start it was flirty, and there had been rude photos and steamy phone calls but clearly as we have never met in person nothing else, the flirting and rude stuff has all stopped and he doesn't engage in that at all with me. He has given me his address and we send each other birthday and Christmas cards. I have done all the checks I can to see if he has a wife or partner but I really don't think he does. He tells me he wants to be with me "I see our future together" and he tells me that he loves me and can only see himself with me but nothing has ever happened. I have only had two past partners and both had been very violent and I feel like he might be taking advantage of my lack of good judgement. I have a ok job I'm a teacher and I'm not a complete monster and get male attention offen but I feel so attacked to him. I really need as many peoples point of view as possible, I'm so lost at the moment please help me see more clear.

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pinkyredrose · 02/09/2016 01:09

Please don't tell me you've been waiting 7 yrs?

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:10

Oh I forgot to add, he works about 1hour and a half away and lives nearly 2hours away. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.

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lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:11

Yes more or less yes. I don't tell him I'm waiting but I guess that's what I have been doing. I'm ashamed of doing this. : (

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pinkyredrose · 02/09/2016 01:15

Well then you need to own those feelings of shame, look them in the eye and tell them to fuck off and stop ruining your life. Delete this piss taking wanker immediately. You should have done it yrs ago but ffs do it now! And go out and maybe you'll meet a real guy not a using arsehole on a screen.

PitilessYank · 02/09/2016 01:18

If he had wanted to meet you it would have happened by now, for sure.

If you want an in-person romantic relationship with someone, you will have to cut it off with him. I think you know that...

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:19

I feel like deleting him so often because I don't understand the point of keeping me behind the screen, I feel like I'm sucked into this fake relationship. I feel so emotionally involved, I feel as if it is real I understand that it isn't but maybe for him it is?
Maybe it could be another reason why he hadn't made things happen? When I met him his brother had just started seeing this women, in the time we have been speaking they have got married, brought a house and had their first baby today, I feel like I will never have that with him, but he does tell me that I will.

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ageingrunner · 02/09/2016 01:21

What's the excuse for you not meeting? I thought you were going to be on different continents

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:22

Thank you PitilessYank. Yes I no if he really wanted to meet me he would have pushed for that to happen, I feel like I don't want to start a relationship with someone else but I do feel like me keeping this going isn't healthy for me and it feels not fair on my part.

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ageingrunner · 02/09/2016 01:22

You should google the 'sunk costs fallacy' btw

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:23

His excuse is that " I'm just shy, I'm scared you won't like me, I'm scared it will mess what we have up" he more or less uses the same lines when I talk to him about this subject.

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ageingrunner · 02/09/2016 01:25

How odd. I think you need to block him and get on with your life

powershowerforanhour · 02/09/2016 01:27

If the flirting and rude stuff has stopped coming your way, I suspect somebody else is getting it.
He only lives 2 hours away- if you were going to be together you would be by now.
Google "sunk costs fallacy" and move on.
Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear.
(BTW I was secretly obsessed with somebody for YEARS- he didn't even know about it. I fantasised about what we'd call our kids, what kind of dogs we would have, the works. Nothing ever happened. Embarrassing huh? I don't tell anyone IRL. I eventually stopped fancying him at all and we are both happily married to other people. I still see him sometimes, still don't fancy him at all. So there is life after the one you thought was The One, but wasn't).

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:28

Ageingrunner, thank you I just googled it. Yes that is what I'm doing now. I don't have a very good judgement on men, I was brought up in a domestic violent home and went into a very adusive relationship which went on for 10 years. Meeting this man who seemed gentle and non pushy felt so different and I felt safe for the first time ever, but I just always felt we would end up together but knowing that we are still on the same spot as 7 years ago makes me feel worthless. I feel as I love him and letting go of whatever this is will really hurt me.

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MotherOfROC · 02/09/2016 01:29

This is very strange that over 7 years you have never met in person . I definitely smell a rat sorry OP if that was me i would have stalked out his address in person by now and wonder why he was so unwilling to meet.

powershowerforanhour · 02/09/2016 01:31

Ha! XP with ageingrunner. In your case the "sunk costs" include all the emotional energy you have spent and the years you have "been faithful". Let 'em go.

powershowerforanhour · 02/09/2016 01:34

Something else to google- "future faking"

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:35

To tell the truth I have stalked him a bit on line, well a lot online. Well he had Facebook then deleted it, I found an instgram which had mostly his friends with lots of women, he has now deleted that. I have checked his friends Facebook photos and his in some but not with anyone. Yes I have wanted to wait outside his house but I spot call him at all different times and he always picks up, (not like a cheating man) he lives on his own. I do not understand why he asks me to wait for him? What is he doing?

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powershowerforanhour · 02/09/2016 01:39

Enjoying the power of keeping you on a string probably.
Either that or he is ultra ultra shy and socially inept and you are both doing the same thing- keeping the relationship in a safe fantasy land rather than risking a real relationship which might go tits up.

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:40

Powershowerforanhour, thank you I just googled it. Yes this is what's going on. He was the only man not to be abusive to me, I liked it and I sucked up all the promises of a future because I want that, I understand why I stayed around for 7 years but I don't understand why he would, his not sleeping with me, what's the point on his side.?

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lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:42

So with his "shyness" he see friends regular, goes to pubs, gatherings. Travels. He told me that before he met me he had only had short term relationships or one night stands. To me that doesn't seem shy.

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powershowerforanhour · 02/09/2016 01:44

Trouble is that nice safe relationship will just drift on and on and on if neither of you do something. Which is fine, if you don't ever want sex or children or to make dinner together or huddle under a tree out of the rain together or see each other getting old or one of you cry when the other one dies in their arms or to hold your grandchildren.

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:49

I have a child, I had a baby the who turned one the year I met him online. My partner was abusive and I fell pregnant due to rape, the police was involved and I moved and found a new school to teach in and it's just been me and my child ever since then, no men at all apart from this guy over the phone.

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lakefaith · 02/09/2016 01:50

There is a small part of me that is saying maybe I can just plod along, just enjoy the phone calls. But there is also a part of me that thinks I'm not old, I'm young enough to start again and I would like not to be lonely one day but with him I will always be lonely.

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powershowerforanhour · 02/09/2016 01:51

Well I was going to suggest grasping the nettle and speeding the relationship along full blast and dumping him if he wasn't up for that. But from your last post I don't think he's a tortured shy boy who thinks about you all day long.
You probably only occupy his brain space when he's actually messaging you, and not even all the brain space. You might be an amusing fantasy for him while he gets on with his nice commitment phobic life.
Dump.

pieceofpurplesky · 02/09/2016 01:53

Catfish.
Get Nev and Max over to sort it out

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