I apologise in advance if this is a long one ...
I don't know where to start really, been with my husband for 14 years, have 1 son who is 2 and a half. I don't think I want to be with my husband anymore.
I had another miscarriage in January this year and since then things have been awful. We've supposedly been "trying" for another since then but have only slept together at the very most about 4 or 5 times per month, probably even less. Actually went 9 weeks with no action recently. Constantly stays up late watching the fucking tv so of course when he comes to bed surprise! I'm asleep. Then he moans because he's tired and has to get up at 6am, (so do I) but will not come to bed with me at about 10pm. Drinks every night. And I mean a bottle of red wine and then 2 or 3 cans of beer/cider but will not be told that this is far far too much and pretty unhealthy, I find it repulsive that he drinks this every night.
Anyway, avoiding me everynight, the red wine makes him incapable of sex anyway, always on his phone, has changed the code for it 3 times since the beginning of the year, I only want on it to see his photo's of our son but he won't let me. Just all the nonsense with his phone, avoiding sex with me, secretive with his phone, always on it, never wanting to do anything with us at all, always talking about the same woman he sees everyday at work, speaks to her more than me so it seems, I think he's always messaging her aswell for the fitbit shite app they all have, so he made me think he was sleeping with someone else. I'm sorry if this is rambling there is just so much.
Was so sick of doing ovulation tests and letting him know the time was right, sitting waiting in bed for him like a complete fool, doing pregnancy tests and always negative, getting more and more angry every month that passes because I know if I went to the doctor about not getting pregnant(I've been off the pill for 1 year now) and said how little we had sex I'd get sent away and told to do it more (I have said this to him a few times with no response) I began to feel it was me, not attractive enough anymore, too fat,(I know I'm not really) etc etc but bloody didn't let him know that though.
Anyway things came to a head a few weeks ago, ended up putting it all on the table, all on him, asked if he was stressed, money worries, unhappy, work problems family problems etc all answered with no, it's fine, and no actual answers to what he felt was wrong between us, nothing wrong apparently, doesn't know why he's so fucking grumpy and miserable towards us all the time, shouting at our son for the tiniest thing, everything I say or do is wrong, stupid, not good enough, sleeps in the spare room most nights as he "doesn't want to wake me up".
One night we ended up talking/arguing til about 2am, he finally admitted that he has been actively avoiding having sex with me so I don't get pregnant, doesn't think he wants anymore children, money is a factor (which it absolutely is not, but he wont bother trying to expand the business to make more money and use my skills/knowledge to do so), thinks he's too old now.(45) Had a bit of an "Is this our marriage over?" moment. Why tell me that shit now? I have been with this man since I was 21, and I've always been very honest about wanting 4 children and not wanting to be an older mum. Not once has he said "I only want 1 or 2 children", NEVER EVER. I said that if he had been honest about only wanting 1 or 2 kids years ago then I would have dumped him and not married him. So he's just strung me along hasn't he? Because he knew that didn't he? I feel like he's cheated me out of the best years of my life, I only have 1 ovary and fallopian tube left after ectopic pregnancy surgery and am 35 soon, what the fuck is he playing at? He's been so dishonest about this that he led me to believe he was having an affair!!(which he still denies) Who does that?! I'm so sad all the time, I'm so angry all the time, with every period I get I feel so much hatred towards him. I keep looking at my son and feel miserable that he's not got any siblings. He doesn't deserve to be an only child, a very close friend is an only child and about growing up alone she said it was so fucking lonely. I'm one of 5 and husband is one of 4 children, how could he want our son to grow up alone when he never? I don't understand that.
I said to him if he doesn't want anymore children I want him to leave, but the response is "I'm not going anywhere" or "It's my house". He wont entertain going to marriage counselling. Won't move in with his dad to give us a break. Claims he still wants to be together and does want another child after all (but still stays up late drinking and not having sex with me, doesn't even touch me and don't ask me when he last kissed me) There's a few other things that he's done but this is getting very long and rambling. I just don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go and not very much money and 2 dogs and 2 horses I would have to move (and pay someone else to house), he can go to his dads huge empty house which is just over the hill, have asked him to go, told him to go, but he wont. I think I'm starting to hate him. he's carrying on in his usual manner like fuck all is wrong and it's pissing me off. I feel like he's going to string me along, like he has with everything else, having sex occasionally but not enough to get pregnant, then before you know it I'll be 40 and still not had another baby, and probably unable to. I can see it now and I don't want to let that happen. I don't know what to do. Someone please help me, I'm scared of what a divorce means and what would happen to me, I have nothing and nowhere else to go and he wont leave. I'm so sad, I've only ever wanted a big family of my own and he's purposefully denied me that and lied to me about it for years probably. I'm not living the rest of my life so miserably, I can't, but I don't know what to do.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Please help I don't know what to do
Laddersinmybloodytights · 01/09/2016 21:10
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